Back to the Torture

The Brain Trust (I like that phrase because it has as many syllables as "Boneheads") at my Internet Service Provider decided to do a daylight maintenance upgrade Monday without alerting their customers in advance. So, as the fiasco evolved, I lost a day's work online, including some totally marvelous new comedy material (Oh, it was the niftiest hilarity one might ever hope to frolic hither amongst! Imagine laughter and lilacs!).

Plus, I lost major chunks of my temper.

It seems my DSL modem was fine at 6:10 p.m. Forever obsolete at 6:11. All without warning.

After hours of trying this and that and conferring with Technical Support, I managed to get online via an old-fashioned and less than quaint dial-up connection.

Zzzzzzzzzz and grrrrrrrrrr...

At the moment, I'm surfing at a sizzling 26.4 Kbps. I could knit a Web page faster than they appear.

It's the freakin' Stone Age.

Hey, I'd better quit writing before my blood pressure soars over 100 Mbps.

Besides, I need to get back to the instant message chat I'm having with Betty Rubble.

She's actually pretty fast texting with that mallet and chisel.


100 Things About Me #52

Lawn Order
My wife complains I never do yard work, but that's not true.

Every other week, weather permitting, I go outside and trim my fingernails.

And, at the first chirp of spring, I'm in the hammock clipping my toes.



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100 Things About Me #51

Humans Can Be Such Pigs
"To Kill a Mockingbird" changed my mind about prejudice. Who knew wearing a ham suit in public is not a fashion faux pas?

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100 Things About Me #50

The Kid Is All Write
My writing has become easier and faster, thanks to the computer.

Before that, I used a manual typewriter.

Before that, SCRABBLE tiles.

But only on manuscripts 400,000 points or less.

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Speaking of Unmentionables

Overheard Among Friends
Somehow, I found myself entering mysterious territory.

Actual conversation:

Allen: I dated a Mormon for years.

Mike: That's right. I remember.

Allen: I know lots of Mormon trivia.

Mike: Really?

Allen: Yeah. Did you know that Mormons have special underwear?

Mike: What? There's another hole?


Pet Chow

Overheard at a Party
Actual conversation:

"At my house, cat hair is a condiment."


Hearts Attack

Overheard, Watching the News
According to our TV, a movement is on to end the celebration of Valentine's, the day Donna and I chose to be wed.

Twenty-five years of marriage. Actual conversation:

Mike: If they abolish Valentine's Day, does that mean we're not married?

Donna: No.


Mike: I'll find an angle.

Donna: Don't think you can weasel out of it, honey.


Mike: Oh.


100 Things About Me #49

Hi Ho Silver Anniversary
Donna and I were married on Valentine's Day, 1981. As I write this memo, we've strolled past the 25-year milestone and bustle forward.

People often ask for our secrets of love and longevity.

Well, besides the obvious wax lips and the lobbing of balloons filled with Ensure at senior citizens' shuttle busses, it's all in the book.

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Photo Credit: ©2003 Jeremy West


100 Things About Me #48

Sweat Home
The tough part of being Prince Kong -- the protocol title the locals of Skull Island use to address me, intermingled with their ceremonial jeers and spears -- is whenever I'm on the royal turf of my birthright, I'm expected to rule.

Pictured, during five o'clock rush hour traffic, I direct the oncoming Tyrannosaurus rex and 3-foot cockroaches after their busy day's work, as they fail to yield to an elderly, two-story Scorpio-Pede with her assortment of limps and numerous orthopedic walkers.

Mike directs traffic on Skull Island.

I rule with an iron foot. Meanwhile, my left one searches about for a ship in the harbor.

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100 Things About Me #47

"Clean Your Cave.
Clean Your Cave..."
I have a love / hate relationship in regards to visiting my parents' place. I'm delighted to see everyone, of course, but my folks make me do chores.

Here I am on my last trip home to Skull Island, rearranging the furniture.

Mike does some light housework on Skull Island.

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100 Things About Me #46

Son of
Son of Kong
The wave of emails has been astounding since I revealed I was separated from King Kong at birth.

Well, not exactly.

That would be silly.

I'm too young.

I'm his grandson, or so Grandmama Darrow jotted.

Adventurers abducted my infant body from the wild, The Kong Family homeland, a primitive oasis far off the coast of Sumatra. I was caged on a tramp steamer and forwarded postage due to America, where a young family adopted me. They raised this child as their own on a stringent diet of bananas stewed in a dipilatory sauce.

I earned my keep by shedding. The fur sweatered the entire family, assorted cousins, bag boys, and beboppers for nearly two decades.

During the college years, I paid tuition by growing and shaving a customized line of shaggy seat covers for aficionados of the Dodge Dart Swinger.

Currently, my body has lost much of its luxurious hair from maturity and traditional Alpha Male Pattern Baldness, but I continue vain enough to do the comb-up-and-over from my hips to the pectorals.

I sell more than a few assorted locks of pelt on eBay, which is my pleasure, as collectors bid handsomely to fashion Eugene Levy eyebrows. It's a big cosplay fad in Japan.

I'm coming to merchandising terms with Wilfred Brimley -- maybe announce something next molt.

Unlike Pater and Grandpapa, I am anatomically correct, albeit some areas are in human dimensions, darn the luck.

I'm grateful for my life in America, but I'm a firm believer in giving back to the community. Each summer, I revisit my roots to help in the Habitat for Gorilla/T (Rex) program, building affordable housing for the locals.

In fact, here's a 2003 photo of me erecting the first McDonald's on Skull Island....

Mike erects the first McDonalds on Skull Island.

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