Top 10 Reasons My Life Is Rated "R"

10. Show way too much cleavage.

9. Snore "Barry White's Greatest Hits."

8. Cheat at "Go Fish" with cods up my sleeve.

7. The spinning head and projectile vomiting during Brite Smile treatments.

6. I'm a sleep-pole-dancer.

5. Order Coffee to Go, because, well, I like to go.

4. Late at night, dress my Cabbage Patch Doll in corned beef.

3. I have the elfin legs of Audrey Hepburn. With a 10-day stubble: Mickey Rourke.

2. Society misunderstands a man who gives Twinkies enemas.

And the number one reason my life is rated "R" ...

I cut out the puppet sex.


What's Your Life Rated on the MPAA Rating Scale?

I read where the producers of the comedy "Team America: World Police" submitted their film to the Motion Picture Association of America for its theatrical rating. An "NC-17" designation was awarded, meaning the movie was objectionable and no admittance would be extended to persons under 17.

Heaven, help us!

The matter of dispute was a graphic lovemaking sequence involving consenting marionettes. The studio regrouped and trimmed the sequence more than a dozen times before being granted a commercially desirable "R" rating. I was led to believe the offending scene had been cut entirely from the film.

Praise the Lord!

While watching "Team America" in a theatre recently, I was surprised -- and surprised again -- and surprised again -- to see the marionettes mate. The montage included numerous graphic images and, shall we say, adventurous positioning.


I lived through it. Slightly winded. In need of a blotting cloth.

Burdened, I was, with impure thoughts of Howdy Doody and Heidi Doody.

At the same time, I was greatly puzzled. If this scene was the soft version, what in the world had been edited out?


Meanwhile, I contemplated. If I were a movie, what would my life be rated?


For an answer, I visited the trusty Internet. Perhaps, you've heard of it?

Gee, it's swell!

I found a personality quiz, "Whats Your Life Rated on the MPAA Rating Scale?" I responded to the 10 questions and submitted the results for an evaluation.

I had anticipated one of the "PG" ratings or a "G," so my assessment as an "R" troubles me. After all, I am a family man who spends his life in cartoon character sweatshirts and Tigger slippers, for goodness sakes--

Aw, crap!

Late again. I gotta quit typing and go knock over the liquor store. Dammit. Where's my Glock? I bet that whore snatched it. And the toot.



Overheard From the Frontline of a Marriage

Donna: I'm cleaning the cat box tonight. Tomorrow, maybe you could take it to the dump?

Mike: I think the attendant just goes to a store.


Twiggy in Grilled Cheese NOT A HOAX ! LOOK & SEE !

A dead grilled cheese sandwich is creating quite a stir on the Internet. The melted lunch is missing one mouthful, alleged to be 10-years-old, and adorned with the holy image of the Virgin Mary on white bread toast.

Why does it always have to be the Virgin Mary? These bizarre, seemingly random sightings around the world are always about the Virgin Mary -- with rare exceptions of the Virgin Elvis.

Why can't we ever see Rip Taylor? If you only knew how many hours I've stared into Kraft Fat Free Mayonnaise Dressing ("ZERO grams of fat. Best when used by 26 Mar 2005.") looking for Rip Taylor to materialize.

Once, yes, there was a bubble reminiscent of an albino Star Jones, but that was the best I could muster before I moved into mustard.

The famous Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese is currently on auction at eBay. Thousands of dollars have been bid and I don't understand why. I mean, who knows what the Virgin Mary looked like? There were no Polaroids in Bethlehem. There were no Etch A Sketches. There were no oxcart driver photo IDs.


Get real.

Besides, my first glance at the sandwich got an immediate, obvious reaction. I recognized the face of '60s supermodel Twiggy. It's the Virgin Velveeta Twiggy!

Photo: Grilled cheese sandwich with an image of the Virgin Mary in the crust.Movie poster for The Boy Friend starring Twiggy.

More: Virgin Mary in Grilled Cheese NOT A HOAX ! LOOK & SEE!


Election Wrap-Up: Face the Notion

I fancy myself as somewhat of a political pundit. If anyone ever wants to get my attention in a rally, they need only yell, "Hey, Mr. Current Events!"

So take it from me, I'm glad the voting dust has settled. And, as we move on into the next four years, I remain with only one nagging question.

What in the heck was Kerry thinking, running with John Davidson for Vice President?
The Democrat candidates for President and V.P.John Davidson

More: 2004 U.S. Presidential Election Humor


Incredible Weekend

Another opening night in the theatre ... "The Incredibles" was super. I've heard the film earned $70 million in three days. That's a record, nearly 100 times what I paid for two tickets and a box of Sno-Caps.

After the show, I saw a family of four stand up and move into a popcorn bucket.

As we walked by, their kids griped butter had flooded the basement.

We exited the multiplex into a cool autumn evening. I told my wife, "I'd like some 'Incredibles' for Christmas."

She said, "Then, how about underwear from the new millennium? And sex?"

"I meant toys!" I snapped. "And what makes you think the sex will be Incredible?"

"I shall call you 'Dash.'"


10:42 p.m.: "Oh, YEAH?"


That's "Incredibles"

The Incredibles movie posterI'm frothing at the lips in rabid anticipation of "The Incredibles," the animated Disney-Pixar extravaganza. The wait is nearly over. My car is already warming up for tomorrow's 60-mile drive to the closest big screen multiplex.

Mike Durrett in his superhero costume.I've showered, too, and changed into my superhero outfit (pictured, right). After all, I'm Writer-Guy.*

*formerly Scribble-Hunk and Doodle-Dude

More: "The Incredibles" Comedy Movie Preview
Other Mike Identities: Bladder-Man | Bifocal-Man
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