Top 10 Reasons My Life Is Rated "R"

10. Show way too much cleavage.

9. Snore "Barry White's Greatest Hits."

8. Cheat at "Go Fish" with cods up my sleeve.

7. The spinning head and projectile vomiting during Brite Smile treatments.

6. I'm a sleep-pole-dancer.

5. Order Coffee to Go, because, well, I like to go.

4. Late at night, dress my Cabbage Patch Doll in corned beef.

3. I have the elfin legs of Audrey Hepburn. With a 10-day stubble: Mickey Rourke.

2. Society misunderstands a man who gives Twinkies enemas.

And the number one reason my life is rated "R" ...

I cut out the puppet sex.

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