Once upon a time, I had my car serviced here.

At long last, truth in advertising.


100 Things About Me #44

Mikes His Own Gravy  

I am forever dieting.

Recently, I've been on a quest to drop 50 pounds. Going into our Thanksgiving Day feast, I'd shed nearly half.

At this year's holiday dinner, I backslid a bit, as to be expected, due to my affiliation and solemn committment to The Clean Plate Club. I'm happy to report I did not entirely squander my previous weight loss.

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100 Things About Me #43


I am becoming increasingly absent-minded.

On more than one occasion, I have poured orange juice onto my--

Oh, that was #42?


Did I mention I drive the car long distances, essentially on auto-pilot? My thoughts drift away from the road until I park. Then, I wonder why I'm at Chuck E. Cheese's with my autograph book.

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100 Things About Me #42

Whatever I Was Going to Type Here, I Forgot  

I am becoming increasingly absent-minded.

On more than one occasion, I have poured orange juice onto my Cheerios and shredded wheat.

I've worn non-matching shoes in public, shocked to discover the different styles and colors.

Last night, I cleaned my teeth with my wife's toothbrush. That's something I would never do on purpose, especially now, when she's ill with what may be the worst sore throat and flu of her life.

So far, I've experienced none of her health symptoms, but I did find myself rummaging Bed Bath & Beyond for the most darling napkin rings and a spiral glitter wand.

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Dollar Topper

Photo: FUN HATS $1What lad doesn't dream of dressing up as a giant pastel fortune cookie?

My sweatband even discloses lucky lottery numbers, although the ink has streaked together, undecipherable. I remain nigh penniless, but a dashing figure, Confucious say.

I believe this store, however, has missed a marketing opportunity.

Turn the brims down and advertise: "FUN COSMETIC DENTISTRY $1."


Food for Thought

I am Cheetos' biggest worshipper, but Flaming Hot Cheetos?

Isn't that a bit gay?

If so, fine. To each his own salty snack.

However, if Chester Cheetah changes his name to Chesty, I may go covet Cheez Doodles.


Like Godfather, Like Godson

We attended a piano recital by one of our godsons. His selections included "Sonata in F Major, Op. 10, No. 2" by Ludwig van Beethoven, "Rhapsody in G Minor, Op. 79, No. 2" by Johannes Brahms, "The Tides of Manaunaun," by Henry Cowell, and "Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16," by Edvard Grieg.

This young man's accomplishments never cease to amaze me, as detailed in his biographical sketch on the program.

He is a university senior. "He is pursuing a Bachelor's of Music degree in Piano Performance with an emphasis in Pedagogy and a Bachelor of Arts degree in World Languages and Literature with concentrations in both Spanish and French. He has studied piano ... organ ... and clarinet. He is a recipient of an academic scholarship and of the 2005 scholarship to study abroad in France. He is a member of University Chorale, in which he has served as President, Vice-President and Treasurer. He is a member of [an] honor society, the Spanish club, the French club, and [a] Sinfonia, in which he has served as Historian, Fund-raising Chair, and Webmaster. He is a member of the Sanctuary Choir at [a local] Baptist Church where he also serves as a pianist and accompanist for various ensembles and services. [He] has been a Concerto-Aria semi-finalist, earned an Honorable Mention at the ... state college auditions, and played in master classes.... He has been an instructor with the ... University Preparatory Piano Department since 2003, in which he teaches theory classes and maintains a studio of private piano students, and is a member of the [local] Music Teachers' Association."

My tutors say, one day, I may hum.


100 Things About Me #41

Shapely Chick  

Photo: Buddies Chicken Little and Mike Durrett.I am a man of 3-D.

Well, I will be when I lose 30 more pounds. I'm currently protruding into unauthorized areas of Width.

Plus, I inadvertently caused a little mishap inside the Fourth Dimension. My gut punched the snooze button in The Fabric of Time.

No biggie. No worse than the narcolepsy Larry King induces each night on CNN.

I adore 3-D movies. I've seen a bunch of them. The latest being Walt Disney Pictures' "Chicken Little" in a new video projection system, Disney Digital 3-D. There's no film involved. The show exists on a computer hard drive inside the theatre and is Photo: Chicken Little one-sheet movie poster.transferred to the special silver screen via a huge apparatus which looks similar to the motion picture machines of the past century. The innards, however, are cutting edge technology.

I have a basic grasp of each complex step necessary to achieve the magic, except how in the world do Chicken Little's glasses remain on his head without ears to hang them on?

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Fall Festivals O' Fun 8

Kids were captivated by spooky attractions, including Jurassic Dinosaur Park, Sinking Ocean Liner, and the Michael Jackson Spotted Surprise.


Fall Festivals O' Fun(eral) 7

"M'm! M'm! Good Grief!"

Nothing says "fine dining" like a funeral.

Today's Special: Creamation of Vegetable Soup with Perpetual Carrots.

Bury a corn dog with relish.

All you can shovel, $8.95. Saints slightly higher.

Holy water on draft.

Member F.D.I.C. (Funeral Directors in Catsup).

No food more than 24 hours old or your order is embalmed.


Fall Festivals O' Fun 6

Sign photo: Old Fashioned Goat Milk Soap

For That Archaic, Lactating, Hollow-Horned, Bearded Ruminant Mammal Freshness!

Beauty's Barnyard Bath With a Whiff of Cheese!


100 Things About Me #38

Sex Change  

Some fashionistas would like me to chuck it all to become a Melanie Griffith impersonator.

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100 Things About Me #36

The Neck Kid Truth  

I'm a lapsed vampire. I'm due to go in for shocks and points.

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