I Got Nuthin'

President Barack Obama & Billy Mays: "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" via YouTube



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Overheard shopping: "I've never seen the Laffy Taffy here. I can only find it at Walmart." ... Those bastards.

Had a lovely dinner for one at the Waffle House. I feasted on a scrambled egg sandwich, hash browns, and an earful of double negatives. Yum!

Kidding? No, I nain't, nuh uh.

@AnimalPlanet recommends microchipping to save animal lives. We microchipped a cat. I was hoping he'd glow in the dark or something.

We had to take down the fish tank. Our cat prefers HBO.

Live and learn. In my daily travels, I'll no longer engage strangers by saying, "Hi there, MrTweet recommends me."

@foundingfather sez: "The time is near at hand which must determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves." I be gittin' fresh hay!

Wondering if @foundingfather is the real George Washington or fake George Washington.

News Item: "Dog owner sifts through pup's poop after he eats wad of cash." Yeah, that's me trying to figure Obama.

A highlight of each week is watching a NEWHART rerun with lunch. (I'm learning to cook from Larry and the Darryls.)

World's First Flying Car: http://is.gd/o7yb - Not Jetsony enough for me, his boy, Elroy, daughter, Judy, Jane, his wife.

Welcome and thanks, Followers. Rest assured, I have all my Tums and keep an egg up my sleeve in case of Barnyard Lotto..

News Headline: "Police seize 42-piece dinner set constructed entirely from cocaine." Eat, you vegetables.

Nudes Item: "Rhode Island strip club to host job fair." Two drink minimum. You must fill out your form. Laid detector test.

News Item: "Kan. man accused of having 2 wives in same complex." ... Duplexicity.

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Big Weekend

I went from market to market, buying up Smucker's Uncrustables and then returning each and every one for refunds because there were no bites out of 'em.

Truth in advertising, people.


Double Feature Kitties

Morty at the Movies with Morty the CatWhile I write the next chapter of Fox Theatre anecdotes, Morty has graciously offered to share several of his recent movie memories. He likes the foreign films. This pair is from Japan.

Roll 'em, Morty...

"Big Box and Maru" via YouTube

"Cat Weight Lifting" via YouTube


100 Things About Me #170

Fabulous Fun
When I was a small boy watching motion pictures inside Atlanta's premiere theatre, The Fabulous Fox -- it was always branded as "The Fabulous Fox" -- my mind was often off the wide, sixtyish-foot screen with wandering eyes busy consuming and embracing the mammoth movie palace, unlike any other I have ever experienced.

Plucked down, enveloped by a sea of seats underneath the vast balcony and star-like twinkly lights and fluffy clouds rolling across the ceiling, my earliest, fond memories of the showplace include "No Time for Sergeants" (1958), "The Guns of Navarone" (1961), "Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation" (1962), "Hatari!" (1962), "The Incredible Mr. Limpet" (1964), plus Jerry Lewis performing in person on opening night of "The Nutty Professor" (June 21, 1963).

And I got to see most, if not all, of those events on 25¢ admissions!

I enjoyed numerous films here throughout the '60s and into the early '70s, when the theatre business changed, moving first-run product to smaller venues dotting the suburbs. As in many cities, the shift was death to downtown exhibitors, even the architectural treasures like the Fox, which was forced to end its daily screenings after more than four decades as the south's most prestigious cinematic destination.

Shortly before the demise, I was there along with a sell-out crowd on the first evening of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969).

In the last gasps, a few years later, I recall viewing a rare revival of "King Kong" (1933).

My final visit, circa 1974, was an all-day fur-fest featuring five "Planet of the Apes" flicks. It was a Sunday. I doubt there were three dozen patrons in attendance.

The Fox struggled, but, for me, it went out like a champ -- and, sure, chimps.

I knew from the early visits, I had to be a part of this theatre. By third or fourth grade, I felt a yearning, as well as some gum under my chair.

As you may know, I have worked inside movie houses and drive-ins since the age of 10, beginning as a flunky and weaving through a full career in projection rooms. I regret never making the Fox payroll during its picture show heyday. I had the experience and connections, but the wrecking ball snuck up on me and shuttered my dream.

Continued: "Fox: In the Box"

100 Things: #1 | Previous

Fox Theatre sign photo from biskuit @ Flickr, Creative Commons license
Fox Theatre audience from hoyasmeg @ Flickr, Creative Commons license


What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders


Of course they are real. Now with pig bubbles.


Never saw these photos before, but I was a fetus at the time.


I am heartened that I remind you of bad dog food. Thank you, Bob, you -- oh, sorry, I was thinking of egg pus.

Bad Dog Food Names:

  • Joy Behar's Mystery Crotch and Peas
  • Gravy Train with Conductor Chunks
  • Snif 'n Lick Puddin' Pups
  • Betty White and Spleens
  • Marmaduke's Next Dump


Breaking News: World's Largest Cheeto!

I was working on something else for today, but a postponement is in order for that confession.

I pride myself on all things Cheetos. Cue it up. I'm drooling. This story just in...

"World's Largest Cheeto and the Optimus Maximus" by Gizmodo on Vimeo
Thanks to Jay Oatway


Meet the Neighbors

These ladies reside a couple of places up and across our creek.

Sisters? I don't know. They don't talk much. Others, I have heard, whisper of "professional women."

I was pleased, on a recent afternoon, with the pair's momentary pose for my camera while they were trimming the lawn.

When I'm working late at my desk, I will often hear one cry out at four in the morning.

I worry.

Distress? Or marital bliss?

I keep to myself.



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Just bagged my first spider of the season. I have a very small trophy room.

@simgames sez "I live in the boonies of Maine. Our war is with the black flies." Surrender! Flies not such a problem here. They're cat toys.

@frannycats sez "Our Billy's nickname is 'Renfrow' because he loves to eat flies." And Billy is, I'm guessing <crossing fingers>, your cat?

They're sending in reinforcements. I just killed the second spider of the season.

News Item: "Octomom Nadya Suleman lays bare her past as stripper." I dunno. "Take it all off. Take 'em all out" doesn't do it for me.

Drat. I've missed Pull Up Your Pants Day. I can pencil in April 15th after I manage to unbendy.

News Item: "Booted from some Walgreens: Bye to the 'Chia Obama.'" True. I heard Chia O looked too Marxist. Uhhh, Harpo.

I see tomorrow is National Walking Day. Sorry, no can do. I'm still way too busy turning off my lights from Earth Hour.

Easter reminds us the only thing better about me after three days is my chili.

Thinking I'll skip the egg hunt at Octomom's...

In the aftermath of food poisoning, I'm taking a lot of naps. I may be having a relapse. I woke up, calling out for "Auntie Em! Auntie Em!"

Gee, why didn't someone tell me yesterday was National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day? I could've upgraded & found me a job.

News Item: "Bob Dylan's toilet smell blows in the wind." Febreze, lady, Febreze.

More on "Bob Dylan's toilet smell blows in the wind." I can't help but think this has something to do with his mumbling.

@rainnwilson sez "My new nickname for my penis is 'Corey Flinthoff.' (NPR radio anchor)" .. Gee, well um, Gomer says "Hey!"

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Big Weekend

I had a woman come in and blow smiley faces into my underpants.


I Got Nuthin'

"Sweeney Floyd: The Dim-Wit Barber of Mayberry" via YouTube
Thanks to Frank Thompson


Ultra Strong

Folks, dear people, dial it back a notch.

Try a pleasing broth or a tapioca. Get some Gerbers...


This Makes Me Nervous

I'm surprised there was no public outrage over the Reester Bunny, nor the Reesurrection.

Next: Jujubes


It's My Country and I'll Cry If I Want To

I attended one of America's thousands of Tax Day Tea Parties, small town edition.

I arrived late, so I missed out on the crumpets and teas. I saw nary a drop. They had already removed the fine china cups and saucers.

I looked around for freedom, but there were only crumbs. Elsewhere, government pecked away.

I ambled off to mail our tax returns, fondling the few copper coins in my pocket and a packet of sweetener for a better swallow.



Actual Letters to Mike Durrett
I'm about to rent "Slumdog Millionaire" and contemplative reader Astroray writes:

Now is the time for Dean Jones & Tommy Kirk to return to Disney for "Shaggydog Millionaire." Strike while the iron is hot! I'm tellin' ya, this is solid gold!

Of course, my last Disney movie brainstorm from a few years ago, "That Darn Dog Day Afternoon," never really flew!


I hear they're making "One Hundred and One Slumdogs," all barked by Joy Behar. The word is Cruella de Vil won't work with her. It's an alpha male thing.

I was going to send Disney a script for a "Slumdog Millionaire" kids' adaptation, called "Slumpup Hungry Hungry Hippos."

Alas, I've moved on to something modern, an entirely new concept film, "Hoodkitty Parcheesi."

Friend Scott types over a jolting revelation:

I never envisioned myself as one of those "wacko vegetarians" (Mike and Donna excluded of course, because they're nice people that I know, and Mike's always been a wacko everything).


Scott is a vegetarian? I didn't see that coming. I respond:

Well, this is indeed surprising news and welcome, if for no other reason than it will annoy Stan.

Donna and I are in our 20th years as vegetarians, although we're not quite the vegan you appear to be. We eat the dairy, partially for the protein, but mostly for the Cheetos.

And when you realize just how much money you are saving by not eating meat, you will be pleasantly astounded and will have enough money to start on cigarettes.

Plus the farting life will never be better.

A Bob Walker of a Bob Walker writes:

Mike, I had a dream last night about you and Donna. I dreamed that I visited you and you had a book of Front Door Mats.. Like in a photo book. You showed them to me. Some had clay stains.. It was so weird. I can't forget that dream..

Bob, you are cracked. A book of front door mats would be silly.

It's a very large deck of playing cards I made with some of my esteemed sneaker scuffs.

Come for pinochle, but no mud up your thighs.


100 Things About Me #169

Easter Charade
Ordinarily, the prospects of a bunny looking up my pants and a basket full of every kid's favorite tasty snack sensation -- hard-boiled eggs! -- would be pleasing.

I was having a bad Easter. I found myself in yet another pair of two-tone shoes and one more big ears-enhancing chainsaw crewcut, but what really miffed me at five years of age was my peeps, my handlers did not understand I am a man of vision, a trendsetter.

During the festive egg hunt on the lawn, I found not one, NOT ONE Garden Omelet behind a tree or under a shrub!

Think like Baby Boomers, plebeians.

100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next


Mikellaneous: Movie Edition

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News Item: "Power Lines Disorient a Cow's Compass." Hmm, new Shia Lebeouf Hitchcock flick, MOO BY MOOWEST.

TCM Now Playing: UNDER THE YUM YUM TREE. Then, it's the U.S. Congress in PLUNDER, THE GLUM GLUM SPREE.

News Item: "Rihanna Denies BODYGUARD Remake Rumor." Thank goodness. The critics would beat her up.

Tonite on TCM: 6-hr. show: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY & HOW THE WEST WAS WON. It's "When Men Were Men and Bladders Were Bladders Night."

@seanmalarkey sez "Am i weird because every time i write 'thanks' i think 'Tom hanks'?" Bope. (Bob Hope. The H is silent)

TCM Now Playing: HOUDINI. Followed by the Gary Coleman remake: WHACHOOTALKINABOUTDINI.

Bought THE 3 STOOGES, VOL. 5. I now proudly own all of the Curlies & the first 2 years of Shemps. You may touch me, but by appointment only.

Major Three Stooges movie coming with that wacky Sean Penn! I can't wait to see him coldcocked! That miserable, why you, I oughta--


@michael_bay sez "I would only remake CITIZEN KANE if they let me convert Rosebud into a kickass SeaDoo." And Xanadu into disco roller rink.


Another snooty Hollywood star, @michaelianblack sez: "My toenail fungus looks particularly speckled this morning." Braggart.

On TCM: PSYCHO. I stayed at the Bates Motel once. Mrs Bates sunk my battleship in the tub. Cops found the corpse of Mr. Bubble in the swamp.

Fact: PSYCHO's Norman Bates is based on Ed Gein, who kept a cup of noses on his kitchen table. Pepper Steak Night must have been a delight.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I've been awake 3 hours & just realized I didn't eat breakfast. I love that. It's now like a bonus meal!

Now grazing on a bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran, Raisin Bran & Fruity Pebbles (Bamm Bammless). I have a short attention spoon.

Listening to David Rose's THE STRIPPER, peeling banana.

Another exciting Sunday night of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES & a heat-seeking, lap-curling, desperate housecat. There's always a theme around here.

Phone Mail Hell: I'm finally off the phone with the Fraud Unit of my credit card company. "Your fraud is important to us.."

News Item: "Squirrels love squirrel-flavored chips." -- Well, we're either talking cannibals or Texas Holdem.

America's growing angry mob has invited me to a Tea Party. I'm to bring my fat-free pumpkin-spice ring!

I'm amused that one of the most popular tags at wefollow.com is #yourtag.

A new study says old age begins at 27. Heck, I'm starting my third round. Obviously, it didn't take. I'll check back at 81.

@michaelianblack sez "Satan, thy name is pizza." -- Hmm, Beelzebub and mushrooms. I could die with that. And some Crazy Bread.

@paulfeig sez "I went w/the pancakes this morning. Is that my huge ass in my pants or am I just happy to C you?" Your hashbrowns R leaking.

News Item: "Twitter Now Growing at a Staggering 1,382 Percent" -- Sadly, me, too. Tootsie Rolls, anyone?

@DaveMalby sez: "I know...put a 'More' button on your wife..." -- It ... just ... might ... work! That is GENIUS!

Watching THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE. They're birthin' babies. I never had to go through that. ... Corks.

I've been caring for a stray cat for nearly a month. I still don't know if it's a boy or a girl. ... I'm shy. Tee hee.

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Thoughts During 'Happy Days: A New Grease'

  • I'd be happier with my $34.25 times two and our day back.

  • Life was more innocent without that kinetic Tom Bosley impersonator dancing in my head.

  • Eww. The prop master tonging Fonzie his T-shirt.

  • Will there be a gratuitous Laverne and Shirley referen-- Yep. Can we leave now?

  • Richie Cunningham is bald, you know.

  • How much longer must I wait for unborn chuckleheaded thespians to Broadway-revive Punky Brewster and Urkel? Alas! Hear my cries, Fate!

  • Poor Mrs. C. was ignor-- ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz...

  • I hope they wake me for the dramatic climax: Going Home.

  • Gosharoonies, I wonder wherever the Chachi Fan Club delegates are seated?

  • Hmm. My hives spell out: "AAAAYH!"

  • "How do you do, ladies? I'm in town all week national touring as TV's Potsie, and this is my studly chorus boy, Ralph Malph."

  • I'm watching poodle skirts!



Cat photos: Where's Morty?
I don't know what to think about that cat.

Morty is in a time-out.

I caught him sexting salmon.


This Is Where We Came In, Dennis Regan...

Continued From: "Brian Regan: Treasure Chest"

Opening for Brian Regan, his brother Dennis!

This doesn't happen often in nature, two stand-up comics in the same family on the same show.

The only career trajectory I share with my brothers is fighting over the gravy boat. Is there any money in that? Somebody, anybody, tip me a giblet.

"Dennis Regan Corporate Demo" via YouTube


Brian Regan: Treasure Chest

Saturday night in Atlanta, we saw favorite comedian Brian Regan for the fifth time, if memory serves. I was highly satisfied with his performance. Tears of hysteria flowed more than an hour and I walked away suitably mildewed.

Upon our insistence, remedying an overdue exposure to Brian, Donna and I dragged along a loyal friend in need of good cheer. Recuperating from a painful chest injury, Stan laughed uncontrollably, grimacing all contorted. Even though I comped the gurney ride out of row D to the ambulance, he's no longer speaking to us.

Here are several of the previous Brian Regan video stand-ups I'm forwarding to brighten Stan's month or three ICU vacation.

"Refrigerators" via YouTube

"Foods and Labels" via YouTube

"Reading" via YouTube



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I've had my morning coffee and nap, yet still sluggish. May go brew another cup and use the Jazzercise mug this time.

Mmm. Me like naps. Just add milkshakes.

News: "Boy, 13, goes on 'electric shock free-for-all' zapping classmates with stun gun." Technology.. We snapped bra straps.

New Osama bin Laden terror tape: Long rant on infidels of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. Also, mentions his loathing for band camp.

@brooksbayne sez "recycling a 3-ft. stack of newspapers *can* save 1 tree, but try taking a tree with u to the john." I take the PC monitor.

It's going to be another great day! The cat has already put his butt in my orange juice.

Gee. That was the first time in my life I ever called someone a "dude." Scary.

@dankuehn asks "is twittering on your laptop as you drive down the highway illegal?" I dunno, but that phrase sure has changed meanings.

@Bloggeries asks: "Anyone ever tried snorting salt water to clear out the sinuses?" Tobasco sauce works best, but I can't afford the Visine.

It's that very special time of the day when I'll accept swag. I'll be on the porch.

News Item: "Women knock out men with chloroform on breasts then rob them." The ol' Tit and Run...

Watched SWISS FAMILY JODIE FOSTER, aka NIM'S ISLAND. It features a wacky seal, bearded dragon & pelican (not unlike 2007 cast of THE VIEW).

It would be fun to live on a deserted island, but a desserted island would be even better with pie growing on trees and foamy merengue surf!

@frannycats asks "Are You Kitty-Whipped?" No, I burp them after Tender Vittles like everyone else. http://tinyurl.com/c94ywg

"Charlie Sheen & wife welcome twin boys." Huh? The TWO & A HALF MEN star couldn't eke out another half kid? What a squirt.

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That's All I Can Stands and I Can't Stands No More!

I quit.

I fired About.com, a New York Times Company.

Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture.
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