Heads Over Squeals

Continued From: "What the Heck Was I Thinking?"

In my own private utopia, whether I'm talking to friends or writing of the cinema, the conversation often meanders to "The Thing With Two Heads," a grade-L schlock fest from 1972. The movie is not bad enough to be deemed "grade Z," because it doesn't take itself too seriously.

Oh, giddy lightness, frolic forth, the bewitched, bothered, and bewildered beheading.

Last summer, as it so happened, we raced 400 miles from the beach, so I could deposit Donna at our house, and then U-turn 100 miles into Atlanta for the evening's dusk-to-dawn Drive-Invasion program at the Starlight Drive-in Theatre.

The pièce de résistance?

"The Thing With Two Heads."

When it comes to no-brainers, I am there.


I snapped this screenshot because I've always been intrigued by people who set off their names with punctuation marks. Is the punctuation actually part of their names? I believe it is.

I spent decades trying to fix up "Rosey" Grier with 'Tippi' Hedren, so they'd make a little %Junior%.


In the flick, Ray Milland, the distinguished Oscar-winning actor of "The Lost Weekend" (1945), is a rich chap who finds his head grafted onto a brother, as the advertisements so deftly described. Here, honor me to recite the whole pitch for you:

"They transplanted a white bigot's head onto a soul brother's body! The doctor blew it -- the most fantastic medical experiment of the age. And now, with the fights, the Fuzz, the chicks and the choppers ...Man, they're really in deeeeep trouble!"

Wow. That's a flashback! Hearing those splendid words again are as powerful today as they were at my wedding.


Have I mentioned how pleased I am that the toupee made it through the transplant unscathed and, apparently, freshly shellacked? The clinical operation on the Milland pelt was touch and go and "more glue" there for awhile.

The above scene is from the very long, action-unpacked motorcycle chase, which provided many out of work stuntmen and stunt fake heads a day's wage.

Somehow, you may have noted, the lads picked up a hitchhiker en route and I have the sudden urge for Double Stuf Oreos. I'll be back after the next photo....


Doesn't she know cigarettes are baddddddd for healthy memories of one's -- or is it two's? -- discarded lungs?

"No, thank you, milady," says Dr. Marshall Kirshner, surgeon, racist, puppet show. "We're gonna need a bigger coat."

"And more quotes," says """Rosey""".

"I've got chum in the oven," says the lass, leading the gentleskulls to a monstrous dinner partay.


No matter how many times I've seen "The Thing With Two Heads," I never fail to come away with the same thrilling, inspirational conclusion.

--Yeah. Yeah. Brotherhood. Tolerance. That, yeah, who wouldn't?

No, what I'm saying is: The turtleneck ... is always ... a happening look.

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Today, on a very special "What the Heck Was I Thinking?" I do definitely recall what I was writing about, but I obviously didn't know how to think it. Heck.

Here's the series of real emails I sent on the touching medical breakthrough, human noggin transplants, as seen in "The Thing With Two Heads" (1972).

05/20/08

"I'm sorry. I misspoke. I meant to say 'that Academy award-winning fake Ray Milland head really can act!' My apologies for any inconvenience."

05/20/08

"Actually, what I really meant to say was: 'that fake Academy award-winner Ray Milland head really can act!' I meant no disrespect to the members of the Academy, Price-Waterhouse, or the original issue head of Rosey Grier. Here, let me validate your parking."

05/20/08

"No, wait a minute, what I really meant to say was: 'that Academy award winner Ray Milland's fake head really can act!'

That's it. That's exactly what I meant to say. This English language thing is tricky. I've ordered in more ampersands. Those should help and the frequent use of the words 'Lilt No Drip Foam Home Permanent with extra body, extra wavy luxuriousness and lustre.' Try some today."

Tylenol, please.

And a fake one for the phantasma of Mr. Milland.


More on The Thing: "Head Over Squeals"

Mountain Greenery

This morning, on a whim, I found myself undertaking a lengthy automobile excursion through the lovely springtime vistas adorning our mammoth hills. Many miles down the highway, I realized I was near my brother-in-law's place. I dropped by for a visit, but Bryan was not to be found.

He's blessed with some beautiful wilderness acreage, far away from the nearest community. My orbs swept a wide view from his porch, halting abruptly, intrigued by what they saw under the blazing sun. There was something new, a freshly plowed and planted field carved out of the forest.


"This is the biggest garden I have ever seen," I said to myself, as I took a long, meandering walk through the newborn sprouts. "I should have packed a lunch."

I couldn't decide what was growing underneath me. I knelt down for closer inspection.

"Some sort of beans or peas, I can't say," I said to myself because I was alone and speaking it out loud would have been something I couldn't allow myself to do. Sanity 101.

"These are the oddest little pods, very odd. I should have packed a lunch."

I couldn't put my finger on what was puzzling me, but I knew with the recent rains, those pods were going to be robust and soon.

I drove home with an uneasy feeling. Inexplicably, for the first time in months, I had the urge to listen to my iPod. I fetched it from the glove compartment, while exhaling a vigorous yawn. The music was nice. Olivia Newton-John whispered a lullaby.

Arriving back at the house, I changed out of my good t-shirt into something less formal. It was time for an afternoon nap, but suddenly I was curious, wondering what was on the tube. I knelt down for the second time this day, punched the power button, and waited for an image to fade onto the screen.


Who wants coffee?

Mikellaneous

More Confessions
and Observations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

Flash: "Sharon Stone apologizes over China earthquake karma comments." She's always crotchety.

I reran RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK & INDIANA JONES & THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. I bet that John Williams is one noisy neighbor. I'm calling the cops..

OK, I just saw INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE. The music is more subdued than the prequels. My citizen's arrest of John Williams worked!

[Quote from] @textism: "Across the scope of an entire language, is there any one phrase as ruinously sad as ‘A Happy Madison Production’?" Ay, me weeps.

AP: "The international space station's lone toilet is broken, leaving the crew with almost nowhere to go." Open the door over Iran and O.J.

The Loch Ness Monster's on my mind, so I looked her up. She's in an Old Plesiosaurlike Reptiles Lagoon with a Budweiser frog. I don't judge.

We were too late buying a holiday watermelon. I had to settle on a gravymelon. You're darn right I spit out the giblets.

I've seen the new INDIANA JONES movie, which I was compelled to like, of course, now that I am an antiquity. Someone Lemon Pledge me.

Headline: "California Considers 'Porn Tax'" ... Lower classed to take matter into own hands.

I studied & live by the 4 INDIANA JONES films, watching them in 3 days, and still my hat won't come back to me. Just my lovesick cummerbund.

Show Nuff

We motored over to Marietta, Ga. to Theatre in the Square. I love TITS. TITS is great. I've seen lots of TITS, lots of TITS. Of all of the men I could be, I would say I'm a TITS man. That's the kind of man I am. Big TITS man. Yep. Handily.

The current play is "The Poetry of Pizza." I know about that. I go into a little iambic pentameter myself after substituting pepperonis with pink Necco Wafers.

I'm a vegetarian, so no pepperonis for me, and Alka-Seltzer tablets would have been reckless -- but one-stop digestion.

I look forward to the theatre's next offering, "The Onomatopoeia of Moo Goo."

I've looked at TITS for a long, long time. Since 1992. That was my first. To think I had been married for 11 years and we went for that extended length before a show of TITS. Hmm, well, I still like 'em.

A Walk in the Bark

Since we began routine hikes up the steep beauty of Amicalola Falls State Park, everyone has been inquiring about our marching through Georgia.

And, frankly, we're tired of it.

(I kid the everyone.)

We've decided to shut-up and walk -- and wince, groan, pant, pout, and moisten.

"Will you dab me?" I asked.

"No," said Donna.

We've also implemented a change into the format of our treks. Companions may now apply to enter the mix. Proceeds from your nominal cash-only donations will, of course, go to me.

Our first Special Guest Star was none other than our niece, Pooter!


Pooter's legal name is Clara, but we think she's embarrassed by it.


Poot gave out quickly, stopping just up ahead, where she stuck out her paw for a lift.

And, if the truth be told, she showed some legs.

100 Things About Me #149

So Long, Suckers!

At the bank, I was a very good boy, so they gave me a free lollipop.

I grinned a big smile when I saw it was a Saf-T-Pop! I hadn't slurped a Saf-T-Pop since the last time I was a good boy, 45 years ago.

Mmmm, tasty orange.

In 2053, I think I may try the delicious lime.


100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next

Mikellaneous

More Confessions
and Observations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

Last night's movie: MARTIAN CHILD, about a boy convinced he's from Mars. Me, I'm just the opposite, every time I enter a Wal-Mart.

In 2030, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER's *hero* tells his minor kids about his/pals' immoral sexcapades. He MUST be stopped BEFORE this child abuse!

"Evel Knievel's son just jumped over 24 Coke trucks in Cincinnati, setting a new world record." Dumb and dumber. Have a yokel and a smile.

"NY Governor Pardons Rap Pioneer 'Slick Rick'" -- Don't know why, but I'm thinking cubic zirconia toofs & gold bling with chocolate insides.

"Greenpeace activists dressed as orangutans protest." Well, of course, who wouldn't protest dressing as an ape? I wear the Posh Spice suit.

♫ That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it. That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it... ♪ Katey Sagal is KARAOKE STENOGRAPHER, this fall on NBC.

I've written of my luv for Give-A-Show Projectors. Looky here!

I am so over Tom Bosley.

♫ It's a Cobie Smulders world after all! It's a Cobie Smulders world after all! It's a Cobie Smulders world after all! It's a Cobie world! ♪

Headline, just in: "Man's Vomit Poisons 54 People" -- And they say there are no bargains anymore.

Oooooo!

Look look! Look at all the numbers turn over! Whee!!

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

I was excited to welcome my 20th follower on Twitter! I checked out the new guy. He's following only 56,387 others. I feel so special!

New ABOUT HUMOR: "Pickles" Comic Strip

Listen, something has been bothering me half a century. Who exactly carves those archways in the walls for the cartoon mice? Mice can't saw.

I mean those cartoon mice archways are nice. Fine craftsmanship. I don't believe fine craftsmouseship is possible. Do mice even have thumbs?

[Message to] @ancthist - Re: mice attaching saws to puddytat tails to carve wall entrances. This is possible, but sounds tad counterproductive for tats.

[Message to] @ancthist - Re: "Mice dazzle tats. Probably hypnotize 'em." That explains all. My cat, uh, tat was inexplicably clucking like a chicken.

I'd like to have me one of those cartoon mice archways. Sure, I'd need a big hole. I've put on weight. And I bring home the large Velveetas.

@ancthist sez "I was one of a pair of scouting mice on leashes exploring upper Manhattan in my dreams thanks very much @MikeDurrett." Me: =)

New ABOUT HUMOR: Funnybox

What? There's yet another movie? That "Indiana Jones and the Chest Waxing of Gloom" a few weeks ago was pretty scary!

Morty: Swimsuit Edition

Meanwhile...

Doing the Beefcake

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

I've reset all the clocks. At 4:20, I enter my Craggy Period. It's nothing but lotions and "You kids get outta my yard!" from here on out.

[Message to] @ancthist - Thanks for "Happy B'day," but not my BD. I'd regret to die & not get in my grumpy decades, so I rebooted to codger today. Scram.

[Message to] @htmljenn - Thanks. Re:"Kids these days!" And how about their tight pants and their wild hair and crazy dancing and PEZ! Punks, I tell ya...

New ABOUT HUMOR: Spoilers for Every Movie Ever Made

I weighed, expecting a 5 lb. gain, but I've actually dropped one! My only exercise is Twitter, this constant state of tremulous excitement.

Shania Twain and her career-Svengali husband, Mutt Lange, may be headed for divorce. Sad. When he leaves with 50% of her navel, it's over.

[Message to] @DebNg - Re: "Anyone who still talks to Walkie Talkie Bear isn't mature enough to take care of a little brother." But but my li'l bro is 51.

True: A tornado narrowly missed my mother-in-law. Professional courtesy.

New ABOUT HUMOR: Tombstone Generator

I'm playing with fire. The dice keep melting.

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders

05/06/07

"Since I am typing this email, I don't guess the bear got us today, although I might be hallucinating."

04/09/08

"I don't watch 'American Idol' or 'Dancing With the Stars.' The reality show I like is watching Morty till his litter box. I think Ralph Malph is guesting tonight."

02/02/08

"My mind is getting fuzzy on this type of stuff, but I still remember young Ann-Margret, so I'm not too worried."

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

Supermodel Cindy Crawford has created a line of furniture, which is comforting for all of my attractive settee with a mole on it needs.

Tonight's movie: "The Sentinel" -- Secret Service agent Michael Douglas harms the President with his painful to see cosmetic schmuck tucks.

If I still ate meat, I'd give this chocolate-covered bacon a chew. Bet it can't touch my Godiva garbanzos.

New ABOUT HUMOR: The Slip-Up Archive

A trailer loaded with 14 tons of Oreos has overturned near Chicago. Clean-up ongoing... Most of the white stuff licked away...

That overturned trailer truck with 14 tons of Oreos strewn over a highway near Chicago has caused a massive traffic jam of milk tankers.

New ABOUT HUMOR: Brian Regan: The Official Site

Beautiful day here in the Georgia mountains ... rain later ... maybe someone saying "sorghum..."

Tonight's movie: "Dan in Real Life," which made me regret not having children, having opted for the wisecracking kitties, all tops in taps.

I had lunch with co-workers from the past. I set my time machine on "BURGER CHEF FUNMEAL WITH FUNBURGER." We griped about the minimum wage.

No Post Today

Family emergency.

Morty.

Cattoo.

Side Show Snacks

Oh, how I do love the gooey yummy carnival foods!

Wouldn't life be enhanced right about now with a hot mutt sandwich, circus geek secret sauce sno cone, the bearded lady clam chowder, he-man fleasburger, cotton cooties, and clown carbuncles?

100 Things About Me #148

CinemaNope

Someone has been stealing the DVD rentals from our mail. It's gotten so bad, I've started ordering movies I don't want to see.


100 Things: #1 | Previous |Next

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

Movie earlier tonight: "The Water Horse," about the Loch Ness Monster. I think I saw it. Not sure. I'm rerunning it now. Hey! Is that it?!..

It's always a big night of television when the Mighty Putty guy yells at me.

New ABOUT HUMOR: TVLand's Movie Land Comedy Movie Trailer Collection

Twitter was down. I was in withdrawal. I went to a cineplex & sat in the least attended auditorium, so I'd be within 140 characters or less.

Hey, Mighty Putty guy! It's PUTTY. STHU!!

Today's movie: "Marriage on the Rocks" (1965), so unlike my "Marriage on the Blu-ray and Girl Scout Thin Mints With Pie, Ice Cream & Kitty."

I found a new die cast car in my Fruity Cheerios. What a lucky boy am I! It's large enough to drive my new broken crown to the dentist.

New ABOUT HUMOR: Bad Spock Drawings

The Mighty Putty guy yelled at me again. He yells at me all the time. Make him stop. I fear he'll too soon make me feel ill of putty.

How did I miss this? Bill Clinton in Morehead! The dawg can't help himself. Probably a hard ticket...

Iron Man Prom Night

It's every parent's nightmare: Rust-Oleum Hammered Finish.

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders

I dunno, but, somehow in 2006, I set off a bitter torrent of email exchanges with a Bob Walker of Hutchinson, Kansas.

What the heck was I thinking?

Mike: Bob, you are so large ... you drive a spandex car.

Mr. Walker: May an Oprah viewer weep into your cake.

Mike: May you be bald by Dr. Phil.

Mr. Walker: May a weird chef sautée your sister.

I have no sister.

Mike: May Macauley Culkin testify about your ways with old-fashioned potted meat can screws.

Mr. Walker: May Ma Kettle fiddle with your fixins.

Mike: May Elly May Clampett jilt you for her rope belt.

Mr. Walker: May Mr. Drysdale foreclose your mother.

Mike: May a confused Shrekkie mistake your pudding bowl for a swamp.

Mr. Walker: May Puff the Magic Dragon spew soot on your sister.

What sister?

Mike: May [an obnoxious used car dealer] give you a ride on his bowtie.

Mr. Walker: May Don Ho leave a tiny bubble in your sitz bath.

Timely. Go back to my sister.

Mike: May the Pirates of the Caribbean put teeny eye patches on your potato.

Mr. Walker: May Johnny Depp squirt squid ink on your sister.

Thank you.

Mike: May the sweet morning breath of Calamity Jane's ghost knock the wind out of your broomstick horsie.

Hannah Montana Watch

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Miley ran out the clock.
The frock came off,
The parents scoff.
And down goes Disney stock!



Self-Unwinding Movement!

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

I had a four-hour nap today. I am epic. I deserve a statue. Work on that..

.

Bathroom reading: "--Man," $181,675,868. [01:58 PM May 14, 2008]

I'm getting nowhere fast. Thanks, Mapquest!

Fun at About Humor: 30-Second Bunnies Theatre

Big night at the house. My cat said he'll probably chew a leg off a cricket. I'll watch Hillary take a bite out of Obama. We are sooo alike.

Bathroom reading: I see where the #1 movie in the USA is "Iron--" Oops. Done. Bookmarked it. Will let U know the rest about this time tom'w. [02:03 PM May 13, 2008]

New Top One List: Top One To-Do List Entry

I'm @ crossroads. I can either give up writing or go work for Hulk Hogan and do his do-rags. It's an Inverted Facelock Camel Clutch dilemma.

Fun at About Humor: Myth-Busting Your Mother - 16 Reasons Mom Was Wrong

It's a world of laughter, a world or Fonz. It's a world of hopes, it's a world of Jessica Fletcher. ...It's a Tom Bosley world after all!

Georgia Crackers

We pulled into Amicalola Falls State Park late Sunday afternoon, after the crowds had dispersed and after stopping at a convenience store to grab energy snacks for our hike. I purchased the tasty peanut butter crackers and the delightful cheese crackers.

I never miss an opportunity for cheese. I especially love the cheddar and the Charo.

I handed the gate attendant three dollars to enter the park and noted the "Do Not Feed the Bears" sign. I thought that meant the attendant who wore a Smokey hat, so I did not feed him. I gave him an expired Free Dinner coupon, not feeding him something heart-cloggy in a noisy restaurant.

Another good deed accomplished and "a good day to you, my good man and public servant in stereotypical garb," I drove on and we soon embarked on our merry, huffy, puffy, sweaty, sulky, sucky bipedal way up the steepy, thickly forested hiking trail.

Clutching earth and pulling our bodies to the summit, I gasped, "I ... don't hear ... theme from Rocky," and we started the long roll back down to the parking lot.

About halfway, I snowballed to a bonk into an oak tree and Donna and her mom were embraced by a gigantic granite boulder.

"Ooo, we should have a never-ending picnic here," Donna said, unfolding a plaid table cloth from which she produced a vase filled with daffodils.

My mother-in-law did some expert hand modeling and pointing, which, I must admit, did enhance the attractiveness of the flowers.

"Nope, let's go. I'm a guy. I've got power tools to ignore and probably no serious girly mags to contend with," I said lovingly, tossing the ladies a pack of the crackers. I tore into my cheese yummies with the picture of Chester Cheetos on the label.

"He's my favorite chef, you know," I winked at an opossum.

We stumbled fast down the incline, enjoying our treats. I tore deeper into my cellophane wrapper, when Donna stopped suddenly and made a quiet noise of grave concern.

What follows is our actual conversation.

"What is it?" I whispered.

"I heard rustling," she said.

I held up my crackers for her to see. "That was me."

"Thank goodness," she said. "I thought it was a bear and it smelled the food. We've got peanut butter."

"No," I corrected, "YOU'VE got peanut butter."

Hiking and Miking

We had a breezy Mother's Day and a strenuous climb to the top of Amicalola Falls, near Dahlonega, Ga.


As all family celebrations go, this one did have its bump, when Donna's mother failed to tote me all of the way up in the papoose carrier.

So much for nurturing.

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

It's a bright, fresh new week of personal failures and crushing disappointments under big thumbs of oppression! We're #6,667,172,501! Enjoy.

Zombie Emergency Procedure: Follow exactly or become dinner AND a schmo.

Fun at About Humor: 9 to 5 Comic Strip

I may need sleep. I just asked my cat, "What are you wearing?"

Nature hike today. I'll post photos tom'w, if the copperhead (fangus chompmikeus) returns my camera to Lost & Found. I dropped it mid-"eek."

Adventures of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis comic book #1 only $3 grand. I want three! One for me. One for you. One for The Fat Chance in Hell.

We saw Jennifer Connelly in Sierra Leone's "Blood Diamond" (2006) and Sergio Leone's "Once Upon a Time in America" (1984). It's a franchise.

About Humor: The Belching Bug Show

@DebNg said: "I asked for mulch for mother's day." [Hit it, boys!..] How mulch is that mulch in the window? The one with the waggly snail...

It's a Tom Bosley world after all! It's a Tom Bosley world after all! It's a Tom Bosley world after all! It's a Tom, Tom world!

Is Not to Have to Read This Book

Cartoon Carnival

"Batty Baseball" (Tex Avery, 1944)
_{Can't see the cartoon? Try here.}



Barney Bear in "Half-Pint Palomino" (Dick Lundy, 1953)
_{Can't see the cartoon? Try here.}



"One Froggy Evening" (Chuck Jones, 1955)
_{Can't see the cartoon? Try here?}

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

Tonight's movie: Bette Davis as "The Virgin Queen" (1955). It's research for my bio, "The Virgin Village Idiot." Can I help it I'm ticklish?

In "The Virgin Queen," Elizabeth fails to win Sir Walter Raleigh. She didn't have enough Raleigh coupons, settling on a non-stick WafflePro.

About Humor: The Candy Wrapper Museum

@levendis sez: "How can the Ultimate Rod Stewart Tribute take place on May 23 & May 24? One has to be the Penultimate Rod Stewart Tribute."

I forgot to take my blood pressure meds yesterday. The Good News: I saved money. The Bad: All-night conga lines...

[Message to] @levendis - Re: "my neighbour was just nonchalantly masturbating in the kitchen." Could he have misplaced his spatula?

I overslept exactly three hours to the minute, so today I'm on Pacific time.

About Humor: Hillary vs. Obama - The Dueling Senators Punch-Out Game

[Message to] @DebNg -- Re: "Can't put off the laundry... Not if we all want to wear clean underwear tomorrow." I'll say. Cookies, too, please. Thanks!

[Message to] @ancthist -- Re: your photo being "gender ambiguous." Nope, looks good. Don't feel bad. I get "Ma'am"ed with a 5-day beard. Drives me nuts.

100 Things About Me #147

I Hate This Growing Older Thing

What th--?

When did I become a pelican?



I look like I'm hoarding smelt.

I don't even eat fish. Maybe I could hoard those little goldfish crackers in there. I could do that. About three bags full and some hushpuppies. Yeah. Could I get some sweet tea over here and the dessert cart?


100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next

100 Things About Me #146

I Call Shotgun!

I love to ride Shotgun.


Although it is a challenge to drive.



More: "The Official Shotgun Rules" @ About.com

100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next

Michaellaneous

More Confessions
and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

The cat sleeps 'til noon, eats, and then has an 8-hour nap. I've been a good role model.

The cat has officially started his day. I gave him his first massage and he went out on the porch and promptly ate a moth. Time for his nap.

Today marks the beginning of the third continuous year of my 2006 spring fever.

About Humor Update: Man Babies

We are near godliness. Bow your head. Alfred E. Neuman started on Twitter today. Twitter is Free... Cheap.

New on About Humor: The 50 Greatest Commercial Parodies of All Time

The neighbor's rabid, flea-infested mutt barked non-stop from midnight to dawn. Or as it's known at my house, Cuddle Time With Joy Behar.

Paris Hilton's "The Hottie & the Nottie" out on DVD. Into the potty, I'm not that dotty.

I've got the world on a string. I'm sitting on a rainbow. Got the string around my finger. What a world, what a life, I'm insane.

I am the only person in the world who did not see "Iron Man" this weekend. I'm a bit behind on my movies. Is "Curly Sue" out yet?

This Sign for Lease

I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass. I've got no place to put it.

100 Things About Me #145

That's Amore

The salt in pizzas makes my legs swell, but I am more than willing to suffer for my art.


100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next

Meanwhile...

Dreading the arrival of the doctor, Morty's at the veterinary hospital for his annual physical and rectal thermometer.


"Mew," says Morty, "this is the worst spring break ever."

Michaellaneous

More Confessions and Revelations

My recent postings on Twitter, where everything must be said in 140 characters or less.

Hey, why didn't somebody tell me May Day was over? I'm so sore. I've got severe streamers-lash. My fault, I should have been on auto-frolic.

We saw "Bluebeard's Eighth Wife" (1938) with Gary Cooper & Claudette Colbert. It's taken a lifetime, but I've come around to her, darling.

We watched "Joyeux Noel" (2005). Morty the Cat takes after me. He woke up, staggered off my lap, and left the room when the bagpipes wailed.

No Pants Day is over. I'm wearing two pairs of pants today to make up for yesterday. I hate waste. I'll be modeling the jeans and the jeans.

Much needed nap today... I had a three-hour dream. There was an intermission. And the snack bar watered down the Cokes.

"Catanic" (2008) -- I liked this remake because there's no superfluous boat story.

It's No Pants Day!! And I have nothing to not wear.

I was disappointed to learn Smog Season began today. I hate misprints. I had so looked forward to Smug Season. I even got me a new gloat.

Super DVD & Blu-ray of CINERAMA's deep-curvy "How the West Was Won" is on the way. Yippee Ki Yay, Thelma Ritter!

It's haircut day! I get so excited whenever I get to go see all of the combs soaking in the Marvy beaker!

Jolly Green Juvenile Delinquent

Continued From: "Dishonorable"

There is good news for William Colquitt, my actor pal. He is in a summer movie blockbuster.

On June 13, get ready to unleash the beasts.


Meet Li'l Junior Banner, The Incorrigible Hulk.

Dishonorable

Our friend William Colquitt is a great actor, a chameleon in every role. Sadly, it's a nightmarish weekend for him. "Made of Honor" opened in movie theatres yesterday.


Bill's scenes were cut from the film and reshot with Michelle Monaghan. Go figure.

It's No Pants Day!

Two Shirts to the
Wind

Even while assuming my ever vigilant stance fighting terror, I take No Pants Day seriously.



More: "No Pants Day" @ About.com

My Day Out

The doctor was tardy for our appointment, but pleased to discover the progress made on my diet. He exploded with congratulatory encouragement. So much so, I feel kinda bad about licking all of the tongue depressors.

You can intone a heap of "ahhhhhhhs," waiting alone with one of those glass doctor cookie jars full of wooden sticks. I'm a self-starter. I'm perfectly capable of playing without others.

Some people say the best music is created singing in the shower. Perhaps, although I'm pretty melodious squeaking air out of an inflated examination glove while prone half naked on the plush comfort of a chilly paper sheet.

My mother would have been proud of me. I saved something for next time: thermometers. (No relation.)

I celebrated acing the check-up by chomping a large lunch with my wife, who ordered fish tacos. I yelled "Solé!" and had the Fried Green Tomatoes with Jessica Tandy au jus, suitably green, age-spotty.

For dessert, we dove into banana puddings.

Donna brought banana puddings into our marriage, all those years ago. They don't last as long as a cat, but hairballs are far less of a regular occurrence and heartworm treatments are not mandatory. At least, when we eat out.

Later, I drove home to see news of wildfires burning near downtown Los Angeles, warming the atmosphere. A Hollywood wax museum reports "goops of melted celebrities to become new Joy Behar exhibit."