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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter

My wife misplaced her copy of THE DAY CHRIST DIED. I asked, "Want me to tell you how it ends?" I'm a helpmate.

Item from @TheWrap: "Donald Trump Declares His Net Worth at More Than $2.7 Billion." A bit better than me. My net worth is around 2.7 cats.

Breaking News: "Home Invasion Suspect Leaves T-Shirt With His Picture On It." He's still at large or extra-large.

Last night, hash brown potatoes at the Waffle House. Tonight, hash browns at the IHOP. I am a gourmet of the planet. It's dizzying to be me.

Charlie Sheen had his longest show yet in ATL Fox last nite. Hope they get the smell out of the curtains B4 I screen a movie there in 2 wks.

Charlie Sheen half-filled Atlanta's Fox Theatre last night. Tony Bennett has cancelled this evening. Guess he didn't like the warm-down act.

I've been dodging tornadoes today. Oddly, it's made me nostalgic for the Tasmanian Devil, flush toilets, and Miracle Whip.

@poptimal reports: "That was fast - NBC Cancels THE PAUL REISER SHOW." - Paul, not mad about you.

Why I Like TV's RED EYE: Where else could I go for thorough, unbiased, respectful, reasoned discussion of "baloney sweat"?

My wife found her missing copy of THE DAY CHRIST DIED, after three days. It miraculously reappeared. I'm just saying... THREE DAYS.

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