Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Emergency Underpants Dispenser

Let's roll! Party in my pants! 

Not going to happen, thanks to the gross neglect of Mr. Claus. Here's your tighty whitey, Tubby.

These underpants are "Safe, Secure."

Yay to that. I wouldn't want anyone cracking my assword. My exit strategy is between me and the veggies.

I also prefer my shorts to be "Sanitary." You know, in case I'm in a wreck or have to moon the Sanitation Dept. I wish I had a nickel....

Actually, I mostly wish the underpants had the current and future centuries embroidered on them.

People ask me, "Mike, instead of the Emergency Underpants Dispenser, wouldn't you like the Underpants in a Can?"

"No. That would be redundant."

And then people go on to ask, "Mike, how about you fashion accessorizing with an Emergency Underpants Guy hat?"

"Not if it means I must complement the look with a red bow tie weave in my luxurious chest pelt."

And then people continue their interviews, "Mike, you take issue with the Emergency Underpants Dispenser slogan, 'Just Grab & Go!'"

"Yes. Obviously, the actions are reversed -- unless these underpants are marketed for dyslexics. Write this down:

1. Go.
2. Grab.

Dyslexic or otherwise, one size supposedly fits all, which might include me (I shall check the carry-on regulations), but beware of the misleading instruction. Be springtime fresh, people, and, of course, summertime, falltime, and wintertime will follow in the U.S. and its territories. Not applicable in Butte, MT.

Bottom Line

What I'd really cherish about the Emergency Underpants are the form-fitting cartoon shimmers embracing and enhancing my butt, outcroppings, and tributary.