Photo Finish

The Big Squeeze
Continued From: Pardon Me, Boy, This Is the Paparazzi Poo-Poo

Oh, man.

The past few days were a debilitating blur. I've been huddled with law enforcement officials from the county and state, a team of attorneys in contrasting suspenders, and Homeland Security and their too strong instant coffee. Crunchy.

The Shriners, working back-up Security in teensy, roving, comical funny cars, helped. They streamed around-the-clock tepid seltzer water into my mug filled with French roasted pellets.

I have been firmly advised to not deal with the extortionist who threatens to release photographs of me practicing self defense in my yard.

Donna and I have been concerned about the large black bear(s) we've seen next to the house, so I gush my urine around outdoors to keep them away. That's a proven, chemically sound remedy.

Nearly a year has elapsed since I began Project Rainbow and the treatment has worked perfectly. No bears have entered our home looking for food. One did peek in at the Wander-Thru Window, but we stop serving breakfast at 10:30 a.m.

Apparently, this swindler, this Pepe, as he calls himself, was stalking me with a telephoto lens sometime last spring. He'd been waiting patiently for a good opportunity to fleece me for his snapshots.

I tell ya, get a little celebrity nowadays and you are toast. Free Blogger blog, I rue the day I acquired thee and thy fame. The paparazzi can't get enough of Mikey.

I've made up my mind. I am not paying the $200,000 ransom to destroy the photos and avoid scrutiny and humiliation. My advisers say I need to deflate the extortion, take away the money motive. I'm to publish the photos myself, right here in the free Blogger blog. Nip it in the bud.

And zip it in the pants.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.

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