Fast Forward

Questions for Mike

1. What one thing are you most looking forward to today?

To finish these questions so I can get back to my drugs. I carve happy gnomes out of solidified Pepto-Bismol.

2. What one thing are you most looking forward to over the next week?

The Oscars! I enjoy feeling superior to that ragtag herd of degenerates. I also like looking at cleavage.

3. What one thing are you most looking forward to this year?

When the Oscars' production numbers are over, I'll have an entire year to relax before the next production numbers bring me down to a palpitating pool of sequiny misery and Debbie Allen.

("And now, to perform the fifth Oscar-nominated Best Song, Reba McEntire and Jesus with The Vienna Boys Choir under the direction of Michael Jackson, from 'The Passion of the Christ,' here's 'Judas Got Game.'")

4. What one thing are you most looking forward to over the next five years?

The Olsen Twins' inevitable career move into "Playboy." I think we've all seen it coming. I don't need to see the photos. I just like smirking, "Told ya!"

5. What one thing are you most looking forward to for the rest of your life?

"Whatever happened to Rosie O'Donnell?"

::::: More: Ask Humor Boy -- Instructive. Entertaining. Nothing Better to Do.