Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Learning My Burlesque Dancer Name Is Chantal Champagne: 

Well, I had been hoping for "Biggish Binky Peterson and His Palpitating Patter."

I would doubt whether these Facebook [quizzes] are calibrated properly, but I need the fivers in my unmentionables.

On Learning My Captain Underpants Name Is Boxer Boy:

I was gonna make a crack, but that somehow seems redundant.

On Learning My Gangster Name Is Sammy 'The Stud' Lonardo:

I was thinking that.

On Learning My Looney Tunes Name Is Elmer Fudd:

Grrrrrrrrrr!

I mean, Gwwwwwwwwww!

In Response to "Cheetos? You've Given Up Cheetos?? I Had No Idea You Were That Strong!!":

If you don't count the INTENSE WEEPING, yes, I am that strong.

In Response to "Little Magical Clowns? You Are Interested in Little Magical Clowns?":

I can't put my finger on what you are referencing. My finger has a LMC on it at the moment....

Our anniversary pounces Feb. 14. Mike, put your arms across your eyes and scream!

Mike Durrett thinks his Mom may be speaking from the beyond - and compelled the lad to buy & eat a box of Ginger Snaps. So unlike him but definitely her.

The cookies are snappier without dunking. They are not called Ginger Sogs.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

'How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son'



News Video: Effeminate Boy Costume Tips: "Keep your son's hands occupied so he can't clap and squeal."

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Lawn of the Dead

I attended a gathering at my friend Randy Stewart's house and while it was a borderline lovely event, some of the attendees were quite discombobulated and, yes, I'll say it, spooky.

I was rather concerned most of the night with their ghoulish stares, heavy-footed prances, and forlorn moans. I am considering suspecting it was the chili, but who can be sure?

I don't know how many of these stiffs I rescued from walking in place incessantly into the corners. I'd spin them around with a weenie tong and they'd shuffle aimlessly back to the party without a word of thanks.

Oh, I did get a couple of love bites. Must be cat people.

Also, having seen "Poltergeist," it is troubling to visit a new subdivision and discover your pal has a burial ground in his front yard. This can lead to chills and sequels.



I shan't nitpick. There was candy.

Ironically, several guests were nit enthusiasts and dibsed mine anyway.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Top 20 Least-Satisfying Trick-or-Treat Candies


Kids, I love you. Please take it from the old guy. I've got more than half a century of knocking on doors Halloween night, begging for goodies. I've taste tested snacks far and wide -- and with experience and wisdom added, this is the definitive list:

Top 20 Least-Satisfying Trick-or-Treat Candies

20. Almond Joyless
19. Milky Way Way Curdled
18. Whizzlers
17. Mike and Ike and Some Guy Named Fester
16. ZagBengayNut
15. Gummi Gristle
14. Drool & Plenty
13. Tootsie Boil Paps
12. Gobstaplers
11. Mr.'s Goo Bar
10. Bit-O-Hannity
9. Sweet Tarts With a Wart and Torn Hose
8. Popcorn Ovaries
7. Hershey's Kisses & Tongue
6. S'mucks
5. Butterfoot
4. Gassy Passy
3. KitKlap
2. Peanut B&M's
1. Sugar-Coated Jawfixers Corrective Surgical Tools

More Taste Tests: Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "Finding Nemo" Cereal | Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "The Incredibles" Multi-Grain Cereal | Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs Cereal | Rice Krispies - The Cat in the Hat Recipe | Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers | Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies | Little Debbie Nutty Bars

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Video Webisode: 'Stuff I'm Too Lazy to Go Type Up #3: In Color'


Mike Durrett, celebrated filmmaker ("We're not like him! We're not like him!..."), goes for an impromptu walk in the fall rain. When nature calls, one must video cam.



"Stuff I'm Too Lazy to Go Type Up #3: In Color" via YouTube
 
 

More: Mike's CONFIDENTIAL Video Webisodes

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Big Weekend



Big weekend ... My clones, Lester and Connie, Black Dynamited their bad selves.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Meet the Neighbors


We're tolerant people. Our gate, which we're too slack to get out of the car to close, is always open to the community, but that doesn't mean we want hotties undulating in and doing it on our kitchen porch.

We're gonna be humiliated on Google Earth, I just know. Where are my dark glasses? ... When I hold my head down, I show chins. ... Please become me, parasols....


With this ring, I hope they thine wed.

Hey, giddy-ups! See that wall? Just beyond is where I keep my pleasing array of spreads and in-progress bottled relishes, endorsed by a cartoon stork toking a pickle. Don't do it near the eats, okay?

Sheesh, they didn't even comment in our guest book.
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