Scenes From a Morty Overheard and Observed at Christmastime

December 24:


My son, Morty, on the lookout for Santa Cat.


Morty demonstrates how Santa Cat will negotiate our chimney.

We also spent a few minutes discussing local fire safety ordinances.

Morty made certain a fresh saucer of milk and a dish of Tender Vittles were set on the hearth before bedtime. Worried about Santa Cat's weight, Morty ate three of the T.V. and nine laps of beverage to help alleviate his feline health concerns.

Won't you help, too? Send your savory kitty yummies and milk to: Morty, in care of this Web site. Offer void in chicken.

***
December 25, Dawn:

Morty (a k a Snorty), asleep against my leg, with visions of catnip toys dancing in his tail: Zzz-bzxz-zzzzz...

Donna (softly touching): Mikey's getting his back tickled on Christmas morning.

Mike (faintly): Mm-hmhh. Thank you, Jesus.

***

The boys caress and suitably spittle their aromatic gifts from Santa Cat. Morty received a catnip bug. Big brother Kelp got a lizard.

***

Morty: MEOW...MEORRRRRRRRRrr! Meowlllllrrr...

Mike: Morty, I don't speak Cat. It is customary, when you come to our country, to learn and talk our language.

Morty gives me the evil look.

In Cat.


Kelp is miffed, too. There's no Braunschweiger in his stocking.

Scenes From a Marriage Overheard at Christmastime

Mike: Donna, are you insane? Have you lost it?

Donna: What?

Mike: There's a wreath on our Panic Room.

•••

Mike: I rented "The Preacher's Wife."

Donna: Oh, with Denzel and, and, and...

Mike: HitMe Houston.

•••

TV: "On the Record With Greta Van Susteren": We're expecting an announcement from the lawyers for the Georgia dentist under arrest ... charged with the 1990 shooting death of his former lover, but has not been charged in his wife's December 4th death. ... And coming up, a warning for Scott Peterson tonight and you won't believe who it's from. ... But first, an eyewitness reveals a disturbing story about the suspect in the Kansas baby snatching. She has the photos to prove it. Plus, the first photos of the snatched baby.

Mike: This must be Greta's Christmas Show.

Donna: It must.

Taste Test: Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "The Incredibles" Multi-Grain Cereal

We superheroes, of course, adhere to a noble code and must bond together. So, I was proud to hear Mr. Incredible spends his off time, away from saving the world, inside his kitchen. Against all odds, he whips up sugary breakfast eats and I support his efforts. Where's my spoon and my hunky force field to operate it?

Being Bladder-Man, Bifocal-Man, Pope Shemp I, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's kindly towel-clad roommate, Felipé, as I am, I don't have that much spare time. But, when I do, I spend it eating cereal -- alternating with bottles of vintage Nik-L-Nip to cleanse the palate.

I'm pleased to be taking part in this Taste Test, mikedurrett.com. Thanks for asking me. I love dispensing of challenges that play to my strength.

Also, for my other duty as About.com's Guide to Humor, it behooves me to be on the lookout for funny new items to share with the readership. And what could be funnier than a breakfast cereal based on "The Incredibles,"
a perfect comedy movie?

I don't mean to jump the gun, but I've been rehearsing saying "Yum-ha, yum-ha!"

I sense I'm going to be all smiles after I tangle with the "strawberry flavored Incrediberry Blast."

It's time to be courageous, Bladder-Man. Time to snap into action and Incredible hilarity!

The Taste Test:


The Verdict: It don't taste funny.

More Taste Tests: Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs Cereal | Rice Krispies - The Cat in the Hat Recipe | Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers | Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies

Pop Go the Weasels

From my email comes this announcement of refurbishment:

"Come see what's new! ... Now featuring: ... Lobby, Concession Stand & Auditoriums."

Ooo! That's so novel for a movie theatre.

There's also free popcorn for every customer. It says right there, "85 oz size."

In weaselly movie theatre accounting, that's a medium tub of popcorn, but in real life 85 ounces makes for a huge amount of puffery!

For example, a snack pack from a convenience store routinely holds less than 3 ounces net weight of popped corn. It would take approximately 30 bags of convenience store popcorn to equal 85 ounces!

Microwave popcorn averages 3 ounces net weight per package popped! There are generally six packages of microwave popcorn inside each carton from the supermarket. You'd need to cook more than 4.5 boxes of microwave popcorn to yield 85 ounces for munching.

Enjoy the show. Take along your weight scales and giant lawn bag when you demand your full 85 ounces of popped corn per person. It's advertised.

Better yet, demand your promised 85 ounces of popcorn in kernels.

Movies are still your best entertainment!

Mad Cow Insanity Spreads to Milk Distributors?

I love this milk, but WHERE THE HELL IS MY NIPPLE?!

Life Revs Full Tilt During Holiday Season

Phew! I remain exhausted. The growing Christmas whirl overwhelms me. Here's my weekend.

Friday
Attended family counseling session with our cat, Morty, who insists on changing his name to Greta.

Saturday
Spent quality time with my naked lady mudflaps.

Sunday
Arrested at movie theatre, while rolling condom onto the projector's lens barrel before "Seed of Chucky."

10 More Medical Revelations at My Annual Physical Examination

20. Inexplicably, Don King at my weigh-in.

19. Free "Dodgeball" DVD with every low sperm count.

18. Cat box clumping not acceptable as exercise.

17. Flatline EKG misdiagnosed as "a Ben Afflecker."

16-15. To appeal to Baby Boomers, blood withdrawals accompanied by attendant's "Hey, man, this is good shit."

And insurance co-pay raised to $40 and a mule-lipped doobie.

14. My chest x-ray featured a cameo by Alfred Hitchcock's chest.

13. "Open up and say 'ahhhh,'" not deemed necessary to say to the cute nurse.

12. Treadmill stress endurance stopped when I became winded tying sneakers.

And the number 11 medical revelation at my annual physical examination...

Exit poll showed my prostate resides in a blue state.

Mr. Durrett's Medical History: Top 10 Medical Revelations at My Annual Physical Examination | State of the Mike | Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner | Top 12 Joys During a Colonoscopy Examination

Top 10 Medical Revelations at My Annual Physical Examination

10. Orchestra seating now wheelchair accessible.

9. Fasting includes Happy Mealless and toy.

8. Butt imprint on paper sheeting: New religion at eBay!

7. Urology lab apple juice still tastes bitter.

6. Doctor's probe gloves: Deep green for that fondled by Herman Munster feeling.

5. Petroleum jelly no longer refrigerated. Cooled by glare of Teresa Heinz Kerry.

4. Ragu Sauced believed treatable.

3. Checking Prostate renamed Checking, Point, and Plug.

2. For $10 more, Doc rotated my shoes, topped off fluids, and Dustbustered my socks.

And the number one medical revelation during my annual physical examination...

Back moles not cancerous, but best to set them free to burrow lawns.

Mr. Durrett's Medical History: State of the Mike | Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner | Top 12 Joys During a Colonoscopy Examination

Top 10 Reasons My Life Should Be Rated "G"

10. Urologist always hums "It's a Small World."

9. Favorite Internet porn site: ziggy.com

8. Favorite drag queen: Mary Poppins Fresh Doughboy

7. Mr. Disney requested I not wear a bikini.

6. Allowed to watch only cartoons, and then only "Scooby-Don't."

5. Baby teeth grew in AFTER my adult teeth.

4. We wrote our nuptials in Alpha Bits, making "I DO" with a pair of zeroes.

3. Hip tattoo is Welch's Grape Juice.

2. Belly ring matches the one in my tub.

And the number one reason my life should be rated "G":

Mating dance is Shake'n Bake. And I helped.