I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: Phyllis Diller: "The Pruitts of Southampton" (1966) Opening Theme via YouTube

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Media 

[Some Guy Named] Tony 
Fox "news" is a joke and the people who watch it are idiots - get a laugh track

Mike
Tony, "News" is capitalized. There should be a period after "idiots." No hyphen. Capitalize "Get." A period placed immediately after "track" will impress all of the smart people.

On the Rapture

Friend Claire
Well, it is 8pm and I'm still here. I'm feeling a little rejected now.

Mike
I was convinced I was heading to a snowglobe. I think my mittens were raptured. I can't find them anywhere now....

Still With the Rapture

Brother Bob, 10:37 a.m.
Fire drill....!!!

Mike, 11:38 a.m.
Can I come back inside now?

On Compassion

Friend Jessica
Some ppl amaze me !!! Ugh !!!!

Mike
Pick a card. Any card.

Again With the Rapture

Friend Bill
I must be dreaming...........I'm still here..........

Mike
I must be dreaming....... you're still here.

On Movie Trivia

Alfred Hitchcock Geek
Here's one for the Word Freaks. In today's NY Times Crossword Puzzle, a clue reads: "Chilly shower setting." Ten letters.

Mike
BATESMOTEL. I must be a genius.

V.
Bates Motel

D.
Bates Motel

D.P.
Yup:) BATESMOTEL love it.

Alfred Hitchcock Geek
You're all correct!!

Mike
Yeah, but I'm the genius, right?

Alfred Hitchcock Geek
Yes Mike, you're the genius.

Big Weekend

Big weekend, surviving the nefarious "Robot Monster"! 



"Robot Monster" Trailer via YouTube

An unfrequent 35mm engagement of the 1953 alleged science-fiction alleged chiller was enough to roll me out of bed and scream at the heavens, "Why, God? Why?!"

He didn't respond, so I bawled and crawled from the bedroom into the yard and over to the car. I managed enough strength to pull myself and sidekick chest mud and grass stains up into the driver's seat. I turned the ignition key. The engine started, dadgummit. I aimed the wheels due north for Chattanooga.

A giant hand descended from a fluffy cloud over the highway, grabbed my vehicle's roof between a gargantuan index finger and exemplary opposible thumb. With a lightning fast twist of that wrist, the car spun around, now pointed south. The hand gave my trusty coupe a powerful nudge, so I drove towards Atlanta and the Plaza Theatre, host to the "Robot Monster" debacle. I was going to watch the motion picture after all.

Don't believe the hyperbole you saw in the coming attractions trailer (above).

Overwhelming!
Electrifying!
Baffling!

That boast is exaggerated by two-thirds. "Robot Monster" is Underwhelming! Coma Inducing! Baffling!

Baffling it is. A more apt description would be hard to concoct. The incredulous story of aliens from outer space, who are supposedly robots, but have the bodies of mangy, furry, gorilla suits with zippers up the back, topped off with no big monkey heads, stuffed into deep sea divers helmets.

The exposition descends into less plausibility as it goes along. The epic is set in a desert with nowhere to deep dive, excepting the soapy reservoir of the villain's evil Billion Bubble Machine. The plot is a shambles. Continuity changes inexplicably, and in the middle of this end-of-the-world tale, stock footage of predatory lizards impersonating dinosaurs pop into sight with no reasoning or table manners.

I fingered the shutter button on my camera -- and, unscrewing the bulb, an aisle light socket.

Hmmm. Maybe this flick is electrifying.

Either me or the snapshots got fuzzy. You smell smoldering hair?

The film is known as "Robot Monster," "Monster From Mars," "Monsters From the Moon," and a stultifying, soul-sapping heap.

Over the course of a misspent life, I have had the prickly heat of seeing "Robot Monster" in 3-D, in 2-D, and in this newly-revealed process the Plaza calls "Super HypnoPrismaScope!" Additionally, all showings of the flick were presented in the miracle of 37-Z.

"Zzz-zzzzzz-zzzz-zz-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

The handsome cardboard-mounted "Magic Glasses" lenses issued to the audience added a dash of rainbow colors to the black-and-white 2-D print projected onto the screen. Multiple identical images dazzled, blurred, and swirled around my migraine.

The effect suggested the point-of-view visions of a housefly. I prayed to flit into an oncoming windshield.

By the end of the millennium (this cinematic sucker is A LONG 66 minutes!), the Robot Monster has fallen smitten to the charms of the 1-D, overacting Earth sweet thang. He babenaps her across an apocalyptic wasteland, grasping the helpless lass in his arm shags. She's hot for creature.

Not.

Eventually, the movie concluded. I located my pulse. It was already in the car with the air conditioner on.

In fairness, perhaps there had been a misprint. Maybe the preview trailer was meant to read:

Overwhelming!
Electrifying!
Barfing!

If I ever see "Robot Monster" again, it won't be in 2-D. It won't be in 3-D. It won't be in TV. It will be in Pepto-Bismol.

Slackjaw Dumbstruck: 'Happy Hot Dog Man™'

"Happy Hot Dog Man™" via YouTube
Franks to Ray Taylor

Cartoon Carnival: June Bugs 4

Bugs Bunny & Elmer Fudd in "What's Opera, Doc?" (Chuck Jones, 1957) via Spike


Bugs Bunny & Elmer Fudd in "Hare Tonic" (Chuck Jones, 1945) via YouTube

Bugs Bunny, Marvin the Martian & K-9 in "The Hasty Hare" (Chuck Jones, 1952) via YouTube

Movies in the Movies: 'Lucky Me'

Doris Day: "The Superstition Song" from "Lucky Me" via YouTube

Star Doris Day opens the 1954 musical "Lucky Me" by singing a cheery song across the Floridian streets of lovely Miami -- except the entire enterprise was faked on the Burbank, CA lot at Warner Bros.

I've been fortunate to visit the studio twice and stroll the much photographed outdoor set, although I didn't warble show tunes or get gunned down by James Cagney.

Maybe next time.

As Doris passes along the movie theatre's sidewalk, we see posters for "The Command," an actual Warner production released in Feb. 1954. "Lucky Me" hit screens in April, so this ploy was a smart up-to-the-minute product placement to entice sharp eyes.

I do so wish Miss Day had lingered. I'd be under that theatre marquee beside her in a scant 43 years.

We'd have lunch at the commissary, croon the obligatory duet, bungalow in Carmel, and rescue puppies.

"The Command" advertisement boasts its presentation in the months-old technological process of CinemaScope, yet the picture was produced twice for non-compatible cameras. Here's an interesting bit of trivia, found at Internet Movie Database:

Filmed in two separate versions - 3-D and CinemaScope - with different aspect ratios (1.37:1 for the 3-D, and 2.55:1 for the CinemaScope print). Only the wide screen version was ever released, though the 3-D elements still exist in Warner Bros. vault. Also the first wide screen Western of the 1950's. The flat (i.e. non 3-D) 1.37:1 version was also made available to theatres who were not yet equipped to project CinemaScope.

"Lucky Me," by the way, is reported to be the first musical in CinemaScope, although there is conflicting research.

It appears the Judy Garland version of "A Star Is Born" was the first musical to go before the CinemaScope camera. It's 10-month schedule to completion, however, delayed release until October.

"Lucky Me" lucked out.

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter: 

Had @RepWeiner's resignation on the TV in the next room. Did I hear correctly? "I'm going undercover as Big Momma."

My cat Melvin is threatening to change his name to Melvis. Why not? I'm Michaelvis.

Finally saw LIFE WITH FATHER (1947). Wm Powell & Irene Dunne would be heavyweight parents, though I'd be in a li'l suit learning the violin.

Nosebud. I didn't want to make time, but I was compelled to do so, a fascinating read: THE MANY NOSES OF ORSON WELLES: http://t.co/cP7koew

On this day [June 20] 1924, America's most decorated WWII combat soldier -- and movie star -- Audie Murphy was born. Thanks for your service & oaters.

Transforming my outdated bathroom into my dream bathroom. Yeah. Sure. I'm doing that.

Simply torn up I must miss HOTTIES VERSUS NERDS WIPE-OUT. Thursday is my night for SKANKS VERSUS SKUNKS RIPE-IN. Keith Olbermann smells.

I'm considering the dazzling technological achievement, Total Pillow, "5 pillows in 1," as I am the state-of-the-art 5 snoozers in 1.

Braved my third cataract operation. Not because I have three eyes, but because I will do anything for post-op cookies and juice.

My eye surgeon was pleased with my check-up. I see 20/14 distance & read the bottom line close up. I said, "I can see clear into next week."

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Oh, My, This Is Movie Theatre Employee P*rn!

--And just too exhilaratingly wonderful not to share. 

As you may know, I have worked in motion picture theatres off and on since Kiddie Mike in 1962. I'm also a moviegoer and I DETEST the cretins and jerks that bottom feed their ways into decent audiences conducting themselves all polite and quiet.

The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Austin, TX, with the sentiments and video below, has become one of my favorite places on Earth -- and I've never been there.

Take it away, Alamo idols. Kudos!

We do not tolerate people that talk or text in the theater. In fact, before every film, we have several warnings on screen to prevent such happenings. Occasionally, someone doesn't follow the rules, and we do, in fact, kick their asses out of our theater. This video is an actual voicemail from a woman that was kicked out of one of our Austin theaters. Thanks, anonymous woman, for being awesome.

Hang on, explicit language ahead. Here's one of America's bright and classy people working that phone.



"Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail" via YouTube and Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule: "The Alamo Drafthouse's 'Magnited' Campaign Against Movie Theater Morons"

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Family Guy: Lois Mom Mum Mommy" via YouTube

Big Weekend

Big weekend, a luncheon at a deli, which suddenly turned into a panic of exasperation when I excused myself for the Gents.

I found no Gents. There was a broom closet, a couple of trashcans, and the fizzy drinks drain.

I also noticed a door marked "Manly Bunz." This might have been the "Gents" of a bygone era updated into a really annoying piece of pop culture cutesiness. Hey, I had to pee, people!

PEE, I TELL YA!!

I certainly do have Manly Bunz (and mine are spelled correctly), but the door alongside the first cooed, "Shapely Bunz."

Well, hell yeah, I do have Shapely Bunz. Nine out of 10 proctologists agree. The tenth one is into crullers. I have no idea what that's all about.

"Durrett, 'rrett, wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do?"

Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz? Manly Bunz? Shapely Bunz?

Drat.

I drove my Sopping Bunz home.

Real fast and humid.

Cartoon Carnival: June Bugs 3

Bugs Bunny came face-to-face with Wile E. Coyote in the super genius prairie wolf's second screen outing, "Operation: Rabbit." It is interesting to note at the outset of his screen career, the crafty predator (Canis latrans) was not forever linked to his preferred object of desire, The Road Runner. He was freelancing.

'Twas Bunny vs. Coyote five times over the years. Here are three encounters.



Bugs Bunny & Wile E. Coyote in "Operation: Rabbit" (Chuck Jones, 1951) via YouTube



Bugs Bunny & Wile E. Coyote in "To Hare Is Human" (Chuck Jones, 1956) via YouTube



Bugs Bunny & Wile E. Coyote in "Rabbit's Feat" (Chuck Jones, 1960) via YouTube

Double Feature Kitties: 'Lioness Tries to Eat Baby at the Zoo' and 'Hungry Cat'

Who wants lunch? 

Morty does. He's staring at me. He's got that look. I'm comforted he's only nine pounds big.

I wouldn't care for him eating my special recipe: Me.



"Lioness Tries to Eat Baby at the Zoo" via YouTube


"Hungry Cat" via Snotr

Breaking News: 'Suspicious Package Found Outside Weiner's DC Office'

Is it wearing grey snuggy undies?

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Correspondence Folders 

07/26/09 

Great! But I won't be dancing in your wedding. I'll be in the lobby selling T-shirts and watered-down Cokes.

03/04/11

Thanks. Can I come sleep under the pastry rack?

08/01/09

If you're going to be me, you'll have to stop eating meat immediately and go to a Walmart thrice per week to become suitably annoyed.

Thank you.

04/18/11

Thanks for the info. The maintenance appears to be clerical, not technical. I'll be out hopping with bunnies anyway.

08/03/09

Can he get me Ann B. Davis' autograph? Maybe her oatmeal cookie recipe?

08/21/09

No. I am a grown man. I wept and crawled into a ball under the table.

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Top Ten Betty White Tips for Living a Long and Happy Life" from "Late Show With David Letterman" via YouTube

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter: 

My nocturnal leg cramp can beat up your father. 

SpongeBob SquarePants has 23,134,095 more Facebook friends than me, but I retain water better.

I'm considering following @BabyWeiner and Twitter tells me, "Similar to @JoyVBehar." ... Oh, how I've suspected that....

The celebrities, they write to me: @BabyWeiner sez to @MikeDurrett: "i am nothing like joy behar. much shorter."

The grand email has arrived: "@BabyWeiner is now following you (@MikeDurrett)." Boy, that takes me back to the horror of my radio career....

@TeachFilm asks: "What makes a great film, great?" -- I know! I know! Sprocket holes.

Now playing, according to my satellite radio's limited display screen: "Frank Sinatra: 'I Could Have Dan.'"

My wife is off on a scenic weekend trip through the Tenn. mountains, but I have to stay home & eat up the garlic bread before it goes stale.

You know, I'm a peace-loving man, yet I have never -- not once, not one time -- have I been engaged in fisticuffs by Foo.

My navel orange has an innie. The one yesterday was pierced with a dangly pendant.

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Big Weekend

Big weekend, as some 30-year spouse, who will go nameless, made me push around her groceries. 

*sigh* 

It was a girl's buggy!

Cartoon Carnival: June Bugs 2

Bunny and Duck star in their hunting trilogy. Hold onto your beak. 



Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck: "Rabbit Fire" (Chuck Jones, 1951) via Trilulilu


Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck: "Rabbit Seasoning" (Chuck Jones, 1952) via Trilulilu


Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck: "Duck! Rabbit, Duck!" (Chuck Jones, 1953) via YouTube

  

Slackjaw Dumbstruck: 'Udderly Amazing: Girl Teaches Cow to Jump'

Moovin' on up. 



"Udderly Amazing: Girl Teaches Cow to Jump" via YouTube

Double Feature Kitties: 'Shell Game Cat' and 'Cat Burglar Ninja'

I'll give the boy this. My furry son / sidekick has outdone himself with another impressive program of entertainment.

Personally, "Shell Game Cat" may be the most amazing feline flick ever!

That is, until I video Morty playing Parcheesi. I suspect his dice are loaded. I know his mice are.

"Cat Burglar Ninja" is also impressive. Morty, don't try this at home.



"Shell Game Cat" via YouTube


"Cat Burglar Ninja" via YouTube

Big Weekend

Big weekend, as my wife went on a scenic hiking expedition and overnight amidst the Great Smoky Mountains, while I remained at home with the kitties and cleaned out litter boxes.

Equal?

I think so.

Cartoon Carnival: June Bugs

The great movie trilogy of my youth -- actually, from before my birth -- was not "Star Wars," "Indiana Jones," or "The Lord of the Rings." It was the monumental battle of wits and physical endurance between one uncharacteristically frazzled Bugs Bunny and ... uh ... uh ... Cecil Turtle.

Am I inferring there might have been more than one tortoise?

Mmm-ehhh, it's a possibility.



Bugs Bunny & Cecil Turtle: "Tortoise Beats Hare" (Tex Avery, 1941) via YouTube


Bugs Bunny & Cecil Turtle: "Tortoise Wins by a Hare" (Bob Clampett, 1943) via YouTube

Bugs Bunny & Cecil Turtle: "Rabbit Transit" (Friz Freleng, 1947) via YouTube
Suggested by GoldenAgeCartoons.com

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Another Exorcist" (2011) via YouTube and "San Diego Reader"