Mikey Fall Down and Go, 'BOOM!'

I almost offed myself.

Oh, not on purpose, but by accident.

My life did not flash before my eyes.

I did see the end title, "James Bond 007 Will Return Without You."

I am very near-sighted. I could not find my glasses on the bed table, so considering the cat occasionally knocks stuff onto the floor, I slid off the mattress and searched the carpet for the peepers.

No luck. While I was on the knees, I checked the night table again. The Scandinavian furniture has a pull-down shelf which extends beyond the counter space nestled inside a small chest of drawers. When I looked through the pile of magazines and doodads accumulated at the rear, I propped my arms on the outer shelf in order to lean in for a closer view.

Mistake. The shelf collapsed from the weight, literally breaking apart from the mounts and falling to the floor. Subsequently, I descended like a brick. The underside of my nose hit the edge of the solid wood table with great impact. Pain and a flood of blood arrived immediately.

My first thought was of my wife because I love her and I feared I was in deep trouble without her assistance.

My second concern was, having never bled with such profusion, I could soon pass out and expire.

#3: I have nine unseen episodes of "Monk" on the TiVo. Me dead = grim.

Being home alone, I figured the best emergency move was to try to stop the bleeding. With both hands cupped beneath my smeller gusher, I raced upstairs to the bathroom sink and quickly tidied the mangled mug in the mirror and packed toilet paper into my in-and-ex hale holes.

I sat in a chair with my face tilted back. I brushed the kitty aside. Dangling nostril Cottonelle is not a cat toy.

The bleeding ceased swiftly and I lived, in case you haven't noticed I'm typing this report.

Other than general soreness and a swollen proboscis, I am fine, although my ego has suffered damage. No matter how many times I've shared this sober tale, I recognize everyone wrongly assumes I was drunk.

Going forward, I'll claim bees stung me for swiping honey.

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "World's Smallest Horse: Tiny Einstein" via YouTube
Related: "Half-Pint Palomino"

---

Thanks to Yowp!

'How CinemaScope Works'

As a career movie theatre projectionist, I've spent much of my time explaining how CinemaScope productions, those extra-widescreen films (also marketed as Panavision, Techniscope, etc.), are created. It's confusingly technical, so how pleasing to find this instructional video.


"How CinemaScope Works" via YouTube

Big Weekend

Big weekend, going public with my new pinkie ring.

I ventured out, slowly, to acclimate in the forested gloom. A chipmunk mocked me. I know it, that sashaying rodent.

After 29 years, and with great difficulty, I am close to not being able to remove my wedding band from its proper finger, too chubby, too swollen.

Thus, the dreaded relocation to Pinkiesville.

I feel like a gangster in a Damon Runyon story. I find myself belting out show tunes from "Guys and Dolls." Street corner newspaper urchins tip their caps and say, "Howdy, Mr. Detroit! Jeepers, you're hotsy-totsy!"

Wearing a pinkie ring is kinda embarrassing, but will it escalate and lead me to no good?

*gasp!*

Am I on the path to -- *gulp!* -- Jazz Hands?

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

Just Thinking:

Mike 
I'm only asking you to try this on for a few days. Give it a few days: Michael Bombshell Durrett.

Friend Ray 
How 'bout Michael "Dr. Bombay" Durrett?

Mike
Well, Ray, my friend, that ... would be ... dishonest.

I assume you are referring to Dr. Bombay from "Bewitched." I need to avoid becoming connected to that fine program due to awkward marital issues at home. Long, never publicly-addressed accusations of an extended affair of Agnes Moorehead amour have cornered me and the generous bequoth of her secret cannister warehouse of unspritzed Screen Gems hair lacquers. I shall only acknowledge I was a conscientious pool boy to Miss Endora and always returned the rake to the shed.

Friend Ray 
I believe you were more likely "Uncle Arthur's" pool boy, knowing your rep!

Mike 
That scamp. He forced me into the arms of Alice Ghostley.

Friend Frank
I once thought I spent an amorous weekend with Alice Ghostley but it turned out to be Paul Lynde in drag. Hey, who could tell the difference?

On the 90 Degrees Weather:

Friend Claire
Did you cook any eggs on the porch?

Mike 
That would be silly. Cook eggs on the roof. Muffins on the porch.

Friend Claire
I stand corrected! Where do you do the bacon?

Mike
Bacon on the sidewalk, near the curb for the drippings run-off. I don't eat meat, so I oatmeal in the gutter.

On Current Events:

Mike
News Item: "Man accused of drunken horse riding." 

Issued a DUP. Driving Under the Palimino.

Friend Claire
What was the horse drinking?

Mike
Cloptails.

Elvis and Ann-Margret Rehearse 'Viva Las Vegas'

Here's a find. Ann-Margrock impersonator Ann-Margret and Elvis Presley, father of the Elvis impersonators, are seen in this behind-the-scenes rehearsal footage for "Viva Las Vegas" (1964).

"Elvis Rehearses With Ann-Margret" via Spike.com

Bedrockcare

I'm told Flintstones Vitamins are excellent dietary supplements for grown-ups. I was eager to consume Vitamin Fred, Vitamin Wilma, Vitamin Barney, Vitamin Betty, Vitamin Pebbles, and Vitamin Bamm-Bamm, but stopped cold when I discovered one of the ingredients is gelatin, derived from animals. I'm a vegetarian, so no can do.

And downing Dino?

Nuh uh. Nope. I won't eat pets.

Plus, I don't swallow anything alien, so go Gazoo yourself.

Nevertheless, I'd cave, man, if I could get me some Ann-Margrock.


"The Flintstones" with Ann-Margrock ("Ain't Gonna Be Your Fool No More") via YouTube

More on Flintstones Vitamins: "How My Thanksgiving Day Was Ruined Beyond Despair"

Double Feature Kitties: 'Standing Cat' & 'Standing Cat in Boots!'

Morty says he can't stand these motion pictures, but I caught him practicing deep knee bends over his Whiskas.

Here's "Standing Cat" and the inevitable quickie reimagining for some foreign markets.


"Standing Cat" via YouTube


"Standing Cat in Boots! (Featuring Zorro Cat and Mariachi Cat" via YouTube

Spring Cleaning

Some Clutter I Wanna Throw Out

I posted this photograph, a few weeks ago, but made no comment. The handmade sign on the table says: "ASSORTED GOURDS."

That bothers me. Aren't gourds assorted by definition? No two are precisely alike. Or have I not heard of a gourd lathe or something?

---

I purchased several DVDs online. Being a loving husband, I offered -- pleaded, actually -- to buy Donna "Gomer Pyle: The Complete Second Season" (aka "Sgt. Carter Gone Wild!") (aka "Gomer Gone Awkward!") (aka "Ronnie Schell Gone Unnoticed!") and "Porky's: The Ultimate Collection" for her birthday, but she seemed a tad disinterested, especially after the yelling subsided. Hey, it's her birthday.

---

FROM THE DESK OF Mike

YouTube, never-erring arbiter of good taste, presents charming CNN footage entitled, "Larry King Farts: LIVE."

I'm not so sure about this, but I can dream, can't I?

Thoughts During 'South Pacific'

• This current Broadway revival tour is spectacular, the best. I've seen both "South Pacific" movies and several productions of the play, plus "Miss Saigon," which is not, but really is "South Pacific."
  
  
• So beautiful, I began tearing up during the overture. First rule of the stage: Whenever there's a harp in the pit, there's going to be moisture.
  
  
• Rod Gilfrey as Emile makes Robert Goulet sound like Pee-wee Herman.
  
  
• Though, you know, Pee-wee would make an interesting Nellie.
  
  
• The signature song is "Some Enchanted Evening," when two people fall in love. I can appreciate the sentiment, but, for me, some enchanted evening is when two people fall in love and she gives me all her pizza, Cheetos, and Girl Scout Thin Mints.
  
  
• Still thinking about that last one.
  
  
• Interesting that this musical has no title song, like Rodgers and Hammerstein's previous success, "Oklahoma!"
  
  We know we belong to island
  And island we belong to is grand!
  And when we say
  Yeeow! Kamikazeeeees!
  We're only sayin'
  You're doin' fine, South Pacific!
  South Pacific S. - P -
  A - C - I - F - I - C
  South Pacific!
  Luau!
  
  
• World War II sure had a lot of show tunes. It's hard to imagine killing before the Cha-Cha-Cha accompanied by AK-40s.
  
  
• I have never owned a sailor's cap. I borrowed one once and people mistook me for Speedy Alka-Seltzer.
  
  
• I love the romantic nostalgia of "There Is Nothin' Like a Dame." Nowadays, it would be TiVo.
  
  
• I've always longed to holiday on Bali Ha'i. The closest I ever came was Bally's Vegas. Jack Carter in the Lounge is not a vacation.
  
  
• If I were to "wash that man right outa my hair,"  I'd need:
       a. good conditioner
       b. shower slippers with no-slide bottoms
       c. the strength of eight
       d. spin doctor
  
  
• I, too, am "a cockeyed optimist." Contact lenses reversed again.
  
  
  
  
  

Big Weekend

Living in a small town, theme parks are hard to come by.

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Mattress Dominoes World Record Attempt" via YouTube

---

Thanks to Randy Stewart

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I don't know which is worse. The cat in the litter box? Or his can of Salmon Glade?

@WH2H_Radio on our cat's Salmon Glade: "My cat likes Turkey or Chicken Febreeze. She's not a fish-lover." May I recommend the Beaks Renuzit?

Delicious for Tax Day: Dictionary.com Word of the Day: "pelf: Money; riches; gain; -- generally conveying the idea of something ill-gotten."

I've filed an extension on my taxes. I can't bend over that far by [April 15th].

Looking for a movie this weekend... Probably won't go see TYLER PERRY'S WHY DID I THINK MIKE WOULD GO SEE THIS.

Headline: "Abraham Lincoln film found in barn." America's 16th president shown divorcing Larry King.

I asked my doctor if my heart is healthy enough for sex. Apparently, the Lawn Doctor is not accredited, but he did pluck lice off my fern.

Scrabble changes rules to allow names. So, how many points is "LOSERS?"

Bought New Sneakers, $12, Walmart, Both Feet. Socks Extra. Work Forwards & Backwards. Three EZ Payments. Will Lace for Tips.

Headline: "Navy Nixes Smoking on Submarines." ... Let 'em step outside like everyone else...

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Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Unbridled Freedom:

Mike
I'm batching it this weekend and we all know what that means. Froot Loops! Froot Loops! Indelicate Really Out There Scratching! Froot Loops!

Friend Alan
She's going to have to scrape you off the ceiling when she gets back. There should be a chapter for Froot Loops in every parenting book! Maybe you can help with the research.

Mike
Don't worry about me, Alan. I'm diluting the intake with Fruity Pebbles.

Later:

Mike
Fruity Pebbles! Fruity Pebbles! Pruity Febbles!

On Current Events:

Friend Ray
Mike, I'm a little bit behind in the news. What was the outcome of that O.J. trial?

Mike
Listen, Ray, get serious. I just heard Eisenhower had a massive heart attack!

On My New Hobby:

Mike
I'm building my own planet. Donations accepted. I started a needs list: hydrogen, oxygen, licensed real estate agent, Chex Mix, Baby Wipes...

Friend Charlotte
Gravity.

Mike
I started to give you a flip response, like, "Oh, I am very serious," but, you are correct, I will need gravity and put it on the list. Funny how we always forget the little things....

Friend Sandi
I'll bring the ribs.

Friend Bill
You can have our snow -- we're only supposed to get 2+ feet.

Mike
...Barbecue sauce, snow shovel, giant rubber mallets...

Friend Dale
HBO.

Mike
Gee, I dunno. HBO would be nice, but I may open a Blockbuster there instead. I'm afraid a long cable from Earth might trip up a space station or two.

Friend Cathy
Duck Tape....

Mike
Ducks shall roam free.

Scouting 'To Kill a Mockingbird'

Last week, I wrote of revisiting the fine film adaptation of Harper Lee's novel, "To Kill a Mockingbird."

A few days later at a cinema site I frequent, Trailers From Hell, director John Badham ("Saturday Night Fever," "WarGames," "Short Circuit") chose "To Kill a Mockingbird" to discuss. I knew why, but, perhaps, you do not. He has a close relationship to the motion picture.

Visit Trailers From Hell to see the 1962 "To Kill a Mockingbird" trailer with John Badham's recent commentary.

Sadly, I must inform you there is no mention of the ham suit.

Big Weekend

Big weekend, sprouting a Wilford Brimley to man up at the Grand Canyon.

I might have to grow another one for Donna to wear.

Hooked on Plaza Drugs

Here's a vintage TV commercial, originating in the mid-1960s. We can bank on that date because of the wardrobe styles and the 16mm film is in color. Such technology would have been a superfluous expense in the earlier black-and-white era.

Plaza Drugs is an Atlanta landmark, primarily due to this ad which ran every night, apparently, for at least 15-20 years. I remember it following "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" when I was in early high school. WSB-TV, Channel 2, sandwiched the spot between the end of every Carson program and the station's "National Anthem" sign-off at 1 a.m. The piece would show on other stations in the market, usually during the wee hours or occupying time slots when the rates were minimal.


Plaza Drugs Commercial via YouTube
I recall three versions of the advertisement, this one being the final. All used the identical footage and essentially the same narration. The soundtrack was rerecorded with changing musical accompaniments and voiced by different announcers. For a dozen years or so, the pharmacists in the white coats could be heard saying, "Check," as they marked off items on the impressive Plaza Pharmacy note paper.

One particularly somber violin melody was a background theme, haunting and annoying me throughout high school, college, and life. I would stumble out of my chair or bed to turn the volume down on the television whenever I anticipated the Plaza Drugs commercial to be shown.

The hokey presentation was and remains a stock joke for thousands, perhaps millions, of long-time residents of the area, many of whom would not have been caught dead or alive in the store's tumultuous neighborhood of decades ago. Who would risk everything and white dainty gloves to purchase seemingly old-fashioned cosmetics and Hallmark cards at 4 o'clock in the morning, while derelicts lurked and urinated near the front door?

The operation's key selling point was the promise, "Plaza Pharmacy is never closed. Open day and night, including all holidays."

Those words are ingrained and trusted as gospel. The liars have been closed since 1997, according to a source.

Today, "the complete meals and fountain delights" are an apparel business.

Plaza Pharmacy is always clothed.

Check.

---

Thanks to Stan Malone

Funny Site of the Day Redux, Can We Get the Ducks Outta Here, Please?...

When I began writing Web humor articles professionally, having been deemed an "expert" on the topic by The Mining Co. (later rebranded as About.com), I had experienced the Internet a mere 12 weeks in total, if that.

My site went live on April 1, 1998. I quit on April 1, 2009. Until April 1, 2010, I was on sabbatical, which meant not writing that stuff, and devoting myself to a vivacious new world I called Funny Pudding of the Day.

So, last week, under the cover of darkness and beneath an indifferent cat who doesn't understand "Marmaduke" (kitty gets that from me), I revisited my ritual Funny Site of the Day Internet pathways, previously traversed and sometimes cursed for more than a decade.

Where has it all brought us?

The new FunnySiteOfTheDay.com is up and smiling, growing and ongoing. Please check in on amusements you may not have seen before or for awhile.

Pass them along to enemies, invites the grizzled, seasoned-veteran "expert."

'Shane' Came Back

I was happy, several weeks ago, to attend a rare 35mm showing of the quintessential western, "Shane," at the Plaza Theatre in Atlanta. The 1953 film is an American classic and one I've enjoyed seven or eight times over the years.

During introductory comments, we learned of a blooper, which unspooled before us, a few minutes later. When Shane rides his horse into the movie from a distant 19th century Wyoming vista, a minuscule white dot can be seen behind him, moving briskly, left to right across the screen. It's a truck rolling on from the future.

Jack Palance as the villain gunslinger, according to the remarks, was incompetent handling horses. Numerous attempts to capture him mounting his steed in a fluid movement were made without success. What is projected in the movie is footage of him dismounting -- reversed.

Montgomery Clift is said to have been the director's first choice to play the mysterious Shane. When he became unavailable, Paramount's action star Alan Ladd was cast. While Ladd is strong in the role, he was only 5'6" in stature. Camera tricks abound in making him appear much taller and physically imposing. Hollywood legend has it Ladd would often stand on boxes in his movies or his larger co-stars would walk alongside, below him in a trench.

I like Alan Ladd a lot. He is Shane, but the guy can appear awkward riding a horse. Western champs best be mammoth in the saddle -- think John Wayne. This man does not look his part. I suspect Ladd may be riding a tiny horse, too, to visually compensate. Nevertheless, whenever I watch his horseback scenes, I cannot help but compare him to the hero of "Drag-A-Long Droopy."




"Shane" Reissue Trailer via YouTube


"Drag-A-Long Droopy" (1954) via YouTube

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On My Birthday:

Friend Frank Thompson
Mikey, you should try something different and original for this birthday. I suggest cake.

Mike
Okay. This is highly irregular, but I will try it. Can you, like, make a party out of cake? Or, maybe, dessert?

Frank
A party? That would be a little weird for a birthday, wouldn't it? I mean, I said to try something original but I didn't mean for you to go out of your mind.

Mike
Thank you for your concern and advice. I appreciate you being at The Help Desk on a Saturday. I've also cancelled and dasn't go near the ice cream.

On Scouting:

Mike
I'm so excited "To Kill a Mockingbird" is coming to my TV in 1080p. It's a dream come true: Hi-def ham suit!

Friend Claire
I've always wanted a ham suit since I first saw TKAM. I tried spam once but it melted in the sun.

Mike
I never knew what to do with the mustard and cloves. They collected in my ham socks.

Claire
Sounds like walking on coals, that mustard is hot! I wrapped tin foil around my feet to avoid that problem, oh no, wait, that was around my head to avoid aliens. I get so confused.

Mike
Does Frank still go as Tater Tots?

Claire
Not since I bit a hunk out of his side! Now he goes as macaroni and cheese but he leaves little orange puddles everywhere and we don't get invited out as much as we used to.

Friend Frank
Oh, don't try to blame this on me. You're the one who alienates people, you with your Boo Radley overalls.

On Purchasing 125 Lbs. of Kitty Litter:

Friend Yowp
125 pounds? What are you feeding your cat - Ex-lax?

Mike
Fancy Feen-A-Mint.

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

April 1st was the 32nd anniversary of my first date with Donna. Most of the people who said our marriage wouldn't last are dead.

Theatres curtailing engagements of HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, tired of lifting the auditoriums after each show to spread fresh newspapers.

I'm presently not spring cleaning 1973. Spring cleaning 2010 is penciled in for my 4th life down the road. Don't hold your breath, 4 ahead.

Gee, I missed Earth Hour. This was my night to blow-up the nukes in Iran. I wore my sunglasses, though.

Max Bialystock signed his health care reform bill.

I may have had an epiphany. Out of nowhere, I heard the words, "Courteney Cox in a new COUGAR TOWN."

Surprised. Watched my first episode of MODERN FAMILY. Why didn't anyone tell me Julie Bowen is in it? ... Why, you Julie Bowen hoarders...

I follow Oscar Levant's lead. Question: "What do you do for exercise?" Answer: "I stumble, and then I fall into a coma."

A gourmet Sunday brunch at our house. We ate French Toast. Morty had the French Deli-Cat and sleepover niece pup Clara had the Eggs Beneful.

90 degrees on my porch, the day after Easter. That means only one thing. Time to mothball the Santa hat....

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