Monster Mush

We're barricaded inside the house, worrying about The Loch Nest Monster on our property. I've given her surprise appearance much thought because she was seen very close to our 24-hour, 365-day, complimentary wildlife buffet table, operating alongside the driveway.

I have absolutely no idea what to serve a puddle behemoth, especially one of Scottish heritage. That cuisine is off my palate, frankly. I've never developed a taste for the plaid food.

Other concerns of Nessie necessities?

The extra vittles expense for such a large mouth is something we'd prefer not to undertake, along with the county ordinance requiring us to install an unsightly plesiosaur sneeze guard.