10 More Pickup Lines for the Elderly Swinger

The Old and the Beautiful

20. "I love your toothsome grin. That's some tooth!"

19. "Pass the salt and I'll bulge."

18. "Let's grab a picnic basket and go on a long stroll out Aisle 20 in Wal-Mart."

17. "I was the first Hip-Hopper. I'm no different than 50 Cent. But adjusting for inflation, you should call me 'Penny.'"

16. "On you, hip replacements are blingage."

15. "Poligrip. Wanna cracker?"

14. "I'd follow you anywhere, if my head could see over the steering wheel."

13. "Nice walker. Wanna take a spin around the neighbor?"

12. "All I know is I'm supposed to pick up some fish."

And the number 11 Pickup Line for the Elderly Swinger...

"Say, where can a gal get a blue job?"

Previously: Top 10 Pickup Lines for the Elderly Swinger
Next: Another 10 Pickup Lines for the Elderly Swinger

100 Things About Me

#23

DQ
for Two

I always take someone to treat to ice cream at the Dairy Queen.

Oh, sure, I'm generous. That's me.

But mostly, my guests are there to order me a MooLatté. I refuse to say it.

A MooLatté? Are they crazy? It's embarrassing. Heck, I've gotta be liquored up to ask for a Dilly Bar.

"It's a good thing I don't eat meat," I told my wife, "because you'd also have to order me Bra Burgers."

"That's 'Brazier,' not 'brassiere!'"

"Oh. Then, I won't be kneading two."

Oddly enough, I will say, "It's moo-licious!"

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Photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

100 Things About Me

#22

Back to the Scissors

My haircuts are a 5½ hour process.

There are the pre-shower and travel time. ... The shampoo and a little off the top. ... Then, the styling of my back pelt into the shape of Walt Disney's Pete's Dragon.

Of course, it's a small price to pay to be well-groomed. With warm weather beckoning, after a quick blow-dry and fluff, I'll be ever so debonair stretched out prone in our garden topiary next to the Helen Reddy shrub.

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Photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

100 Things About Me

#21

'Til Death Do I Part

I have unruly hair. One day, I'm fighting cowlicks. The next, antlers.

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Photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

How Nerdy Are You?

I own "The Jetsons"
and I'm mistaken for Comic Book Guy.

I woke up this morning wondering how nerdy I am. At the risk of adding negative nerd points, I went to my trusty, inseparable, and totally rad computer to find a personality quiz to quench my bottomless curiosity.

The questionnaire begins: "Have you been recently called a geek, a dork, a NERD?"

Yes, it's been an incessant drone since 1959. Accompanied by a goodly bunch of "Ma'am."

"Do you want to be a nerd, geek, or dork?"

Don't be ridiculous. I want to be young Jerry Lewis, Robby the Robot, and Ernie on "My 3 Sons."

"Well, this test is for you! This highly advanced 'test' will determine once and for all how nerdy you are."

Will there be Lucky Charms and fried Darth Taters? Can we wait 'til I watch "Battlestar Galactica" and finish my Screech scrapbook?

My Results:

"What does this mean? Your nerdiness is: Not nerdy, but definitely not hip."

Hey, what do they mean I'm not hip? I wear Spock ears, not Prince Charles ears.

Oh, sure, for a time, I wore one of each, but I was confused. I was only experimenting.

Top 10 Pickup Lines for the Elderly Swinger

Talk the talk. Walk the walker.

10. "Can I pick up your umbrella? Can I pick up your sandwich? Can I pick up your teeth?"

9. "Your ointment is so hot."

8. "You have a voice like Perry Como and a hair like Perry Combover."

7. "Can I show you a new wrinkle? How about an underaged crease?"

6. "I like a guy with body tics. Shake it, cowboy! Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' movin'!"

5. "You sag like a 50-year-old, Cutie."

4. "Let's bang a gong and get it on! Well, in your case, spoon some gruel and puff a Kool."

3. "You make me feel like feelin' something.

"I'll get back to you.

"Later.

"If I remember.

"And I feel like it."

2. "I couldn't help being enchanted. Your fox wrap doesn't munch its own tail."

And the number one Pickup Line for the Elderly Swinger...

"Hey, baby, buy you an I.V.?"

Next: 10 More Pickup Lines for the Elderly Swinger | Another 10 Pickup Lines for the Elderly Swinger

100 Things About Me

#20

I should sue for the insult!

I tire of new stuff quickly.

Case in point, here's a true story about my recently refurbished face.

Standing in line at the movie theatre, I turned to Donna before we proceeded to the cashier's window. I said, "Are you tired of the beard, yet?"

I am.

She, however, said, "No." Then, she walked over to the box office and ordered, "Two for 'Sideways.'"

The guy punched the ticket machine keyboard and demanded, "13 dollars."

Immediately, I looked at Donna and said, "I'm keeping the beard."

My whiskers are money in the bank. I knew 13 dollars was so 1997. Obviously, the cashier had seen my white beard and made a mistake, believing I qualified for the Senior Citizen's discount. We saved $4.50!

There was no conversation whatsoever about me being old enough. In fact, I'm years away from eligibility for their Senior perk. I'm still trying to decide what I wanna be when I grow up.

My feelings were hurt, but only about two dollars and nine cents worth. I was in profit and rolling hard this night. I be a playa!

We went inside and I slapped $4.50 of authentic American currency on the candy counter. Everyone was impressed. I could tell. Not many movie patrons can make the cash down payment on Twizzlers.

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Photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

100 Things About Me

#19

Bite
Flick

I have the Very Special Edition.

The box is empty.

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100 Things About Me

#18

Slumb and Slumber

I am an avid daydreamer.


"I dream of a kindly world where the children of all lands can prosper and frolic with glee."


"...A peaceful universe which brims with racial and theological tolerance, dooming bigotry and hate, fostering love and brotherhood and sisterhood among the generations of accord forever more."


"I hope I trimmed my nose hairs."

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Photos copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

100 Things About Me

#17

Animal Clicker

One of the perks of a residence in the country is observing and befriending critters. Each night, I venture outside to treat the neighborhood forest population to several pounds of snack feed, which it quickly munches to maintain membership in The Clean Plate Club.

Recently, Donna and I were pleased to be gifted with a special motion-sensitive camera, promising to capture action photographs of our sneaky visitors.

And the camera works great!

Snapped entirely by the machine's own detection device over a 12-day period, here's our first roll of wildlife....

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Photos copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

What Happy Bunny Are You?

Bug Bunny

I woke up this morning thinking of bunnies. I wrote about bunnies at my day job, too.

Oh, golly, if only I could be a bunny. That would be so swell. All day long, I wondered what kind of bunny I'd be, while munching carrot sticks and a head of lettuce. They sure were tasty. And I enjoyed being out in the sun, on the grass, under the bush.

Later, I hopped over to my computer where I found the What Happy Bunny Are You? quiz and I sniffed and fretted through all the personality questions, giving my cuddliest answers ever! I may have even wiggled my tiny nose and flopped an ear or two.

My Results:

Wow. Calm the f*** down. You are way too worried about crap. This is just a quiz you know. By the way, what is that smell??

That would be my bay leaf. I've been stewing. I'm a rabbit. We stew.

But I don't want to be a bunny anymore, you meany. Tomorrow, I'll look for a What Kind of Stinkbug Are You? quiz.

Happy?

And I'll pout about my low mileage thumper.

The Day the Earth Stood Will

As my friend, Randy, remarked: "Now the guys at the Fresh Prince Convention will have something to talk about!"

100 Things About Me

#16

Lo, how I yearn for Carl's Yams and Norine's Yams.
And dare I say it?
Spanky's Yams.

I'm awake nights wondering just who is this Bruce?

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Related: I Yam What I Yam

Photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

100 Things About Me

#15

It's payback time!

I have a picture of myself with Kathy Bates.

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Photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

100 Things About Me

#14

I choose to forgive.
I'm also cuter!

I have pictures of my wife with another man.

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Photo copyright ©2003-2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

100 Things About Me

#13

A Pal to the End

In a gesture of solidarity, whenever I accompany a friend to a colonoscopy, I bring along my bathroom reading.

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Related: Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner | Top 12 Joys During a Colonoscopy Examination | Wise-Ass Colonoscopy Remarks

Photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Which "Napoleon Dynamite" Character Are You?

I woke up this morning wondering which "Napoleon Dynamite" character I am. I like that movie. It's funny and inspiring and I'm the kind of guy who loves a pocket full of Tater Tots. Add a plastic wallet oozing ketchup and a coin purse bubbling mustard and nickels-- well, that's a Saturday night.

I went online and found a "Napoleon Dynamite" personality questionnaire. I answered the inquiries, including "What do you do in your spare time?" and "Where do you shop for clothes?" as accurately as possible.

My Results:

Lip gloss?

I would've been happy as a liger. Dang.

Something has gone horribly wrong here.

I'm Summer, the hot babe? That's so foreign to me.

I've never felt particularly popular and it's never occurred to me to have an idiot boyfriend.

The last boots I wore were for walking on Smyrna, Georgia.

My pet peeves are cat boxes and hairballs.




I'm at a loss as to what to say.




Speechless.




Hmmh.




Can one have a camisole full of Tots?

Mike photo copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.