Huh? What th'--? Who Am I? Marty McFly?

Have Gut — Will Travel or Go West, Young Mike or Darth Vader, My Ass
Chapter 2

IF IT'S TOMBSTONE, THIS MUST BE BEFUDDLING -- Here I am at the Tombstone Saloon. Somehow we took a wrong turn and went back in time 122 years. It all happened so fast, I missed Elvis on "The Steve Allen Show" again.

I knew we shouldn't have exceeded the speed limit, but when one drives 992 miles in a day, as we did, fracturing the time barrier apparently becomes reality.

All I recall is everything blurred into "Are we there, yet, and prithee a potty."

I can only be thankful I had the foresight to take that speedpeeing class.

It was an extension course.

It would have to be.

I qualified for a scholarship.

I didn't think I had it in me.

I was teacher's pet.

I would have to be.

I graduated with papers.

But that was then, in the distant future. Here I am in 1881 and a species-profiled tumbleweed is stalking me.

Next: Chapter 3 | Rewind to Chapter 1

Did You Know?
Mr. Durrett, a lifelong participant in urination and a self-described "buff," has recently revealed his secret identity and ongoing humanitarian efforts of lapland benevolence in a true confession, "Big Day for a Little Squirt."

Photo copyright ©2003-2004 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Have Gut — Will TravelorGo West, Young MikeorDarth Vader, My Ass

Monument Valley at sundown. Mike at speechless.

Chapter 1

HOME, GA -- For me, the whole trip would have been worth it for this photograph, yet we experienced bountiful more, hurtling through a magnific country, both contemporary and timeless, man-made and Master's peace.

Share a Durrett Family Treasury in this special vacation photo pack, commemorating 13 days and 4,638 miles by van (plus 25 miles of accomplished hiking, sailing, and beast o' burden butt bouncing).

It's another of Donna's and my little sightseeing excursions, surpassing our last such sojourn which totaled a mere 4,409 miles, but condensed to much less than our personal best of 6,100 miles, give or take a Stuckey's.

With our travels planned for several years and revised on the spur of a cactus, we returned to our most cherished destinations: Monument Valley, Arches and Grand Canyon National Parks, and a few new discoveries and legends along the path.

At last, after around-the-clock, around-the-sun sorcery at drugstore photo labs throughout the mainland States and suburban Reykjavik, our reams of snapshot prints have been returned for perusal amidst friends and trail mix.

Join us in the entries ahead, CONFIDENTIAL, of course, on our trek through the awe of the American southwest, the greatest earth on show.


Prologue: Several images from the journey previously appeared in these pages. They are, coincidentally, the first two snapshots in the sequence of events.

Photo #1: This Little Mikey Went to the Market -- Why does everything go on sale when we leave town? I dunno, but here's an early morning street scene six miles from home.

Photo #2: A heavenly roadside attraction of note, alongside the Texas highway: A Few Cross Words.

Next: Chapter 2

More Way Out West: Mike's Previous Trail Blaze
Part 1: On the Road
Part 2: On the Road to On the Road
Part 3: On the Road to Discount City
Part 4: On the Road: From Rush, ah, With Love
Part 5: On the Road: Get on With It!
Part 6: On the Road: Rear and Moaning in the Grand Canyon

Photos ©1998, 2003-2004 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Mikey, Always the Villain

I visited Liquid Generation to answer their questionnaire about my sinister side. First off, I'm the type of villain to point out they spelled it "VILLIAN" on the opening screen.

I answered a dozen or so personality inquiries. When it comes down to "What Movie Villain Are You?" I'm not Norman Bates or Hannibal Lecter, at least, or Shirley Temple.

The Results:

"WHICH MOVIE VILLAIN ARE YOU? You're just like that short, foul-mouthed midget from "Goodfellas," Tommy DeVito. Your temper is out of control, and you don't like it when people bust your balls. You're psychopathic and all you care about is money, which is fine because your penis is small. You might want to kill your parents for that one."

Alright. Enough about my penis.

I'm not very big.

But, they sure do luv my curb feelers.

Big Day for Optic Nerve

The All-Agog, Eye-Bulging Sequel to "Big Day for a Little Squirt"


I went to my eye doctor's office and left a Murine sample.

They hadn't asked for one.

Just another prevention act of blindness.

I looked super, too, in my costume. Men and women can't take their eyes off me. I must be bifocal.

I'm Bifocal-Man.

It's the latest thing, my costume, Spandex without the redness.

It comes with an X-ray vision mask, but I only use that if I can't remember if I changed my underwear.

I said, "Where would you like the Murine? Does it look better here? Or here? ... Over here? Or here? ... Here? ... Or here?"

There were plenty of tears all around. The bottle cap was leaky. So, I made my hasty exit.

I followed 20/20 hindsight back to the car.

The Bookmobile.

Donna was impressed. She's perfect as my sidekick, Cataractwoman.

"Oops! Forgot something," I said, making a swift U-turn. --Well, I think it was a U-turn. Though, it might've been a C-turn, or an L. When I squint, it looked like a U-turn. I'll say U.

I raced through the parking lot with my head out the window, mouth open for tongue tan. I not only like to see good, I like to look good.

In a blink, I was inside the optometry center, questioning Doc.

"May I use your restroom?"

"Number one? Or number two? ... One? ... Or two? ... One? ... Two?"

Bottom Line: P E Z O L C F T D

Big Day for a Little Squirt

I went to my doctor's office and left a urine sample.

They hadn't asked for one.

Just another random act of kindness.

I looked super, too, in my Bladder-Man costume.

It's the latest thing, Spandex with Ziploc technology.

It comes with a swim mask and snorkel, but I only use that after movie theatre colas.

No one wanted to shake hands, so I made my hasty exit.

I followed the dribble back to the car.

The Pumpmobile.

I raced through the nearest carwash with my head out the window, mouth open to reload.

Donna was impressed. She's perfect as my junior sidekick, Whiz Kid.

Love is a mini splattered thong.

::::: Don't Miss the Next Exciting Adventure: "Big Day for Optic Nerve"

Inbox Reflux

Sorting through my emails, I see fans from all over are dispensing important correspondence.

June 16, 2004: A Bob Walker of Wichita, Kansas, writes:

"Hey, Mike. Today on 'Bob and Tom' ... Sports news: The Detroit Pistons won the NBA Championship game. ... No violence reported after the game, but one fan tipped Aretha Franklin over.

"And, yesterday, they mentioned Ray Charles dying. ... 'His whole life flashed before his ears. He never saw it coming.' BAADDD, but I loved it. I saw Ray perform about five times.

"OH YES ... Did you have a nice night? ... 'Never fight with a woman who has more tattoos than you.'"

June 17, 2004: A Bob Walker of Wichita, Kansas, writes:

"I loved the original 'Around the World in 80 Days.' ... Saw a review of this Jackie Chan thing. It looks bad. I once had a soundtrack album of the Jules Verne version. I'm patiently waiting to see 'Around Rosie O'Donnell in 80 Days.'"

June 26, 2004: A Bob Walker of Wichita, Kansas, writes:

"Is that drive-in theatre thing over? I miss those hazy crazy days of summer with [name withheld] at the drive-in. ... I would call before and get passes. (What a bum! Passes for a two dollar movie.) Later, in the week, my boss would ask why footprints were on my rear seat car windows. Oh, that's [name withheld], and the whole office would go out in the parking lot to look.

"One comedian said, 'You know you've had too much to drink when you wake up at the drive-in movie to a flea market."

Yes, Bob, drive-in theatres are still among us. In fact, we went Saturday night to see "Spider-Man 2" and "White Chicks," because we are sophisticates, as you know. And there's usually a sale on funnel cakes during the second feature.

Here's a remembrance I wrote of one visit to a dying drive-in, Atlanta's North 85, "Shining the Light on Dinosaurs."

Happy Birthday, America, Darling!

You positively must listen to that clip, darling. We saw the darlingest film, darling!

Oh, how divine, darling! I simply do believe this is the remake!

Taste Test: Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs

At our house, if there's one thing we've enjoyed during the past decade, it's "The Lion King." We saw the instant animated classic several times during the original release. Later, we purchased a copy of the movie, only to return again to the cinema to be bathed in the large screen IMAX presentation.

We even paid top dollar to see the overblown Broadway stage version. I distinctly recall speaking to my wife during the first act, "You know, there's a perfectly good movie of this." Well, what else can I say? Those Disney suits are legendary. They will market anything.

And that brings us to an all-new potential necessity in life, Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs, as the package screams, "Naturally Sweetened Cereal with Bug-shaped Marshmallows."

What boy wouldn't love to eat Mud & Bugs? Especially when the box is endorsed by "The Lion King's" "Timon, everyone's favorite motor-mouthed meerkat, and his warm-hearted warthog pal, Pumbaa, [who] search the African forest for the yummy bugs, grubs, and beetles that tickle their taste buds!"

If those two zany jokesters endorse a breakfast, I'm in. Look at 'em smile. This stuff must be seasoned in chuckles and ever so hilarious to savor!

To get started, I read the instructions printed on the side panel. Once again, school paid off....

"Dig in, Kids! Pour cold milk over a bowl of Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs cereal and stir up a cool mud hole that tastes a lot like chocolate milk! Then, have fun spoonin' up colorful marshmallow bugs floating around crunchy, rock-shaped cereal chunks."

Golly! I am convinced Mud & Bugs' "crunchy, munchy, squeezy, slimy, creepy, crawly critters," plus moo goo, will create the most giggle-filled wake-up feast ever!

I love to laugh -- and that's a big mouthful from a guy who also loves to live! Let's do it.

The Taste Test:

The Verdict: It don't taste funny.