Chit-chatting the security guards at the courthouse is neighborly wholesome fellowship. And they like it. They're hanging out in a lobby all day, all life for goodness sakes."Sir, put your personal belongings into the tray" never ceases to be the greeting remark upon my stepping up to the border checkpoint, like on Wednesday.
"Is that Juarez on that side?" I asked the cop.
"No, sir, that's Beverly from the Tag Office."
"Which way is Mexico? I need some fun in Acapulco."
"Sir, empty your pockets, please."
I handed over my keys and change, looking hither, commenting rapidly, "Where are the passion fruit chunk sangrias with the festive teeniny umbrellas? Could I get a high stool with a back cushion in the shape of a heart? Near the window? Away from the spycams?"
Silence.
I flashed my wallet.
"You don't mind I have shots of underage Cabbage Patch Kids frolicking in Vinaigrette, do you? I can get you tadpole Polaroids for your pretend squad car with the golf club holders and fringe on top--"
"Sir, put that envelope in the tray."
I'd brought it along to share with the gent x-raying my stuff. Inside were my x-rays -- chest and bicuspids.
I leaned over to whisper to him. "I'll need a prescription for salves and Extra Strength Dentyne. Can you fax the pharmacy or should I meet you behind the Blimpies? Grease spot near your Gremlin, sixish?"
"Sir, I need you to push the tray into the machine."
"Certainly, but from you I'm gonna need a baggage claim slip."
"Sir--"
"Can we get a bellhop over here? How 'bout some more chips?"
"Sir--"
"Oh, don't forget this," I added, rolling my big ball of lint onto the conveyor belt. "Keep it. I'm giving it up for Lent."
"Sir, walk this way."
"It's the American way. Don't be too free with your hands. I'm ticklish. The password is "swordfish." Thank you for your service. Can you check the oil and tires and bring my car around front? There may be a shiny quarter in it for you. Is it okay to feed the heroin mules? What about rides around the holding pen? Would there be a marijuana pony? I'm going to have to ask to see your green card...."
