Up the Creek Without a Jack Bauer

Continued From: "Up the Creek Without a SWAT Team"

Here are more actual emails concerning the impromptu black bear and his walk-on appearance around our yard in the dark of night.

I first saw the bear outside the kitchen and executed a perfect triple take. It took three looks to fit him all in.

The black bear

Sally, the neighbor, had seen the midnight marauder earlier. I sent her another email update at 1:11 a.m.

I might die before dawn, but, hey, unlimited DSL!

The bear is huge. We could be on "Dancing With the Stars." I would have to let him lead.

He's kinda hunkered down in your photograph and looks much smaller than he is.

Time to revive my favorite pastime of peeing on the house.


Or I should say, Whizz.


That's right. I pee on the house. It's not for a Boy Scout merit badge. (Those are taking me a tad longer than I anticipated, by the way.)

And it's not for artistic expression (although I do have a deft hand).

We've learned that Mikey urine is a bear deterrent.

2:00 a.m. -- I typed another email to Sally. It would give her something to read to pass the time during my funeral.

Sally wrote:

>>I see you over there peeping out! Oh my, that was so exciting. I just hope we don't displace many bears by all this building, but I know we are.<<

Well, "Peep-eye!" to you, too.

Sally, I love you, BUT ARE YOU NUTS?!

I don't wish the creatures ill, not at all, but I'd prefer it if bears weren't foraging in the neighborhood of MY FACE!!!

My doctor says I may show an allergic reaction to the ripping, gnashing, and tearing of my jugular vein, not to mention an 800-pound bear pouncing on me like some sugar-fiend kid on bubble wrap.

Oh, and fur sweat gives me a hive.

Yes, indeed, the nearby construction might run off bears. Where's my hammer and Bob the Builder belt? I'm over there at sunup, bending nails, and showing the guys my vintage collection of "Parts Pups." Build, boys, build!

That's why God created Motel 6. The bears can go there and leave hairs in the sink, swallow the pool. Whatever.


P.S. Too bad it's not Halloween. I'd have my bear trap costume out of mothballs.

I didn't hear from Sally again until the next night. The bear never writes.

9:58 p.m. We are lying in wait for the bear. Jim has let the sunflowers stay on the porch and has added some molasses for additional lure. I'm using my bear call. Our cameras have fresh film.

Neighbor Mike, if you see it, write us. Are you back on your constant vigil?

Sally, Official Bear Watcher

10:17 p.m.

Yes, I'm still on my bear vigil, except for the three hours when I hid in the dryer and closed the door for a nap.

I kinda liked it. I haven't been fluffed in months.

So, you're spreading molasses and I'm over here spreading man urine. Naturally, I hope yours is sweeter.


Next: "Up the Creek Without a Piddle"

Bear photo ©2007 Sally Smelcer
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...