Again, I'm on the right. I recognize the shirt.
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur
Recently, I wrote about the "Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers" Web site, recommending its collection of photographs. Seems many gentlemen do indeed resemble the superstar crooner, including myself, if I were to wear a beard. Since I shave, I explained, "the problem is now I am one of those Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur."
Well, I received a surprising amount of email, including this one:
Okay, I will, but let me preface my gallery of photographs with several comments.
The pictorial evidence will be posted in small doses, presented piecemeal over the week by request of cardiac honchos and Anxiety Ward candy stripers. Public frenzy is, of course, their paramount concern. The phrase "code orange" was whispered. Someone else worried about Turtles Who Look Like Cher.
I have no regrets. If I'm destined to look like a celebrity, Bea Arthur is a fine honor. There are worse things than being lovely.
By the way, I'm on the right.
Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur Photo Gallery: Next
Well, I received a surprising amount of email, including this one:
"Prove it, Chins."
Okay, I will, but let me preface my gallery of photographs with several comments.
1. I don't mean to startle anyone. Natural phenomenons do occur. Audible gasping is to be expected.
2. I adore Bea Arthur. She is a lovely woman and, for my money, one of our greatest comic actresses. Ms. Arthur walks hands in hands with Jack Benny and Jackie Gleason as the funniest, most reliable "reaction" comedians of all time.
3. Chins?
The pictorial evidence will be posted in small doses, presented piecemeal over the week by request of cardiac honchos and Anxiety Ward candy stripers. Public frenzy is, of course, their paramount concern. The phrase "code orange" was whispered. Someone else worried about Turtles Who Look Like Cher.
I have no regrets. If I'm destined to look like a celebrity, Bea Arthur is a fine honor. There are worse things than being lovely.
By the way, I'm on the right.
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
The Better to Deer You With
One surprise in the trusty Christmas stocking was a thoughtful Deer Warning kit. It's "airflow activated," much like this Webmaster.
Consisting of whistles mounted on the car bumper, "at speeds greater than 30 mph, air being forced through the Deer Warning creates two unique sounds that alert animals to the oncoming vehicle," and they scamper away.
An excellent idea and an adaptable concept. For instance, everyone who doesn't want to bump into me should tote a boombox with Eric Clapton's "I Shot the Sheriff" blasting. I get within 30 miles of that, I detour a speedy retreat into the woods.
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
O Come All Ye Godiva Chocolatiers
Christmas was two weeks ago today. It'll soon be time to take down the tree.
We're in no hurry. Besides, I haven't finished carving the 2003 jack-o-lantern. And once I put my Mayflower Pilgrim's hat in mothballs until next November, there will be plenty of time for packing the Christmas decorations. (I look stunning in this topper, by the way.)
All in due process. There's Halloween candy left, too. We may have over purchased the bite-size Butterfingers and Milky Ways, considering we did not have one child knock on our door October 31. We've never had a costumed visitor at this house, actually. We buy the candy to be prepared in case some tykes waddle through the critter-infested woods to our abode.
Meanwhile, I don't like waste, so I'm eating the candy as a frugal, moral, and spiritual imperative. Ever health conscious, I alternate each pound bag of caramels with a Skim Milk Dud.
I do it ... for the children.
Add in the huge amount of chocolate goodies bulging our fireplace stockings and surrounding the nativity, I've been busy. It's a full-time job to eat the candy canes, Zagnuts, Paydays, Gummi Bears, Goobers, truffles, homemade fudge, sugar cookies, fruitcake, and Pez overflowing my In box.
The Necco Wafers Santa brought Donna remain untouched. They don't seem to be a priority item. I braved munching a Zero bar before them.
Never fear, the Neccos will not be trashed. Tuesday is Cards Night. It's my job to bring the Poker chips.
Progress is being made with our candy surplus. My scales tell me I gained a whopping 14 pounds during the past month.
Yipe.
Recently, in connection with this Web site, I've been using the phrase "Mike Durrett at Large." Now you know why.
We're in no hurry. Besides, I haven't finished carving the 2003 jack-o-lantern. And once I put my Mayflower Pilgrim's hat in mothballs until next November, there will be plenty of time for packing the Christmas decorations. (I look stunning in this topper, by the way.)
All in due process. There's Halloween candy left, too. We may have over purchased the bite-size Butterfingers and Milky Ways, considering we did not have one child knock on our door October 31. We've never had a costumed visitor at this house, actually. We buy the candy to be prepared in case some tykes waddle through the critter-infested woods to our abode.
Meanwhile, I don't like waste, so I'm eating the candy as a frugal, moral, and spiritual imperative. Ever health conscious, I alternate each pound bag of caramels with a Skim Milk Dud.
I do it ... for the children.
Add in the huge amount of chocolate goodies bulging our fireplace stockings and surrounding the nativity, I've been busy. It's a full-time job to eat the candy canes, Zagnuts, Paydays, Gummi Bears, Goobers, truffles, homemade fudge, sugar cookies, fruitcake, and Pez overflowing my In box.
The Necco Wafers Santa brought Donna remain untouched. They don't seem to be a priority item. I braved munching a Zero bar before them.
Never fear, the Neccos will not be trashed. Tuesday is Cards Night. It's my job to bring the Poker chips.
Progress is being made with our candy surplus. My scales tell me I gained a whopping 14 pounds during the past month.
Yipe.
Recently, in connection with this Web site, I've been using the phrase "Mike Durrett at Large." Now you know why.
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
We Have a Winner!
From the transcript of an actual conversation, as The Durretts and their cats' darling digestive systems start another elegant day:
7:23 a.m. --
Mike: Someone threw up on my sink.
7:23:12 - 7:56 a.m. --
Silence.
7:57 a.m. --
Donna: I hope I sealed the storage containers on the porch. There's rainwater on them.
Mike: Un uh, I topped that.
Again. Someone ... threw up ... on ... my ... sink.
7:23 a.m. --
Mike: Someone threw up on my sink.
7:23:12 - 7:56 a.m. --
Silence.
7:57 a.m. --
Donna: I hope I sealed the storage containers on the porch. There's rainwater on them.
Mike: Un uh, I topped that.
Again. Someone ... threw up ... on ... my ... sink.
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Taste Test: Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers
In my professional duties as a Guide at About.com, I'm always looking for marvelous new sources of Humor to share with our readers. I don't just sit at the keyboard punching out those words (which as many as one of) the people of the world love (marked down from two by the unfortunate acquisition of a kindergarten education).
No, no, no, I go out in the field and do actual research. (Although for this taste test, I went out on the back porch. It was nearly dark. I figured you'd never know I wasn't in a field.)
Imagine my infinite rapture to discover comedy canine genius Scooby-Doo has been toasting treats in the Keebler kitchen, apparently from the prized Cartoon Network cookbook.
In the photograph below, I'm smiling in anticipation of Monsieur Doo's special recipe Baked Cheddar Crackers, "made with real cheese," much like this Web site.
I was so happy, in fact, I struck my patented Scooby pose for the paparazzi.
And you wise guys out there, I'll have you know my patented Scooby pose is not the same as my patented Truman Capote pose. Do you see a floppy felted hat?
Savoring the sure-fire hilarity to come, I ripped open the package and sorted through the crackers, all finely chiseled into the likenesses of Scoob and his A-list comedy pals. For taste test purposes, I selected the orange severed skull of screen legend Shaggy.
Hmmm. Yum. Palatable sapidity. Thank goodness, it doesn't taste like chicken.
And I'm hoping that's not Casey Kasem.
The Verdict: It don't taste funny.
::::: Taste Test: Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies
No, no, no, I go out in the field and do actual research. (Although for this taste test, I went out on the back porch. It was nearly dark. I figured you'd never know I wasn't in a field.)
Imagine my infinite rapture to discover comedy canine genius Scooby-Doo has been toasting treats in the Keebler kitchen, apparently from the prized Cartoon Network cookbook.
In the photograph below, I'm smiling in anticipation of Monsieur Doo's special recipe Baked Cheddar Crackers, "made with real cheese," much like this Web site.
I was so happy, in fact, I struck my patented Scooby pose for the paparazzi.
And you wise guys out there, I'll have you know my patented Scooby pose is not the same as my patented Truman Capote pose. Do you see a floppy felted hat?
Savoring the sure-fire hilarity to come, I ripped open the package and sorted through the crackers, all finely chiseled into the likenesses of Scoob and his A-list comedy pals. For taste test purposes, I selected the orange severed skull of screen legend Shaggy.
Hmmm. Yum. Palatable sapidity. Thank goodness, it doesn't taste like chicken.
And I'm hoping that's not Casey Kasem.
The Verdict: It don't taste funny.
::::: Taste Test: Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Happy Go Clucky
Looking out the kitchen window, I noticed the turkey family strolling up our driveway. They had been noticeably absent during the Christmas season, sidestepping feastathons in the neighborhood.
I understand they are on vacation until the next official turkey scare, January 27, when the Oscar nominations are announced.
::::: Previous Wildlife Visit: Another Turkey Thursday
I understand they are on vacation until the next official turkey scare, January 27, when the Oscar nominations are announced.
::::: Previous Wildlife Visit: Another Turkey Thursday
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
I'd Like to Exchange 2004, Please
A Se of the Internet writes: "Can you believe it, Mike?? You have missed it !!!!!! ... Saw this and had to send it. I did not get tickets, unfortunately. *sigh*"
Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. My new year is already blemished.
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Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. My new year is already blemished.
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