Urine the Know

Continued From: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Mike's Yard Bear?

Relief Is Just a Swallow Away
Dawn came and the black bear was gone. My nerves were frazzled, but a face-to-incredibly-large-face confrontation had not occurred, which is always a good night.

That bear's head was so big, my head would have fit comfortably inside it, suggesting we should buy cushier furniture or, at least, some accent pillows.

Not knowing if the bear remained in the vicinity was at the top of my thoughts. I devised a plan. As a Boy Scout, I had learned to "be prepared," so I placed my porridge in the safe and locked it all up!

Neighbor Joanie telephoned a little before ten. I recited the details of the black bear intimidation, prompting her to share an anecdote which enlightened me and would change my life.

One winter, while visiting friends in the snowy wilderness out west, her hosts' six-year-old son announced he needed to relieve himself. His mother instructed the lad to go outside and mark the territory around their home.

It seems that bears do not like the scent of human urine, specifically male urine. Bears are repelled by the odor.

I am, too. But, hey, what am I to do? I handle the business.

Female human urine, by the way, has no effect on bears.

Sorry, ladies, we know you've been struggling to reach equality. Eat more asparagus. Try that.

"So, Joanie," I said, "you're telling me to pee on my house?"

"Yes, around the house. It might keep the bear away."

"Jehovah's Witnesses?"

"Nothing keeps them away."

"Maybe #2, then."

"I don't think so."

"Number three?"

Well, many, many months have passed and there's excellent news to report. No bears have attempted to enter our cabin and I am communing more with nature. I sneak around the dwelling and winkie while I walk.

This bear deterrent has added purpose to my existence, giving me an extra sense of manliness, as I sprinkle security -- and annihilate weeds without a gas-powered wacker.

It's also given me something I've always desired, yet never thought I could achieve. In the tradition of White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor, Curious by Britney Spears, and Love at First Glow by J.Lo, I have my own signature fragrance.

Skim Milk and Diet Pepsi by Mike Durrett.

Life Is Sweet
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