Top 10 Hallucinations During My Flu-Induced Stupor

Ugh, I've been ill for a week. Last month's flu shot worked ... just ... great.

I'm back to normal except my hacking cough is opening for Rage Against the Machine.

Top 10 Hallucinations During My Flu-Induced Stupor

10. Mommy went by school and got my homework.

9. Pussycats make nice tea party guests.

8. Saddam found in a hole.

7. Sore throat would rather hold grudge than kiss and make up.

6. Pounding in my head won Best New Artist at Hip Hop Awards.

5. Favorite "Star Wars" character: Chewypepto-bismol.

4. Nausea is Nature's Alarm Clock. And, come to think of it, Nature's Hamilton Beach Smoothies & More 12 Speed Blender with Stir Stick.

3. Cold chills are Nature's way of saying, "Freeze, you miserable bastard! Die, you worthless son of a bitch! You're the coolest, Fonzie!"

2. Aunt Bee and Clara were stoned soul picnics.

And the number one hallucination during my flu-induced stupor ...

Being encased in phlegm is not so bad, once I figured how to sew the buttons on it.