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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter: 

I'm considering Nutrisystem, but I worry when I start to look like Marie Osmond, guys will buy me dinners and I'll just get fat again.

In my tub this morning, Dial 3-D. Yes, 3-D Dial Soap. What? Huh? I read the fine print. "3-D Odor Defense: Dirt. Decay. Durrett." What? Huh?

I'm Olympic athlete Mark Spitz. No, wait. I'm Golden Girl Rue McClanahan. Nope. I'm Swee'Pea. Nay.. I hate it when I lose my driver license.

Today on DOBIE GILLIS: Dobie and Dad join Maynard in drag. Nothing says beauty like a chick with a goatee.

My box of Popsicles was grossly disfigured during a long power failure, yet they're still juicy. I just graped Flipper on a stick.

We're having a cool spell. I'm cramming vocabulary with Zack and Screech.

Item: 18-month-old Cambodian boy feeds himself by suckling milk from a cow. Toddle to Iceland, kid, moos give soft serve.

GHOSTBUSTERS (1984) to get theatrical re-release. Who I gonna call? ... Nobody.

Watched the UP ALL NIGHT pilot. I do not want to have a baby with those people. Adios. Hello Match.com...

RIP Tom Wilson, Sr., 80, creator of comic strip hero ZIGGY. In lieu of flowers, I am wearing no pants.

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