Scratchy Pot Pie Speakers

I told a friend I'd help him enter that phrase into the lexicon.

My work is done.

We were discussing old radios. The phrase also reminded me it was time to clean the heads on my 8-Track. I found Stovetop Stuffing and a beak.

My fault, though. I hit "EJECT" and the Carpenters tape barfed it up.

Pork and Beats

A Bob Walker of Wichita, Kansas writes: "JIMMY DEAN'S ALIVE!''

Well, thank you for the update. I've been out of tickertape.

I did read a news report about the singer recently. The folks that own the Jimmy Dean Sausage company fired him as their spokesperson. It tore his heart out.

Would you like a bite of my all-new Jimmy Dean Aorta?

Mmmmm, simmering in its own Cardiac Infarction Gravy.

A Few Cross Words

I've been daydreaming, recalling the big highway expedition we made out west last May. I fully plan to share those snapshots with you, but the photo labs and sub-contracted beavers are still gnawing down trees to accommodate our prints. We took a forest full of pictures. Here's one.

We covered a lot of blacktop those first two days, more than 1300 miles, zipping through Georgia, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, and New Mexico. We didn't see much except stormy weather and highway Welcome Centers and Rest Stops. (I go to those for the thrill rides.)

The first eye-popping vision of the trip was alongside I-40, east of Amarillo, advertised as "The Biggest Cross in the Western Hemisphere." The metal structure rises 19 stories high, spanning a width of 110 feet.

I'm buying the adjacent lot. One night, I'll sneak over to the cross and hang a gigantic sweater on it.

Maybe a V-neck with a 15-yard spinning bowtie.

And, I dunno, we'd like to see something in a peek-a-boo floral skort.

But most likely, close by, I'm going to build my own giant cross an inch taller just to see how long it takes folks to call me "Satan."

I will settle for them to call me "The Biggest Prick in the Western Hemisphere." There is a certain allure.

Out to Hunch

I've not been feeling my sparkliest. I could lay under this Pepto-Bismol on draft spigot forever, alternating gulps with the mentholated lozenges and -- I beg of you -- a thorough buff with a tepid shammy.

It all started when I dropped in for lunch at TGI Ebola's.

Mistake.

Thank God It's Ebola's is a bad restaurant. The Maitre'd is a retired plate spinner from "The Ed Sullivan Show."

The carrot sticks are very old french fries.

The bacon bits are pig dandruff.

The iced tea is so weak, the tea bag has its own wheelchair.

I tried the salad bar. The Health Department rejected their sneeze shield as inadequate, but, I must agree, the new puke guard has really improved the garbonzos.

It's a bad restaurant, although the cook is health conscious. My baked potato was wearing a hair net.

I wasn't happy about it either. I had ordered the Chives and Dreadlocks. Hold the sour cream. Double Conditioner.

My summation?

A bad restaurant.

I never eat mayonnaise with sprinkles.

Besides, I get cross-eyed picking out the yellow ones.

They only serve the Blackened Sardines when the chef runs out of Winstons.

Golly!

Concerning the other blog I write for About.com, the RSS feed of which appears in the column to your left under "In a Parallel Mike":

Hi Mike: Just a note to say that your blog is today's Feedster Feed of the Day. (''Feed of the Day'' is a service we do for Feedster users, pointing them toward a new or timely or under-appreciated or just plain unexpected RSS feed.)

Your RSS feed, with the content it links to, makes a welcome break in anybody's news surfing. You collect a lot of the best and funniest links available, while keeping your own mini-intros funny and fresh.

Hoping many click through to enjoy your sense of humor and your many resources,

Betsy Devine

Date: April 14, 2004

Feed: "About Humor"
( http://z.about.com/6/g/humor/b/index.xml for
http://humor.about.com/ )

Citation: My favorite of the many RSS feeds from About.com -- funny person Mike Durrett savors what's new and funny out there and gives you the links to get there.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I mention it here because I am a proud man and I know some people it will irritate exponentially. So cool, huh? It's a beautiful day!

It Comes in Threes

I've entered a bit of a quiet period. This week has been very emotional for me.

First, Good Friday.

Now, it's Easter.

And Tuesday, the season finale of "Crank Yankers."

Show Me the Bunny

I don't like to air my religious beliefs in public, but one of life's biggest mysteries has been bothering me for decades and no one ever comments. There's a black hole of information. I've often suspected a dire cover-up, probably emanating from the Vatican.

I find nothing in bibles, "Dead Sea Scrolls," or "Consumer Reports."

Here it is, Good Friday, and where, oh, where is the Easter Bunny?

You never see him until three days pass. He wasn't at The Last Supper -- at least, in the group photo I've examined. I don't see any reportage of him at the Crucifixion. There's nary a frame of the hopster in "Passion of the Christ" (and Dom DeLuise was available).

Shouldn't we have seen Bunny before Easter? I mean, he's obviously within the Christianity administrative circles. His absence is all very curious, very curious, indeed.

And we need the eggs.

Perhaps, I'm too critical. To be honest, here's a full disclosure. I'm not exactly enthralled with religion at the moment. I received another Mikemas church sign photograph taken on my birthday....

Amnesty Extended: Gifts Are Still Welcome

Because modesty accentuates my dimples, I refrained from making a big deal out of my birthday celebration, March 20. Nevertheless, I knew you might like to see this recent street scene sent in from the multitudes of rabid well-wishers.

This Little Mikey Went to the Market

At first glance, I thought Five Hundred Dollars was a tad expensive, but when I consider they probably threw in a leash and the neuterings, that's really a good price.

Naked Pity

A Danny Gallagher of Puttering Somewhere in Texas, Texas, asks:

What would be a good name for a plus-sized strip club?

Ahh. Let me see. ... I'm told there's a gay nitery in Atlanta called Swinging Richards, but Plus-Sized Strip Club Names, hmmm ... Weight Watchers is already taken....

--Okay, here you go:

1) Rotunda's
2) The Chubb Grope
3) Screw the MuuMuu
4) Grand Canyon Tours
5) Nudie Barf

Thanks for writing. I'm here at The Help Desk -- now, with a dance pole!