Scenes From a Mikey Overheard and Observed at Christmastime

The statute of limitations has expired. At last, I can tell my tale. I waited the customary 10 days after Christmas to go public, in case Barbara Walters wanted to put me on television and make me cry.

Christmas Eve

As I do every year, I spent the day giving back to the community. I stood outside Piercing Pagoda, where I heralded, "Hole! Hole! Hole! Merry Christmas! Hole! Hole! Hole! Merry Christmas!"

Actually, that was Plan B, after they ran me off from Bathroom Fixtures in Home Depot.


Donna: Good morning! Merry Christmas!

Mike: Yeah.

Donna: What's wrong?

Mike: I'm not in the spirit. I ain't with the party.

Donna: You tossed all night.

Mike: Yeah. No sugar plums danced -- and that song played over and over in my head.

Donna: Huh?

Mike: "I'm Dreaming of White Ed Asner Back Hair."

Christmas Afternoon

Mike: Look, a $50 gift card from Cot Shack.

Unfortunately, you have to do Kwanzaa to get the matching card from Pillow Crib.

Day After Christmas

Door slam.

Donna: What's wrong?

Mike: No parking.

Donna: What?

Mike: I couldn't find a space.

Donna: At the mall?

Mike: No, here.

Donna: We have three acres in the country. What do you mean there's no parking?

Mike: The squirrels are having a mixer.

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