It always means so much when a trash can makes the effort to commend me.
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Big Weekend
Big weekend of kudo.
It always means so much when a trash can makes the effort to commend me.
It always means so much when a trash can makes the effort to commend me.
Filed in
Big Weekend,
Honors,
Photos
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Top 10 Signs the Movie You're Watching Will Not Win an Oscar
10. "Our Feature Presentation" title has big finger pointing at the exit.9. Five dollar surcharge for No-D glasses.
8. Air traffic controllers shut down projector beam.
7. Hair balls under six admitted free.
6. Don Cheadle passes by your seat, offers lift home, now, man!
5. Two thumbs up your nose trying to pull yourself out of the auditorium.
4. Turned down by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Starring Rosie "The Rock" O'Donnell.
3. Avatars are blue, but look and sound like Clumsy Smurf, Tuffy Smurf, Dreamy Smurf, Smurfette, and Gasping Tom Bosley.
2. Unmarked vans halt beneath screen, smuggle viewers to Cinema 12.
And the Top One Sign the Movie You're Watching Will Not Win an Oscar:
Fellow audience Muppets remove their eyes, put them into the box with the ping-pong paddles.
Thanks, topic suggested by Bob Middleton.
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
I Got Nuthin'
Consolation Video: "Я очень рад, ведь я, наконец, возвращаюсь домой" via YouTube
Thanks to Frank Thompson, who says, "Okay, I don't understand Russian, so I'm not really sure what this song is all about."
Frank, I'm not exactly sure, but the corn is as high as a Gorbachev's eye.
I found him inspiring. I'm off to buy a Robert Hall suit....
Filed in
I Got Nuthin',
Music,
Videos
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Off the Wall
Saving Facebook: My Confessions: Tofurky Kielbasa. I just wanted to be the first today to mention Tofurky Kielbasa.
...I just like typing Tofurky Kielbasa, which is also my maiden name.
Oh no!! Our Blu-ray player is all kaput and junk. I call it the Death-ray.
...I have a new Blu-ray. ... This one does it all, plays movies and spreads hummus on pita...
That's right. Donna picked it out.
So, days ago, during Facebook Doppelganger Week, I changed my profile photo and nobody noticed! Just goes to prove what I've long been saying. I am one of the "Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur." See the gallery of stunning photo evidence...
Friend Comment
I noticed. Thought you'd got your hair done.
Mike
I can't speak for Bea, but I am naturally fluffy.
Friend Comment
I don't care what anybody tells you... you are at least two times cuter than Bea...
Mike
Plus, I have to bring it all together without a scarf.
Friend Comment
Those scarves were to hide neck wrinkles. Nice trick.
Mike
See. That's the way you can differentiate me from Bea Arthur. I embrace my neck wrinkles. Well, I did until the constable asked me to stop.
Friend Comment
Mikey, ask anybody -- your wattle has always been one of your most appealing features.
Mike
Modesty keeps me from agreeing with you completely and making your car payments, but thanks for noticing.
Friend Comment
Trust me... you give good wattle...
Mike
Thank you so much. I only wish it didn't rattle.
Friend Comment
It's less a rattle than a musical flutter, much like a fleshy wind chime.
Mike
Add my trademark nose whistle and there's a harp glissando in the air.
Now, in your honor, we'd like to play the Sigmund Romberg-Frank Mandel-Laurence Schwab-Oscar Hammerstein II toe-rouser from the Broadway hit, "New Moon," "Stout-Wattled Men" ... with special lyrics by Sammy Cahn....
Filed in
Correspondence
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Big Weekend
Big weekend, busting spooks!
We found ourselves held captive inside the Plaza Theatre, Atlanta, during the Silver Scream Spookshow. Oh, sure, we could have walked out any of the convenient exit doors, but at the peril of ridicule and scorn from the other attendees?
I don't think so.
Plus, it was kinda chilly.
Donna and I were already on treacherous ice with the audience. We realized we were the only people in the building without tattoos. It's not that I have anything against tats. My body is a temple for beet juice stains. I need blank skin for my copious collection of beet juice stains, attractive, gnarly.
Hey, spillage lovers, I'm expanding, adding weight to increase my surface area to beet the demand!
Coming soon. Check your local listings and more beets, please.
I produced a Sharpie and scribbled "WICKED" on my wife's forehead. The quick thinking and faux 'ttoo reduced our chances of being kidnapped, roughed up, and/or hooted, while remaining highly fashionable among this crowd, many of them eight.
And it would, maybe, generate some product placement money for our coffers, I informed our coughers, seated next to me, handing them plenty of liquids.
Then, I drew a griffin and a bloody scythe on Donna's lovely cheek. That's what I told her anyway. I was mostly doodling spirals, making certain the pen wasn't dry of ink.
During the live portion of the festivities, a number of scares were inflicted upon the gathered patrons, chiefly by the miraculous birth of the tiny The Glob, evolved from a sneeze. Before our eyes, The Glob grew out of a puddle of Plaza phlegm into a vast orb of The Glob goo, which advanced over the head of each of us petrified viewers dotting the darkened auditorium.
The Glob was last seen slurping along Ponce de Leon Ave. in pursuit of a decongestant and a tissue.
After dabbing Donna with my clean, gentlemanly hanky, I finger-flicked several gelatinous The Glob residues onto some kid in the fourth row, as the feature film attraction hit the screen.
"It Conquered the World" Trailer via YouTube
"It Conquered the World" (1956) is an exceptionally tense motion picture that I do believe to be a suppressed documentary of major import, instructing us of a deadly menace come to Earth to annihilate the fabulous babes of the 1950s, all prim and proper and prepared to face their dooms -- "Just a second, Itsy!" -- with perfect coiffures and cosmetic diligence. The Venusian monster surely appreciated the array of fine sassy party dresses and tight sweaters. Welcome to our planet and to our women.
I took the entire outrage in stride, resisting handsomely the dangers of fainting from fright.
Nevertheless, I was comforted by the presence of the registered nurses on duty.
We found ourselves held captive inside the Plaza Theatre, Atlanta, during the Silver Scream Spookshow. Oh, sure, we could have walked out any of the convenient exit doors, but at the peril of ridicule and scorn from the other attendees?
I don't think so.
Plus, it was kinda chilly.
Donna and I were already on treacherous ice with the audience. We realized we were the only people in the building without tattoos. It's not that I have anything against tats. My body is a temple for beet juice stains. I need blank skin for my copious collection of beet juice stains, attractive, gnarly.
Hey, spillage lovers, I'm expanding, adding weight to increase my surface area to beet the demand!
Coming soon. Check your local listings and more beets, please.
I produced a Sharpie and scribbled "WICKED" on my wife's forehead. The quick thinking and faux 'ttoo reduced our chances of being kidnapped, roughed up, and/or hooted, while remaining highly fashionable among this crowd, many of them eight.
Then, I drew a griffin and a bloody scythe on Donna's lovely cheek. That's what I told her anyway. I was mostly doodling spirals, making certain the pen wasn't dry of ink.
During the live portion of the festivities, a number of scares were inflicted upon the gathered patrons, chiefly by the miraculous birth of the tiny The Glob, evolved from a sneeze. Before our eyes, The Glob grew out of a puddle of Plaza phlegm into a vast orb of The Glob goo, which advanced over the head of each of us petrified viewers dotting the darkened auditorium.
The Glob was last seen slurping along Ponce de Leon Ave. in pursuit of a decongestant and a tissue.
After dabbing Donna with my clean, gentlemanly hanky, I finger-flicked several gelatinous The Glob residues onto some kid in the fourth row, as the feature film attraction hit the screen.
"It Conquered the World" Trailer via YouTube
"It Conquered the World" (1956) is an exceptionally tense motion picture that I do believe to be a suppressed documentary of major import, instructing us of a deadly menace come to Earth to annihilate the fabulous babes of the 1950s, all prim and proper and prepared to face their dooms -- "Just a second, Itsy!" -- with perfect coiffures and cosmetic diligence. The Venusian monster surely appreciated the array of fine sassy party dresses and tight sweaters. Welcome to our planet and to our women.
I took the entire outrage in stride, resisting handsomely the dangers of fainting from fright.
Nevertheless, I was comforted by the presence of the registered nurses on duty.
Filed in
Advertising,
Big Weekend,
Fears,
Movies,
Stage,
Theatres,
Videos
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Mikellaneous
My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less
This is not good. My BANANA SPLITS DVDs have brown spots on them.
Sitting around, waiting to chomp somebody on the leg. I mistook Kibbles 'n Bits for Fruity Pebbles. ... Embarrassing. We don't have a dog.
Most of you know me as The Six Million Dollar Man, which is a bit odd because I'm mostly donuts and honey buns and five rolls of nickels.
The Golden Globes, The Oscars, and awards shows in general: Much a nothing about doo-doo.
Hearing test time.. I'm listening to a commercial on clogged drains & thinking, "Claude Rains? What does Claude Rains have to do with this?"
As a proud Boy Scout, I have never wavered. Our motto: "Be prepared." I am. The Girl Scout cookies will be here momentarily.
Watching: THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE. It should get really good if he travels back to Rooster Cogburn and The Mandrell Sisters.
ShootForTheHead.com is a new site about zombies, looking for writers. ... Why not? I put in years writing FOR zombies...
Another disturbing sign I am losing it. Awake for seven hours today before I remembered the house is full of Girl Scout cookies.
I may have just invented the egg salad with cheese sandwich. I am heady with brilliance -- and some old mayonnaise.
Twitter Birds by SpoonGraphics
Filed in
Mikellaneous
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
Cartoon Carnival
"Magical Maestro" (1952) via YouTube
"Droopy's Double Trouble" (1951) via YouTube
"One Cab's Family" (1952) via YouTube
Filed in
Cartoons,
Celebrities,
Videos
Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL
I Got Nuthin'
Consolation Video: "Shorewood Lip Dub" via YouTube
"Shorewood Lip Dub: How It Was Filmed" via YouTube
Thanks to Frank Thompson
Filed in
I Got Nuthin',
Music,
Videos
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