I Got Nuthin'

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It Was Putty Filled the Leak

_{Technical advisor: Caulk-talking Donna Durrett}

Way Way Way Way Way Out West

Morty shares my love of westerns. What we enjoy most about them are the rugged vistas, the animals, and the sense of adventure.

Plus, jail cells, we like the jail scenes. There's often food.

Morty is especially fascinated by the horses. They are strange to him, much like robots are to me, since I have never met a robot, although I did briefly date a pastry squirter squirter.

Likewise, Morty has never seen an actual horse in the flesh. (He eats seafood, not dog food.)

For today's movie, Morty has uncovered a contemporary western. He says "Katt och Häst" has got it all: a horse and romance -- and, not that he needs to impress you, it's a foreign film.


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Incomings

A Bob Walker of a Hutchinson, Kansas writes:

"I put nose drops in my ear. Now I can hear my cologne."

That happened to me, except I put ear drops in my nostril. I smelled mites and a pair of old muffs.

The sounds of silence gave whiffs oscillating from narrow streets of cobblestone to the cold and damp.


An Astroray of an Atlanta, Georgia writes:

"I've got one word for all of you, shoplift.

"Thank you and goodnight!"

Thank you for the advice. There is something to be said for-- HEY, WHERE'S MY WALLET?

Darn e-thefts. Enjoy the photo of Bob Cummings.


A Frank of a Burbank writes on the passing of author Studs Terkel:

"I'm sad that I've now missed my chance to talk with him about 'Studs' Place,' his TV show from the early 50s. As far as I know, besides 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie,' it was the only completely improvised show on TV."

I never saw "Studs' Place." Our crummy TV only got "Gelding's Place." It was pretty scary. I remember the talking horse, Mr. Edna. Mom said he was nuts.


_{Photo credit: LetterJames.com}

Hot Dog Sign

I try my best to slide through life, doing as I'm told. I guess I can be too literal.

1. I bought a ticket and watched the mutt movie.

2. Back outside--

Let's just say I'm blogging this from jail....

Election Buzz

Hey, what was the big deal with everyone early voting? In the long days leading up to the election, I heard numerous horror stories of folks standing in lines for hours in order to avoid crowds on Nov. 4, the official vote date.

I entered my polling place on election evening at 6:17, 43 minutes before the close. There were two people in line in front of me. One was my wife. The other was the guy I raced from the parking lot. I almost beat him, too, but, in fairness to me, his walker was sneakers-propelled.

Donna and I were exemplary citizens, casting our ballots and departing City Hall somewhat lickety-split. We could have exited sooner. I, of course, had dawdled awhile to field the poll workers' nice comments about my photo ID.

"Why, yes, that is my natural aura. And, no, I, nice young man that I am, am not available for debutante escorting."

I bid them all "a debonair adieu" with the bonus flourish of a toothy "cheese!"

We zoomed straight to Starbucks, which promised to reward all patriotic voters with a complimentary cup of java.

"Are you still doing the voter coffees?" I asked the barista, while pointing to my de rigueur "I'm a Georgia voter" lapel sticker.

"Yes, we are!" she replied, cheerily.

"Great!" I trumped her, enthusiastically, and at least three-quarters of an inch taller.

(Or in Starbucks-speak: I'm a Venti.)

"You know, my stunningly adorable lady of refinement," I added with a pleasing grin and my best "you betcha" wink, "we did vote three times each."

It didn't work.

Postscript

From "The Christian Science Monitor," Nov. 4, 2008 -- and thank you, Jesus:

Well, not so fast. Seems there are legal restrictions afoot.

Take the State of Georgia where the motto is "Wisdom, Justice and Moderation."

Requiring someone to say they voted in order to receive a free coffee - that’s a felony....

No word if an individual would get the electric chair upon conviction. But thankfully Starbucks and Krispy Kreme have modified the promotion so you aren’t required to break the law in order to get free stuff.

"To ensure we are in compliance with election law, we are extending our offer to all customers who request a tall brewed coffee," said Starbucks’ spokeswoman Tara Darrow.

Krispy Kreme? What? Huh? I missed FREE DONUTS?!!

Drat. What's ACORN's phone number?...

And then I woke up.

It was all a dream!

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I fed my cat the last of my yogurt. And I had some Jell-o. And then I couldn't remember if I changed spoons. Gotta go scratch the couch...

Our small town's Party Shop closed, we feared, but it's relocated up the street. Phew, what a relief. We still have our source for wax lips.

It was IRON MAN night at our house, my wife's idea, yay! So she plugged in the iron and had me press the wrinkles out of all of her clothes.

It pains me to say this, but watching IRON MAN made my dental work hurt.

New ABOUT WEB HUMOR: 10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Giant Beard http://tinyurl.com/5lk9fn

People are asking me to put my fur where my mouth is and grow a giant beard. Hold on, I have! I've got one now! Unfortunately, it's ingrown.

Ringo Starr is refusing to sign autographs ever. I'm not signing autographs either, but mostly because no one gives me checks to endorse.

Headline: "Man shoots himself in arm after being denied sex." "When Masturbation Goes Bad" on the next "Springer."

I tell ya, masturbation doesn't always work, but don't take it out on yourself.

Something Wicked This Way Bums

It was fun to attend "Wicked" in Atlanta during the Halloween season, but the most wicked things we saw were the t-shirts in the lobby for thirty-five dollars.