Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I've got to quit peering into the mirror. I'm not only fat, I'm outside the lines.

I viewed & translated Italy's TOO BAD SHE'S BAD (1954). I speak the universal language. It's called 20-Year-Old Sophia Loren in a Swimsuit.

I had a thought, observing kids at a restaurant. ... What a wonderful thing to be seven again and have all my pizzas in front of me.

I've become aware The Stupid Institute is following me on Twitter. I'm both humbled and paranoid I'm a research project.

I'm looking for a new sleep apnea breathing machine with a back-up battery. It needs to snore for me, too.

I'm boycotting the Olympics until they recognize my event: Freestyle Speed Sloth.

Mess o' Stress

Continued From: "Ball of Shame"


My stress ball popped.

Either:

a. I don't know my own massively incredible strength.

b. I am really stressed.

c. Shadow puppet bunnies are voracious nibblers.

About My Face

Re: "Ain't That a Kick in the Headshot"

I'm still gawping at this, my two-year-old About.com mug shot. Oooo, so sunny and charming!

The truth is I was standing in some tiny, cluttered hotel room in Atlanta with my hands in my pockets, foraging for nuts.

It took at least five people to make this photograph: the camera guy, the corporate wrangler, wardrobe, hair, makeup.

Yeah, makeup. To get color in my face, I was pelted with pout blusher. Unboxed.

I balked at makeup, but being a team player, I relented. Besides, there were snacks with every smock.

The Chocolush, Nougat Swirl, and Toffee Drizzle tasted dreadful.

So, that picture...

What's with the tilt of my neck? I look like a bobblehead doll.

Or one of those trick drinking birds dribbling Fuzzy Navels.

*sigh*

Later. I'm thirsty....

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders

02/21/05

My compliments on the array of underwear displayed on the jail cell.

01/05/05

Da shizzle my pizzle you wizzle abra kadizzle, dogg! I hope Paris has some of those little soaps.

02/19/05

No, I'm not one of The Moody Blues. I'm growing the beard for my cabaret act, "A Tribute to Nancy Kulp."

Separated at Birth: Buddy Hackett and...

Gary Spivey

Separated at Birth: Pamela Anderson and...

Jerry Mahoney

Ball of Shame

"Do not place in microwave oven. Do not freeze."

In other words, do not stress.

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I can tell the cat wants to go outside AND he wants to play baseball. He's meowing like Vin Scully.

Will Smith's I AM LEGEND is getting a prequel, I TO BE LEGEND.

I've learned the secret of fasting. When the doctor says no food after midnight, I eat an 8-course meal at 11:55.

Headline: "Angry man shoots lawn mower for not starting." There's no figuring some people. I shoot my lawn mower for starting.

I watched VITUS (2006) about a 12-year-old wunderkind pianist, pilot, and stockbroker. ... *sigh* ... I can, I can make a ball out of yarn.

I'm on a never-ending quest to find the perfect boomerang. Today, I'll be testing a cheesecake on a stick. Guess I'll be made to go outside.

The cheesecake-on-a-stick boomerang was a dismal failure. My fault. I wasn't thinking. It needs to be a stick on a cheesecake. Of course.

Hmmf. ... Moving on to custard-pie-on-a-stick boomerang...