Herbie and Her

The Walt Disney Company has been reworking its old successes with persistent regularity. In fact, young actress Lindsay Lohan owes the core of her popularity to "The Parent Trap" (1998), wherein she replaced Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills, plus "Freaky Friday" (2003), subbing for Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris. Currently in theatres, "Herbie: Fully Loaded," a retread of "The Love Bug" (1968), has Lindsay channeling Dean Jones.

The latest Herbie film may be the end of Disney's Lohan era, as press reports of her becoming a public relations nightmare have been plastered in the media. Not quite 19, Lindsay's unflattering bleached blonde hair and increasingly haggard appearance are cause to wonder if she's making poor life choices and/or prepping to star in "The Brett Butler Story."

I hate to see talent spin out of control, but she's at a career crossroads. L. Lo only has to look at her parts to see how replaceable she is.

"Herbie: Fully Loaded" returns the magical Volkswagen Beetle to his heroic luminance and slapstick racing hijinks, alongside Michael Keaton and Matt Dillon, who must be resurrecting Buddy Hackett and David Tomlinson, or, maybe, they're Michele Lee and Joe Flynn. Does it matter?

Nope. We go to see Herbie, nutty #53 -- and, as always, he's playing himself.

The Herbie Filmography:

"The Love Bug" (1968)

"Herbie Rides Again" (1974)

"Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo" (1977)

"Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980)

"The Love Bug Goes Condoms" (1983)

"Herbie Gets His Grease Gun" (1986)

"Beetle Juice: Herbie Gets Gassed" (1991)

"Batmobile and Herbie" (1995)

"Herbie Brockovich" (2000)

"The Lord of the Bearing Rings: The Fellowship of the Rods and Pistons" (2001)

"Herbie Pitstopper and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (2003)

"Alien VW Predator" (2004)

"Herbie: Fully Lohan" (2005)

"Queer Eye for the Straight Shift" (2006)

"The Da Vinci Code II: The Louvre Bug" (2007)

I, Despot

From an Associated Press report, concerning prisoner Saddam Hussein:

...Details of the deposed Iraqi leader's life in U.S. military custody appear in the July issue of GQ magazine, based on interviews with five Pennsylvania National Guard members who went to Iraq in 2003 and were assigned to Saddam's guard detail...

The article said Saddam preferred Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast, telling [guard] O'Shea, "No Froot Loops." ... For a time, his favorite snack was Cheetos, and when that ran out, Saddam would "get grumpy," the story said.

I am bewildered to receive this information. I don't know what to make of the details. Here's why:

1. My favorite snack food: Cheetos.

2. My preferred breakfast cereal: Raisin Bran Crunch.

3. I've shunned Froot Loops by name since 1963.

Disturbing information, very disturbing indeed. I must go seek comfort with my kitties, Uday and Qusay....

Once Upon a Sign in the South

In May, at a drive-in screening of Sergio Leone's epic "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" (1966), we were treated to the trailer for one of his follow-up spaghetti westerns, "Duck, You Sucker."

Throughout the coming attractions preview, the announcer plugged the virtues of the Rod Steiger and James Coburn adventure, repeating the film's title, "Duck, You Sucker," numerous times. When the advertisement concluded, the onscreen title card contained no mention of "Duck, You Sucker." Instead, "A Fistful of Dynamite," an alternate name used to market the film in the United States, was projected. The studio had spared no expense to match the audio to the visual.

There would be another alternate title.

In 1972, the picture opened in Atlanta. It was indeed called "Duck, You Sucker" and it played at the Lenox Square Theatre in the city's prestigious and busiest shopping mall. The Lenox was a twin cinema in those days with a signage style identical to this 1974 photograph of the giant marquee, which hung low over the sidewalk.

Between 1980 and 1985, I was a staff projectionist in this theatre. The anecdote I'm about to share is true. I recall hearing the tale while working on the premises and, recently, from two unimpeachable sources who were employed in the venue in '72.

During the western's run, the Lenox marquee's bold display read "DUCK YOU SUCKER" on one side -- and the other: "FIDDLER ON THE ROOF."

Well, that is, until a vandal swapped the first letter of each title.


"A Fistful of Dynamite" photo copyright 2005 Mike Durrett. Lenox Square Theatre photo copyright 1974, 2000 Stan Malone.

'Teenagers From Outer Space'

One of my favorite drive-in theatre moments last year was seeing the coming attractions trailer for "Teenagers From Outer Space," a 1959 epic that, believe it or not, had somehow escaped me.

Here's a screen shot taken at the Starlight in Atlanta, GA during the Drive-Invasion event, Labor Day weekend. Either my auto focus wasn't engaged or I was getting interference from the Planet Oxy 10.

Those darn thrill-crazed space kids with their tight pants and wild antennae, blasting the flesh off humans!

As fate would have it, this prevue was shown on Screen #3, which is currently playing another outer space yarn named "Star Wars III" or something. It has somehow escaped me.

I have been lined up to not see "Star Wars" since 1983.

Presented by Warner Bros. ("Casablanca," "My Fair Lady"), "Teenagers From Outer Space" is directed by Tom Graeff and stars David Love, Dawn Anderson, Harvey B. Dunn, Bryant Grant, and Tom Lockyear (Tom Graeff).

I believe this is the same crew who appeared the following year in the documentary "Teenagers From One Hour Martinizing Earning Money to Go to College After All."

Leonard Maltin says of the flying saucer and cup of punks flick: it's a "BOMB."

*gasp*

Maltin adds: The film is a "ridiculous sci-fi about alien youths who bring monster to Earth, shown as the shadow of a lobster! Very, very cheap; but still a camp classic. Besides directing and starring, Graeff wrote, produced, photographed, and edited!"

No word on how they kill the monster. Probably with the shadows of Hollandaise sauce, lemon squeezin's, and Florentine crepes.

Durrett Housewives

I started watching "Desperate Housewives" in March. I figured it's the least I could do since I've been imaginary dating Teri Hatcher.

Yes, I'm married, but it's okay. Everything's okay. My bride is imaginary dating the show's plumber / killer, who also happens to be named Mike and living with Teri's character. It's the circle of wife.

I enjoy "Desperate Housewives" for the humor (and Susan's nightshirt and Gabrielle's amazing jeans).

I get a kick, too, seeing the Universal Studios backlot where they film the episodes. Even with a major structural change and a bushy tree for a disguise in the front yard, you can still recognize the Munsters' house on the street now called Wisteria Lane.

I'm relieved the 50-something Eddie Munster hasn't stalked "Housewives" guest star Bob Newhart with his bubbling beakers of werewolf hair pomade. But there's always next season.

The murders in that neighborhood are puzzling and no one can solve the mysteries. I wonder why they don't simply walk through the neighborhood, only a few doors down, to ask Jessica Fletcher for some help and, perhaps, gumbo.

The Cleavers live on that road, too. Isn't Eddie Haskell a cop these days? He could get right to the heart of the murders -- and push Theodore (Jerry Mathers as "The Beaver") into some pudgy hijinks at the same time.

Unfortunately, we don't seem to have any "Desperate Housewives" in the rural area I inhabit. The closest facsimile I've found is one of the elderly babes greeting customers at the W**-M***.

The bad news is her varicose veins are not pretty.

The good news is she won the Runny Tattoo Contest at the fairgrounds.

She calls her left leg "Spaghetti Sauce on Ed Asner."

Her right leg is entitled: "Sid, You Made the Pants Too Short and Sneezed."

You've heard of "The Field of Dreams?" Her tailbone veins are known as "The Feeled of Drains." She'll let ya, if you plug her sitz bath.

Art lovers come from miles around just to add bubbles.

And maybe a 50-pound bag of Sakrete, police said.

I ... Am ... Getting ... Hungry ... Very Hungry...

Countdown Lowdown

News item (Yahoo):

NEW YORK, May 3 /PRNewswire/ -- Loews Cineplex today announced that it will begin publicizing the start times of feature presentations. Beginning with the Company's locations in Connecticut on May 13, Loews movie listings will note that the feature presentation will start 10 to 15 minutes after the published showtime.

My friend, Mark, comments:

Now they should publicize the showtimes of:

a) the start of the rolling digital [sound system] ads,
b) the beginning of the trailers,
c) when the movie actually begins, and...
d) when the guy will stick his head in the auditorium and yell into the stadium, "Lucretia! You in here?" (I hate Lucretians!)

Hollywood or Dust

Circulating via email, photographs of a sandstorm at the Al Asad Air Base, Iraq:



Hey, it's been done.

And "Hidalgo" had horsies.