'Teenagers From Outer Space'

One of my favorite drive-in theatre moments last year was seeing the coming attractions trailer for "Teenagers From Outer Space," a 1959 epic that, believe it or not, had somehow escaped me.

Here's a screen shot taken at the Starlight in Atlanta, GA during the Drive-Invasion event, Labor Day weekend. Either my auto focus wasn't engaged or I was getting interference from the Planet Oxy 10.

Those darn thrill-crazed space kids with their tight pants and wild antennae, blasting the flesh off humans!

As fate would have it, this prevue was shown on Screen #3, which is currently playing another outer space yarn named "Star Wars III" or something. It has somehow escaped me.

I have been lined up to not see "Star Wars" since 1983.

Presented by Warner Bros. ("Casablanca," "My Fair Lady"), "Teenagers From Outer Space" is directed by Tom Graeff and stars David Love, Dawn Anderson, Harvey B. Dunn, Bryant Grant, and Tom Lockyear (Tom Graeff).

I believe this is the same crew who appeared the following year in the documentary "Teenagers From One Hour Martinizing Earning Money to Go to College After All."

Leonard Maltin says of the flying saucer and cup of punks flick: it's a "BOMB."

*gasp*

Maltin adds: The film is a "ridiculous sci-fi about alien youths who bring monster to Earth, shown as the shadow of a lobster! Very, very cheap; but still a camp classic. Besides directing and starring, Graeff wrote, produced, photographed, and edited!"

No word on how they kill the monster. Probably with the shadows of Hollandaise sauce, lemon squeezin's, and Florentine crepes.

Durrett Housewives

I started watching "Desperate Housewives" in March. I figured it's the least I could do since I've been imaginary dating Teri Hatcher.

Yes, I'm married, but it's okay. Everything's okay. My bride is imaginary dating the show's plumber / killer, who also happens to be named Mike and living with Teri's character. It's the circle of wife.

I enjoy "Desperate Housewives" for the humor (and Susan's nightshirt and Gabrielle's amazing jeans).

I get a kick, too, seeing the Universal Studios backlot where they film the episodes. Even with a major structural change and a bushy tree for a disguise in the front yard, you can still recognize the Munsters' house on the street now called Wisteria Lane.

I'm relieved the 50-something Eddie Munster hasn't stalked "Housewives" guest star Bob Newhart with his bubbling beakers of werewolf hair pomade. But there's always next season.

The murders in that neighborhood are puzzling and no one can solve the mysteries. I wonder why they don't simply walk through the neighborhood, only a few doors down, to ask Jessica Fletcher for some help and, perhaps, gumbo.

The Cleavers live on that road, too. Isn't Eddie Haskell a cop these days? He could get right to the heart of the murders -- and push Theodore (Jerry Mathers as "The Beaver") into some pudgy hijinks at the same time.

Unfortunately, we don't seem to have any "Desperate Housewives" in the rural area I inhabit. The closest facsimile I've found is one of the elderly babes greeting customers at the W**-M***.

The bad news is her varicose veins are not pretty.

The good news is she won the Runny Tattoo Contest at the fairgrounds.

She calls her left leg "Spaghetti Sauce on Ed Asner."

Her right leg is entitled: "Sid, You Made the Pants Too Short and Sneezed."

You've heard of "The Field of Dreams?" Her tailbone veins are known as "The Feeled of Drains." She'll let ya, if you plug her sitz bath.

Art lovers come from miles around just to add bubbles.

And maybe a 50-pound bag of Sakrete, police said.

I ... Am ... Getting ... Hungry ... Very Hungry...

Countdown Lowdown

News item (Yahoo):

NEW YORK, May 3 /PRNewswire/ -- Loews Cineplex today announced that it will begin publicizing the start times of feature presentations. Beginning with the Company's locations in Connecticut on May 13, Loews movie listings will note that the feature presentation will start 10 to 15 minutes after the published showtime.

My friend, Mark, comments:

Now they should publicize the showtimes of:

a) the start of the rolling digital [sound system] ads,
b) the beginning of the trailers,
c) when the movie actually begins, and...
d) when the guy will stick his head in the auditorium and yell into the stadium, "Lucretia! You in here?" (I hate Lucretians!)

Hollywood or Dust

Circulating via email, photographs of a sandstorm at the Al Asad Air Base, Iraq:



Hey, it's been done.

And "Hidalgo" had horsies.