I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Knife-Throwing Mother" via YouTube

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Surfing Sheep" via YouTube

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Cows & Cows & Cows" via YouTube

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I'm so thrilled when folks phone me from their office & immediately put me on hold. I cannot get enough horribly distorted Bossa Nova music.

Poll: 11% of America has confidence in Congress. We are a tolerant people.

I got my invite to the high school reunion. I'm supposed to bring school spirit. Big yippy and that smell in the gym.

Watching: THE MIDDLE. I just realized, like the kid, I am "the forgotten third child." That explains a lot. ... Um, can I leave my room now?

Sitting here, remembering my first kiss, wondering if the statute of limitations has run out for Shemperella....

I don't get to hear them often, but I am about to hear those three little words I yearn: "More chips, please." Huevos rancheros, I love you.

We had lunch with the lady who cuts my hair. I'd never seen anyone shampoo a chalupa.

Got home from high school reunion at 5:30 a.m. They hid my clothes & dangled me from a shower head by my slide rule holster.

Eating Cheerios. Going to be a good day. Let's just say yesterday began with a big bowl of LoatheYouToYourRottenCoreios.

Press Release: "Contestants from AMERICA'S GOT TALENT" are coming to my town. ... Mikey's got $61.50 and keeping it.

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Big Weekend

Big weekend, attending my high school reunion.

I missed the first part. I had to sit in the corner an hour for Study Hall and read "Beowulf."

Then, they made me run laps.

I got home and my yard had been rolled.

But I kept my damn fish sticks!!

Chattanooga Ooh! Ooh!

THE ROAD, Tenn., Day 1 -- Fans of the classic Broadway show tune, "I've Gotta Be Me," immortalized by Steve Lawrence, Sammy Davis, Jr., and countless popular performers, will note the special lyrics warbled by me as our vacation mobile withdrew from the bubbly state of Georgia into bladder-bursting Chattanooga.

"I'll go it alone, that's how it must be

I can't be right for somebody else

If I'm not right for me

I gotta go pee, I just gotta go pee

Daring to try, to do it or die

I gotta go pee!!"

I've been bellowing that little ditty for decades, pretty much on the hour.

"Do you have to go?" asked Donna.

"What gave you that idea?" I countered.

"Your theme song was a hint, and your hands are bending the steering wheel at 10 and 2."

"Yeah, I should alter the act."

"The demonic beads of sweat on your brow spelling out 'DRAIN ME!' is new."

"Thanks for noticing. Yes, I have to pit stop!"

"Then, turn off at this exit."

"You mean, thataway?" I was incredulous.

"Yes."

"But, I thought the Grand Canyon was our first thataway."

"We won't be there for two days!"

"I guess I could hold it -- or, certainly, this car."

"Are you crazy?"

"It's a rental."

"Take the exit!" Donna ordered. I heard it.

"So, now you're telling me we're eight thataways to home."

"What?"

"Our itinerary, as you argued for the defense off blog via highlighted atlases, View-Master® slides, and notarized receipts in quadruplicate, is to visit seven thataways."

"Off blog?"

"Seven delightfully scenic destinations."

"The Shell station is not scenic."

"It is if you gotta pee! Beauty."

"Mike, go potty. Make your happy noises and don't send me a postcard."

"I'm watching you, missy, and tabulating, "Eight Thataways to Home."

To Be Continued

---

With apologies to Walter Marks and, of course, Slim.

Gentleman, Start Your Engine

RENTAL CAR, Home, Day 1 -- I turned the dashboard key, engaging the motor and our vacation.

Mike: Check list.

Donna: Check.

Mike: Cat.

Donna: Check.

Mike: Kitty Kondo?

Donna: Checked in.

Mike: Calm? Comfy? Chunky chews?

Donna: Check. Check. Choice.

Mike: House locked?

Donna: Check.

Mike: Lights out?

Donna: Check.

Mike: Luggage.

Donna: Check.

Mike: Maps.

Donna: Check.

Mike: Snacks.

Donna: Check.

Mike: Salt.

Donna: Sea?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Check.

Mike: Cash.

Donna: Check.

Mike: We need to go to the bank??

Donna: Why?

Mike: Check.

Donna: Check?

Mike: Check.

Donna: Cash. Check.

Mike: I can cash a check.

Donna: Check.

Mike: Which bank?

Donna: On First.

Mike: Woohoo! On First?

Donna: Check.

Mike: The other bank is on Third and I don't give a darn!

Donna: What?

Mike: I said, "I don't give a darn!"

Donna: Oh, that's our loan shark.

Mike: Well, okay, then, the two weeks are now up. I enjoyed it. Let's go back into the house--

Donna: Michael, drive the car.

Mike: Where?

Donna: Thataway.

Mike: Far away thataway?

Donna: Check.

Mike: Well, that will be just grand.

Donna: Check.

Mike: What are you talking about?

Donna: Grand Canyon. Thataway.

Mike: Oh, yeah, we were mentioning visiting one of those, weren't we? Are there Grand Canyons everywhere? Is it part of a chain, like Sink Holes R Us? Are there Tall, Venti, Grande Canyons?--

Donna: Go! I've planned everything.

Mike: Check.

Donna: You love me?

Mike: Check.

Donna: Why?

Mike: Chick.

Donna: Chump.

Mike: Check.

Donna: Kiss.

Mike: Cheek.

Donna: Mmm-whah!

Mike: Chemise?

Donna: Are you chewing gum?

Mike: Chicklet.

Donna: Chimp.

Mike: Check.

Donna: Check, mate.

To Be Continued

---

With apologies to Bud Abbott, Lou Costello and, of course, Slim.

A Ride in the Country

Preview: Big Weekend
Foreword: Pillow Talk

DODGE CHARGER, Outside the House, Day 1 -- Years of travel discussions, preparations, and reservations brought us to this singular Saturday morning. Departure was imminent. Over the next fortnight and a fourth, we would navigate 5000 sleep-deprived miles across America's pavements, puddles, and potholes to reach our final destination:

This very parking space!

"Am I missing something?" I asked, swiveling helter-skelter to peep through the vehicle windows for wisdom. "We're off on a massive car trip to ... here?"

"You," said my wife, buckling her seatbelts, "are too dramatic."

I don't know of what she speaks, but this is my story....

To Be Continued