Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Big Weekend

Friday
Me and the missus and the cummerbund attended the theater, "A Tuna Christmas."

Favorite quote: "I've seen better hair on anchovies."

Afterward, looked in window at Fantastic Swams.

Saturday
Survived wife-inflicted Outlet Mall. My only outlet necessitated an hour-long slog through Kirkland's. I manned sniveling babied up, faced debilitating boredom, puzzlingly pleased female mindset, and inhaled oppressive candle-scented oxygen to the point of phantasms.

Let out, mauled.

Sunday
Watched the first episode of National Geographic's "Great Migrations." So violent and disturbing, I great migrated myself off the couch and returned the DVDs to the store unwatched.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Holidays

Neighbor Sally
Hope Santa is good to you. Love the Christmas lights. Thanks for the Christmas spirit you exude.

Mike
I exude Christmas spirit? You mean the rash that looks like holly berries?

On Serious Sleeping

Flannel sheets are the greatest invention ever! I wasted half my life without them. Everyone kept a secret from Mikey. ... *snif*

On Cold Weather

Friend Bill Up North
Feet in the microwave to thaw out? Not recommended.

Mike
I like to feet in the soup pot so everyone else can enjoy it, too!

On Halloween Preparations

Mike
Bought the trick-or-treat candy today & finished it off within the hour. I am slowing in my old age. Back to the store tomorrow. Mmmm...

Brother Bob
There is a lesson somewhere in that. You either bought too early or...not enough.

Mike
The lesson, dear Bob, is I do it for the children.

Friend Frank Thompson
Well, I'm on Atkins so we're not buying Halloween candy. I'll be giving the kids giblets.

On Invasive Airport Security Searches

Mike
In the interest of fairness, since I don't fly, for the next 10 minutes only: Touch my junk!

Mike, later
Closed. No takers. You're no fun. My junk is junk....

Friend Cathy
Charlie doesn't let me touch nobody's junk....sorry.

I guess it's just a silly marital rule he has......

Mike
I guess. Sheesh...

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Meanwhile...



Morty's napping in the Christmas tree. Where else?

What follows could double for his surveillance video....


Simon's Cat in "Santa Claws" via YouTube

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Big Weekend


Friday

Quiet evening at home with no cat on fire.

Saturday

Pussy Inferno (See: Fire That Cat!)

Sunday

Deep freeze with no cat on fire.

Snowbound. Cabin fever. Hell. No naners.


Photo: Our place on the right. Thanks to Sally Smelcer.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Fire That Cat!

This afternoon, I held our youngest cat, Melvin, against my chest for a five-minute hug and massage, standing next to the window so he could look outside. This scenario is a ritual we do everyday. All was calm and I put him down and walked across the room, leaving the boy behind.

CandleImage via Wikipedia
I went to the kitchen counter to recharge the cellphone, an arm's length from a three-inch aromatic candle flickering on the stovetop. No sooner had I picked up the device, Melvin jumped from the floor onto the stove. I was distracted, so I didn't notice him at first, until something caught my eye and nose.

I swirled my head to the left to see Melvin's tail, to my huge horror, immersed in an orb of fire! His fluffy tail was directly over the candle flame, burning!

Casually, Melvin watched me drop the phone and the breakage.

I yelped, "MELVIN!!"

The shout startled him. He leaped to the floor and scurried away.

Vividly imagining our house torched to the ground by a frantic, roasting kitty, I was surprised to see the breeze around Melvy's speedy bottom blow out his blaze.

My wife and I raced to offer help and comfort. He seemed puzzled by the attention. He never cried. He never screamed. He just burned brightly.

Melvin was (formerly is) blessed with a glorious, bushy, slow-burning tail, which saved him. Quick attention to the tragedy at rear appendage kept the fire from reaching his flesh. Apparently, he never felt pain. It was only a fur wound.

We examined Melvin for damage and brushed away the scorched hair nubs from his smoking wagger.

"No more candles," said Donna.

We learned a life lesson. No more candles.

--With one exception. We had to light a bunch of candles to clear the air of the acrid Fireball Melvin stench.

Blech.

Melvin ambled out to the porch for Squirrel Watch.

Oh. And where's Morty?

Cat photos: Where's Morty?

Morty slept through the entire incident, 10 feet away.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Fred and Barney: Smokin'


"'The Flintstones' Cast for Winston Cigarettes (Record Player)" via YouTube

It is a bit surprising that I didn't become a smoker. When I was a kid, cigarette ads on television were as commonplace as westerns. I was maybe 10 around the time this commercial for Winston appeared. I shied away from tobacco, although "The Flintstones" was captivating and influential to me.

I never ate a brontosaurus burger either.

I did take a forceful shower under an elephant's trunk. I found the tepid nasal fluids cleansing to be lacking. Subsequently, I was forced to hire and bring in a hedgehog to sneeze on me.

Conditioner.


More: "Bedrock's Smoking" | "Back to Bedrock"

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner Redux: 'Wiley vs. Rhodes'

A screenshot from To Beep or Not to Beep.Image via Wikipedia
I'm a devotee of Chuck Jones' Road Runner cartoons of 1949-65, so this live-action fan homage / update is of special interest. Nice work.

As a young boy, I was also fascinated by the cartoons' sumptuous art direction, depicting the stories somewhere in the strangest American deserts. Through adult travels around the southwest, I've observed the terrain and concluded Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote reside somewhere in the Utah-Arizona zip codes. The new video was set in Moab, specifically, to my eye, at Arches National Park.

What a wow -- and the perfect location!

See why my wife and I have long considered relocating to Moab, since our first visit in 1995 and as recently as this past spring. At any moment, I may pick up the phone and have ACME ship us on out.




"Wiley Vs. Rhodes" from ApachePictures on Vimeo

via Cartoon Brew
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...