Million Dollar Baby

Questions for Mike

You have just won one million dollars--

Then, you suck and these questions bite. I'm outta here. I never liked you.












Oh.


It's pretend.




1. Who do you call first?

Pulmonary Paddles to Go.

Hold the fry.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?

I finally get that pony!

I like horses. We nicknamed our wheezy cat after a champion: Snortbiscuit.

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?

I build my mother that big house on the ocean. Pops gets a custom BMW. Since they're both dead, I guess it's hand-me-downs again to Mikey.

I'm so tired of that. For once, I wish they'd get me something new.

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?

Are you kidding? The government already gave it away for me.

The second person I call is the Sheriff of Nottingham.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?

I'll open a celebrity sperm bank. Think George Foreman George Foremans.

::::: More: Ask Humor Boy -- Instructive. Entertaining. Nothing Better to Do.

Duck Season! Goose Season! Duck Season!

We've had some beautiful wintry days around the scenic mikedurrett.compound and Vermin Inn, as you can see from these recent photographs I snapped in the front yard. That's our beloved creekside, complete with goose.


The goose is a fake and not a very good one because on his bottom it says "Duck Decoy." He should try harder.

In fairness, he does resemble Donald Duck a bit. I think it's the no pants."

I suspect the goose may be an undocumented decoy who came to our land to work because we couldn't find native ducks to fill the position.


In this opposite view of the water, we see a Wife Decoy.

It got me out of the house, didn't it?

I can read my Donna like a book. I know her decoy's a fake, but I didn't look to see if anything is written on its bottom because I don't like to read ahead to the end.

Deliver Evil From Me

I'll be away on errands the rest of the day. Do me a favor. If a Bob Walker of Wichita, Kansas, drops in, give him a message:

May Puffy the Nervous Bladder sprinkle you with cheer.

May community standards demand training bras on your forehead pimples.

May your barbecue sandwich oink.

May a sheepish game warden romance your mutton chops.

May the slippy slide refuse your conjugal visit.

Skewer Mail

A Bob Walker of Wichita, Kansas, dear soul that he is, sends in this fan email:

"May Bob the Builder spackle your sister.''

To which, I respond:

''May Atticus Finch tequila your mockingbird.''

To which, a Bob Walker of Wichita, Kansas, heinous scuzzmug that he is, sends in this reply:

''May a mad cow dip its udder in your soup.''

To which, I respond:

''May Boo Radley boo-boo on your gazebo.''

To which, Walker replies:

''May Saddam Hussein drop your sister into his spiderhole.''

Timely material there, Bob, mentioning my sister who happens to be a boy and he never met Saddam to which, I respond:

"May Dill and Scout take turns waddling in your ham suit.''

To which, Bob responds:

''May Honk the Wonder Goose leave a runny deposit on your comb-over.''

To which, I respond:

"May I run out of Harper Lee references.''

More Than OK Weekend

Friday
Bennifer. I was in mourning over the J. Lo / Affleck break-up. I'd like to send out props to my clergy. Bless you for the big ass casserole, Monsignor.

Saturday
Pizza Bar! All-You-Can-Eat, $3.95. ... Emergency Clinic! All-You-Can-Pump, $872.50. Behold the mushrooms. Extra cheese extra.

Sunday
The national tour of Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Oklahoma!" I love this show and the movie. Can't get too much Jud. I found it a good opportunity to splash on Parfum de Rod Steiger.

I pretty much had the balcony to myself.

Donna sat downstairs near a group of post-op transsexuals. They cut out after "I'm Just a Girl Who Cain't Say No."

Fave Raves

Questions for Mike

At this moment, ...

1. ...What is your favorite song?

"Don't Rain on My Parade" by Linda Eder. She makes Streisand sound like a blown muffler.

Whoobangin, slammin' Brolin be off the heezy for that breezy for sheezy.

2. ...What is your favorite food?

Mexican. I like it hot, but not to the point of crying. Don't rain on my poblanos.

3. ...What is your favorite TV show?

"Family Guy." Stewie, the erudite mad bomber baby, is a role model. I can't wait to get back into diapers. I've pre-ordered Pull-Ups Training Pants with Jeff Goldblum on the fly.

You realize I did not write these questions?

4. ...What is your favorite scent?

Yardley Cucumber Soap. I smell fresh. The downside is I get forked at salad bars and the missus eats croutons in bed.

5. ...What is your favorite quote?

"Eenie meanie chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak. Are they friendly spirits? Friendly?! Just listen." --Rocky and Bullwinkle

::::: More: Ask Humor Boy -- Instructive. Entertaining. Nothing Better to Do.

Angry Red Planets Who Look Like Ground Beef Pizza

That's better.


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Angry Red Planets Who Look Like Bea Arthur

I want no part of this one. That would be silly.

Mars is on the right.


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Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur 10

And I'm not the only one who looks like Bea Arthur. There are lots of us. Take my clones, Connie and Lester...



Of course, Lester is the most spot on, but I might be modest.

Family consensus is with the body language, Connie resembles Rosanna Arquette.

That's me on the end.


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Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur 9

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Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur 5

As usual, I'm on the right.

I think.


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Again, I'm on the right. I recognize the shirt.


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Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur

Recently, I wrote about the "Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers" Web site, recommending its collection of photographs. Seems many gentlemen do indeed resemble the superstar crooner, including myself, if I were to wear a beard. Since I shave, I explained, "the problem is now I am one of those Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur."

Well, I received a surprising amount of email, including this one:

"Prove it, Chins."

Okay, I will, but let me preface my gallery of photographs with several comments.

1. I don't mean to startle anyone. Natural phenomenons do occur. Audible gasping is to be expected.

2. I adore Bea Arthur. She is a lovely woman and, for my money, one of our greatest comic actresses. Ms. Arthur walks hands in hands with Jack Benny and Jackie Gleason as the funniest, most reliable "reaction" comedians of all time.

3. Chins?

The pictorial evidence will be posted in small doses, presented piecemeal over the week by request of cardiac honchos and Anxiety Ward candy stripers. Public frenzy is, of course, their paramount concern. The phrase "code orange" was whispered. Someone else worried about Turtles Who Look Like Cher.

I have no regrets. If I'm destined to look like a celebrity, Bea Arthur is a fine honor. There are worse things than being lovely.


By the way, I'm on the right.


Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur Photo Gallery: Next

The Better to Deer You With

One surprise in the trusty Christmas stocking was a thoughtful Deer Warning kit. It's "airflow activated," much like this Webmaster.

Consisting of whistles mounted on the car bumper, "at speeds greater than 30 mph, air being forced through the Deer Warning creates two unique sounds that alert animals to the oncoming vehicle," and they scamper away.

An excellent idea and an adaptable concept. For instance, everyone who doesn't want to bump into me should tote a boombox with Eric Clapton's "I Shot the Sheriff" blasting. I get within 30 miles of that, I detour a speedy retreat into the woods.

O Come All Ye Godiva Chocolatiers

Christmas was two weeks ago today. It'll soon be time to take down the tree.

We're in no hurry. Besides, I haven't finished carving the 2003 jack-o-lantern. And once I put my Mayflower Pilgrim's hat in mothballs until next November, there will be plenty of time for packing the Christmas decorations. (I look stunning in this topper, by the way.)

All in due process. There's Halloween candy left, too. We may have over purchased the bite-size Butterfingers and Milky Ways, considering we did not have one child knock on our door October 31. We've never had a costumed visitor at this house, actually. We buy the candy to be prepared in case some tykes waddle through the critter-infested woods to our abode.

Meanwhile, I don't like waste, so I'm eating the candy as a frugal, moral, and spiritual imperative. Ever health conscious, I alternate each pound bag of caramels with a Skim Milk Dud.

I do it ... for the children.

Add in the huge amount of chocolate goodies bulging our fireplace stockings and surrounding the nativity, I've been busy. It's a full-time job to eat the candy canes, Zagnuts, Paydays, Gummi Bears, Goobers, truffles, homemade fudge, sugar cookies, fruitcake, and Pez overflowing my In box.

The Necco Wafers Santa brought Donna remain untouched. They don't seem to be a priority item. I braved munching a Zero bar before them.

Never fear, the Neccos will not be trashed. Tuesday is Cards Night. It's my job to bring the Poker chips.

Progress is being made with our candy surplus. My scales tell me I gained a whopping 14 pounds during the past month.

Yipe.

Recently, in connection with this Web site, I've been using the phrase "Mike Durrett at Large." Now you know why.

We Have a Winner!

From the transcript of an actual conversation, as The Durretts and their cats' darling digestive systems start another elegant day:

7:23 a.m. --
Mike: Someone threw up on my sink.

---

7:23:12 - 7:56 a.m. --
Silence.

---

7:57 a.m. --
Donna: I hope I sealed the storage containers on the porch. There's rainwater on them.

Mike: Un uh, I topped that.

Again. Someone ... threw up ... on ... my ... sink.

Taste Test: Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers

In my professional duties as a Guide at About.com, I'm always looking for marvelous new sources of Humor to share with our readers. I don't just sit at the keyboard punching out those words (which as many as one of) the people of the world love (marked down from two by the unfortunate acquisition of a kindergarten education).

No, no, no, I go out in the field and do actual research. (Although for this taste test, I went out on the back porch. It was nearly dark. I figured you'd never know I wasn't in a field.)

Imagine my infinite rapture to discover comedy canine genius Scooby-Doo has been toasting treats in the Keebler kitchen, apparently from the prized Cartoon Network cookbook.

In the photograph below, I'm smiling in anticipation of Monsieur Doo's special recipe Baked Cheddar Crackers, "made with real cheese," much like this Web site.


I was so happy, in fact, I struck my patented Scooby pose for the paparazzi.

And you wise guys out there, I'll have you know my patented Scooby pose is not the same as my patented Truman Capote pose. Do you see a floppy felted hat?


Savoring the sure-fire hilarity to come, I ripped open the package and sorted through the crackers, all finely chiseled into the likenesses of Scoob and his A-list comedy pals. For taste test purposes, I selected the orange severed skull of screen legend Shaggy.


Hmmm. Yum. Palatable sapidity. Thank goodness, it doesn't taste like chicken.

And I'm hoping that's not Casey Kasem.


The Verdict: It don't taste funny.

::::: Taste Test: Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies

Happy Go Clucky

Looking out the kitchen window, I noticed the turkey family strolling up our driveway. They had been noticeably absent during the Christmas season, sidestepping feastathons in the neighborhood.


I understand they are on vacation until the next official turkey scare, January 27, when the Oscar nominations are announced.

::::: Previous Wildlife Visit: Another Turkey Thursday

I'd Like to Exchange 2004, Please

A Se of the Internet writes: "Can you believe it, Mike?? You have missed it !!!!!! ... Saw this and had to send it. I did not get tickets, unfortunately. *sigh*"

Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. My new year is already blemished.